lctexas

Please read. I will take all advice to heart. Me and my husband have only been married for two months. I am 38 he is 37. He has informed me that he does not want to be married as he says he does not like having to answer to someone. He was married for 19 years but divorced for 4 years. All I have ever asked from him was to please let me know when he was off. But he does not want to. I am a wife that cooks dinner for him every night. I make his lunches for work. I make sure the house is always clean. I always wait on him. Like bringing him his food. He even tells me that I am a good woman. So with that then why would he want to leave me. All I ever do is try to please him. I am home every day when he gets home. This past week he has been sending me mixed signals. He has been always praying with me before he goes to work. And he still does. And he still tells me he loves me. He even plays around with me. But the past few days he has not been coming home tell 930 or 10 and when he does get home he does not kiss me hello or give me a hug. And I still make his lunches and his dinner. What should I do? I am lost and I do love him. Thank you Stacey

SimplyAmorous

How is the sex life ? Do you actively flirt with your husband & show you desire him?

You sound like an excellent wife as far as attending to Cooking and housecleaning...most you have said about anything "sexy" is ..."He even plays around with me" - what does this mean?

They say men are very simple... give them alot of desirous sex (they want to feel thier wives enthusiam & passion in that).... give them a good cooked meal every day and show them Respect.

Men who are not satisfied with these 3 things-- well, they are likely not good "husband" material. What do you feel are the issues between you - financial problems - any resentment built up, anything?

Compliments from ThreeTimesALady who wrote this, I find it very inspiring, on this issue...

__________________
"Love Good Blog"

lctexas

As far as the sex goes. I am constantly flirting with him. But he went four years without it and now he says he really has no desire for it. .And he is a attractive guy. He told me the other night that he did not like having to answer to someone. As in he wants to come and go as he pleases. And not have to call someone and say hey I will be late. I told him it was just common courtesy. But he says he does not want to have to answer to no one. It just makes no since to me.

PTCrusier

Your problem is very common and actually has probably very little to do with sex.

I noticed that your post was written in a way that put his actions in competition with yours ( I do this and this and this and yet he won't do this or does do this).

If you look at it with a little less emotion you can maybe see what he is saying. He has been through a divorce which in most cases results in the ending of what was once a close relationship. He has been on his own for some time. 2 months into a marriage he is having difficulty adjusting to being apart of a relationship again.

I would suggest that he is not as emotionally engaged in the relationship as you are. Calling home is more then just courtesy it makes you accountable to someone, more or less submissive to them.

Here is what I would suggest: back off demanding anything of him (I obviously mean this within reason. I would still expect fidelity) and just serve him without any desire for result or reciprocation. Let go of yourself and be consumed just loving him. He probably needs someone in his life who will do that.

Mavash.

It's only been 2 months and obviously he hasn't healed from his divorce yet. He got married when he wasn't ready or able to be in another relationship.

Your only other option would be to maybe try a 180. Back off A LOT and quit doing things for him. Give him his freedom....ALL of it. And in the meantime you go find a life that doesn't involve focusing on him.

PTCrusier

I will have to respectively disagree Mavish.

Well backing off demands we both agree on, I would not stop doing things for him that he enjoys her doing.

If you want someone to know that you love them the answer is not to stop saying I love you.

Mavash.

He told her he doesn't want to be married and yet she's supposed to still be NICE to him?

That makes her a doormat.

PTCrusier

Well, yeah.

To respond to selfish behavior with selfish behavior in an attempt to produce selfless behavior is a common and deadly approach to solving marriage difficulties.

Biblical/Christian love has always been something that is independent of both the receiver of it and the result it produces.

Jesus Christ ended up being a big doormat. Is it not for the Christian to follow the example he has left before us?

Mavash.

Point taken.

I just realized I'm in the spirituality board. Ooops.

Carry on.

Jellybeans

If he's told you straight up he wants a divorce and does not want to answer to anyone-- accept it.

Yes, it sucks. But you cannot make someone stay with you against their will.

You may not understand his reasons or even agree with them--but he has decided. You have no choice but to concede.

Let him go. The soon you do, the better.

lctexas

Thank you for all the great responses. So I guess I will stop doing for him as I have been. And back off on wanting a call from him. I just felt like I am his wife and I would think out of respect you would want to call your wife. But I see what allot of you are saying. So I will back off. And just let him do his thing. He has not come rite out and said I want a divorce. He just says that he thinks he made a mistake. But the past couple of days he has been a little more loving. It is just tough on me knowing I cannot even get a call from him. I will start looking for other things to do. The only problem is that we live where there is nothing around us. So not sure what to do there. But I truly appreciate everyone's advice. I can say it did sting when I asked him I would like a text every once in awhile just to say I am thinking of you. And he said to tell you the truth I am not thinking of you while I am working. I am to busy. That stung. But I am going to back off and stop doing for him. I will keep reading everyone's advice. And I will keep everyone up to date. Hugs

sandc

You are posting this in a spirituality forum. He prays for you before going to work. Do you both attend a church? Have you approached your pastor or priest about this? The Bible is fairly clear on what is grounds for divorce. Though, not sure the Bible is the book your faith is based on.

lctexas

First we do pray together and the bible is what I go by. Second my faith should not matter but I am non denominational. And we are still looking for a church to attend. So no I have not been able to talk to a pastor. Thats why I am on here.

sandc

Your faith does matter because if you were Buddhist or Muslim I would have no advice for you because I don't understand their faith. I understand Christianity.

The Mosaic Law in the old Testament allowed for divorce. But Christ did not allow except for unfaithfulness. Here is Matthew 19:4-12 as a reference.

"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh' ? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." "Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?" Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry." Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."

The problem is you don't have a home church or a pastor for accountability so this probably won't do you much good.

DTO

That was only a small part of his overall life and teaching, and done (IIRC) to pay for our sins so we would not have to.

He died for us to be our protector and redeemer. Yet the whole Bible is full of instruction as to how we need to live our lives. Ultimately (if you take the verses literally) he says that the price of not accepting him is eternal separation from him and forfeiture of the salvation for which he paid.

I think THAT is the lesson there. We are taught that he is always willing to accept us, but we at least must acknowledge him as the guider of our lives; no blessings without obedience.

I know different faiths interpret differently, but that is the way I learned it.