Not so In Love 2009

Hello I am new here.. But I need some advice. . I have been married for a little over 2 1/2 years. He is quite a bit older than me and we were friends 7 years before we got married.. dated 7 months before getting engaged and then had 1 1/2 year engagement..

We got married in September and the following February got pregnant.. I had a very complicated pregnancy and my son was born 2 1/2 months early. . .Two weeks after my son was born my husband told me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me still . .We acted like room mates for two months until my son came home from the NICU.

We never really resolved anything, just pushed things to the back of my mind and acted like I was fine for my son's sake. .He is now 19 months old and I am still unhappy. I was happy for a while but then things stated going back to the way it was before..

Also during this time I reconnected with the one person I have ever been in love with (I don't think I was ever actually in love with my hubby)... well this guy still wants to be with me. He wants me to leave my hubby and take my son and be with him.. I have considered it and I am still in love with him but then I think that I can't break up my son's family.. so I stopped talking to this guy... Now I can't get him out of my mind, and I know I am emotionally cheating on my hubby, but I haven't physically cheated. . .

I am a very spiritual person and I don't believe in divorce because not only is it breaking up the family, it also says in the bible that we will still be married in God's eyes..

What do I do? I am unhappy.. do I stay unhappy and just live with the choice for my son's sake?

I'm so confused I have no clue what to do...

Introubledeep

I feel for you. It is very hard when one has strong religious beliefs about marriage, and your marriage just isn't working out how you hoped and expected...been there and done that, it was agonising.

You sound very confused. Your husband sounds very confused.

Have you considered the possibility that you are suffering some sort of post natal depression? Perhaps speak to a doctor about your health and your state of mind, the doctor may refer you to professional help if you need it. Post natal depression can last for years after the birth, so don't discount this possibility.

I think getting involved with your past flame right now is a huge mistake. You need to sort out your marriage first, or end it. You need to sort out clearly in your heart and your head what you want and hope for in your marraige, then get it very clear what your husband is wanting and hoping for. Then hopefully the way will become clearer. No guarantees what the end result will be, but at least the path should be clearer.

So, your options are to simply stay in your unhappy marriage, attempt to fix your unhappy marriage, cheat on your husband and have an affair, or get a divorce.

I don't recommend cheating, you will destroy everything.

I don't recommend simply staying in an unhappy marriage, this is soul destroying and it doesn't get any better...I did this for 10years.

I recommend getting some individual Counselling to get things clearer in your mind. Then, see if your husband is willing to go to marriage Counselling with you. See if you and your husband can work things through together.

It sounds like the communication has broken down really badly between you and your husband. Hopefully Counselling can give you the tools and skills to re-establish good communications, then solving the issues can really begin.

When I found myself in a slightly similar situation to yours, things only changed once I made a firm and clear decision...my decision was that I am either going to fix this marriage if I can, or I am going to end this marriage if I can't fix it, but I am not going to simply continue on being miserable in my marriage.

Part of my journey in reaching that point was restoring my own self esteem and sense of self worth, and beleiving that I have a right to at least seek a happy and fulfilled marriage. I don't have to sacrifice my rights to be loved and cared for by my spouse. I have no right to expect perfection, but I have every right to expect to be loved and cared for at least at some level. Most wedding vows include the words "to love and to cherish, to have and to hold"...this is what you promised you would do for each other. If you are not honouring that promise, then start to do your bit. If husband is not honouring that promise, start to call him to account over it. If it is hard to love and to cherish, then get some profesional help from a marriage Counsellor. If he refuses to participate, well it is probably over...a happy marriage can not exist with only one happy partner, or no happy partners.

Having said all of the above, I need to also tell you that you should not put too much weight on what I say....I am not a success story when it comes to the marriage game.

Not so In Love 2009

So as of yesterday my husband and I are separating. It has been a long time coming and we haven't been able to fix us and neither of us are in love anymore. I need to worry about my son and myself now.

noelle

You are absolutely right in your worries that you will still be married in God's eyes. If you trust the Lord, then start trusting Him. That thought in your head that things will be better with this "one true love" of yours is straight from the enemy.
You said you are "spiritual" so I'm letting loose a little here. I could send you quite a few passages just on this topic if you would like. I am going to share with you what I know for certain.
If you put this in His hands, and decide to be obedient to His word, He WILL restore your marriage.
When He restores your marriage it will NOT be the miserable one you are in now, but He will give you a new husband and a brand new life with him.
Love is not something that you can fall into or fall out of, love is a choice. Might I recommend that you read I Corinthians 13 and meditate on those words. Verses 4-8 are my absolute favorite. I take each one apart and say "I am patient. I am kind. ..." if you are not consciously making a choice to love your husband the way you are instructed to there, it is no wonder in times of strife you are feeling "out of love."
Ask God to change your heart first, and then your husband's. You will be amazed at what transformations take place in your life.
WELCOME - Rejoice Marriage Ministries <-- This website is a wonderful tool for standers to use. If you are ever doubting just go and look at the testimonies page and the restored marriages page.
Sending up prayers for you and your family.

noelle

So... I am starting from the beginning.. Literally
Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Malachi 2:16 "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, --Enough said.
Matthew 19:4-6 "Haven't you read," He replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
Matthew 19:8-9 Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."
Matthew 5:32 "But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery."
Hosea 3:1 The LORD said to me, "Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes."
Mark 10:11-12 "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery."
I Corinthians 7:10-11 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

Let's go back to my PERSONAL favorite.. which is funny because I used to hate this scripture.

I Corinthians 13:3-8 & 13:13 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always PROTECTS, always TRUSTS, ALWAYS HOPES!!!, ALWAYS PERSEVERES. Love never fails. ... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Ephesians 5:22-33 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

This is in response to any thoughts you have that God wants you to be "happy" which is why He will set you free from your covenant.. One of my favorite scriptures!
1 Peter 2:18 - 3:7 Slaves, in reverent fear of God submit yourselves to your masters, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh. For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God. But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. "He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth." When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. "He himself bore our sins" in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live in righteousness; "by his wounds you have been healed." For "you were like sheep going astray," but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest IF WE DO NOT GIVE UP.

If you doubt that God can do this for you, remember He is a God of miracles. He calls us to love each other as Jesus loves us. I also recommend reading the parable of the lost sheep, and the story of the prodigal son. Both of those will encourage you. When you are doubting if He really can perform a miracle such as this, read about Abraham and Sarah conceiving and birthing a child at ninety. Or Jesus bringing Lazarus back after he was dead for four days!
Matthew 17:20 "Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.