Moderlydie

Hey,
I'm new here.
I'm trying to think of a way to keep this short and sweet but there's so much to say. Maybe a list will help?
Hubby and I been together for 15yrs married 9 this year.
I suffer from longterm deprression and boderline personality disorder.
2 years ago i found out he had an affair with his boss, he had already stopped it but she was giving him grief (and sometimes violent).
In the months before she befriended me and moved to our town.
We became friends through the church.
We immediately vowed to make our marriage work.
We had 2 kids under 5.
I couldn't cope with day to day suspicions and trust issues, my illness got worse.
Last year I tried to end my life 3 times, the 3rd time i ended up in hospital which was a turning point and i refused to be that person anymore, I started getting well and being happy.
Oct last year husband asked me to leave as he wanted a seperation he didn't love me anymore and he didn't think i was well enough to look after kids.
Within 2 weeks I had a flat and found the strength to live on my own and eventually look after the kids on my own.
I am a different person now and I know why the seperation had to happen, it gave me my life back.
My husband and I have grown closer and in the last 4 months, fallen in love again. (I didn't stop)
We have decided to continue being husband and wife, but having a new relationship, not starting where we left off.
He is receiving induvidual counselling and agreed to relationship counselling.
We are not rushing this...........not putting a time limit on it. We want to make it right. (plus i love my flat too much to leave yet)
BUT....
'She' lives in our town. And down the road to him.
He still works with her, same 2 desk office and studio (specialist recording production so hardly any jobs out there to move to).
A new job is something we persued when this all came out 18 months ago and because it's so specialist, there's nothing out there (still....I'm still keeping an eye out)
The job is for the church and he feels it is his calling, I do too. I'd hate him to leave a job which seems literally handcrafted for him.
She though, is only the studio manager which can be done by anyone. I feel bad for trying to thing of ways to drive her out of her job, but that isn't very christian an is born from my anger toward her.
We share the kids 50/50 but due to his working hours i end up doing about 70%. This is an issue we are addressing as his commitment to his job was a sticking point in out marriage anyway ('Her' aside)

I read today about admitting my anger to God. Which I have.

I am not an overly happy clappy christian. Infact I think I'm boderline Bhuddist and Hippy. Maybe I should just say I'm spiritual. Whatever, my spirituality has returned me to who I used to be (with a few positive additions) and helped me live through the last 8 months.

My problem is; I'm trying so hard to get over this. I have put it in the past, i have no more questions about it. I have forgiven him but I don't think I've forgiven her. I'm very bitter.
I have given all this over to God. I am bowled over by his answers to prayers. My husband loves me again. I have a lot to thank God for.

I still suspect and have major trust issues, no matter what he says to relieve my fears. He's really trying. I've told him I need transparency but he sometimes forgets.
I saw her in town today (she didn't me) and i nearly fainted. With rage, bitterness, jealousy???

There's so much more to say but I feel i'm rabbiting somewhat.
I do hope at least one person reads this and may be able to give me some advice? Though I'm not sure what I'm asking.
I just don't want to mess this up again because of my mistrust and suspicion.

Sorry

OmahaAngel

Hi, I am new...I do not have any great advice, but do understand...more than I would like to....Never fear asking for help...that was a big step that you have taken...you, like me, my just find that there are no easy answers...but there are coping skills...most of all, just know that you are not alone.

faithinthelord3

I'm new here as well, but I have to say that I commend you for your dedication to your husband and your family. It cannot be an easy thing that you are going through...I personally, am not sure how I would ever handle a situation like yours concerning the cheating with the boss.
I certainly believe the Lord has worked wonders for your relationship though, that you are able to get to this point again and love and accept one another for who you are. None of us are perfect...although, we would like to always think and act as so!
I think it's also great that you've gotten a hold of your health issues and it's always a number one to take care of yourself. For if you are no good, you can be no good to anyone else and your children need you more than anyone else. Find what makes you happy and seek help in the areas from professionals that can help you as you get better and continue getting better! This is no small feat, but one that you need for YOU! Again...you are numero uno here!
As far as the husband...take baby steps. You said yourself that you don't want to rush into it because you both want to make it right. It wouldn't be a bad idea to attend separate counseling and then marriage counseling together. A marriages work is never done, especially if you love one another and the family you have created! Take this time to build up a wonderful and new relationship and marriage! You both deserve it, but your little ones deserve it as well!
Be happy in knowing you are going in the right direction. The Lord always has a plan...

PS. As far as the boss...is it completely impossible for him to find another job??? Maybe even working from home? I can't see how such a history between the two is for the good of whatever it is they are working on. Pray to the Lord about it though...maybe a fresh and new beginning for everyone with counseling would be best! Look into some things in the meantime...you owe at least that to your family!

armywife0520

I can relate to so much of what you describe. I have absolutely zero trust for my husband and it has been making us both miserable since he left me to have an affair 4 months after we were married. The affair was with the mother of his child, which is 30 times worse then it being with a stranger because they will be in each other lives forever. I am in a constant state of anxiety. I feel like I'm just waiting for the ground to fall out from under me, all it takes is one phone call from her to mess everything up again. Some days I feel as though we are making progress, biblical marital counseling, going to church, praying hard and I feel as if I am doing the right thing by trying to save my marriage. But days like today make me question if im out of my mind thinking this is going to work. When my husband left for a month I prayed harder than I ever had in my life for God to reconcile the marriage, and I thought my husband coming back was my prayer being answered. But seriously how do i know that? We are both very young and I know my love can't carry us through this marriage.
I feel for you, I respect your decision to give it another try. I wish I could give you some tips on how to deal with the trust but I am working on that myself. I wish I could give it to God but I cant seem to relinquish control.
I will pray for you! God bless

anonim

Moderlydie,

first things first, you cannot have a 'new relationship' with this man.

Second, you cannot have a relationship with him, when he is working with someone he was ****ing, while he was married to you.

Anyone in your situation will have feelings of insecurity and anxiety from being in your situation ('Is he lying to me about her' , 'is he thinking about her' , 'is he kissing her' , 'is he ****ing her on his desk?' etc.)

This sh*t is no good. You have no way of knowing what the hell happens when he's at work.

And even if his motivation is good (now) his boss, being his boss can put the thumbscrews to him at anytime it pleases her.

Say she decides she wants some of your husband.

She can easily seduce, threaten or intimidate him into giving her what shes wanting.

And even if he finds the moral fortitude to decline her, she can harass or fire him, thereby turning YOUR life, and the lives of your kids into sh*t.

And if he's wanting a piece of her, well what can you do?

Thirdly, you shouldn't have re-started a relationship while she is in the picture. (At work, in the same town, etc) its just asking/begging/demanding for trouble.

Get her out of the picture. Expose her at church, your social circles and if shes in a relationship, to her SO. The fallout might make your H find a new job that much faster.

Fourth. if you really, really, really, want reconciliation with your H. You have to move. A.S.A.P.

Moderlydie

Thankyou all for your support.
Armywife, i'm having a pretty awful day too. Dh works with the ow so he sees her everyday. Today he has gone to saty with a friend and then go to a concert tomorrow that i know she will be working at. He siad he won't be going backstage because he is there recreationally and if he goes there he'll be roped into work. BUT, how do I know this? I feel sick. This is not doing my mental health any good at all!
Basically I just wanted you to know, that i too am wondering today, whether this is all worth it. I have prayed so hard, and God has brought him back to me. I know he has a plan for us and we have to be together for that. That's a real strong feeling I have even when dh said he didn't love me. But I'm sick......sick of feeling like this. I have told him my worries and i have also told him i fear that the more neurotic i get about it, the more i'm going to push him away. He says he wants to do things to help these feelings. I think the only way of helping us both is through marriage counselling.
AArghh!! this so difficult!!!

anonim

so let me get this straight; your husband had an affair on you, with his boss.

you break up. get back together. your husband still works with his boss, the one he had the affair on you with.

tonight he's staying with a friend, then going to a concert tomorrow, where his boss will be working at?

---

sounds more likely that he's staying with his boss today (under the guise of staying with a friend) , then going with his boss to the concert tomorrow.

While you watch the kids.

Someones in a fog here, and I dont think its your H.

noelle

Trust God!!! Remember nothing is impossible for Him (Luke 1:37) He has brought back your husband once and is in the process of restoring a relationship that you both allowed to start dying. Continue in your praise, you are absolutely on the right path. I think your largest struggle is one that you have already admitted, which is not forgiving the OW. Obviously that one will require some serious prayer and time, but you are aware and that's the first part of the battle.
I think that your husband and his boss need not work together any longer, but also that has to come from one of them, you cannot push the issue. Think about how Jesus brought you back from your darkest moments, look at the mountains He has moved for you already and have faith that He will move this one as well.
You stated that you aren't a "happy clappy" Christian so this next advice may be a turn off for you. The first time you do this you very well may feel like a lunatic. Start praising God for the things which you cannot yet see. Thank Him for taking your husband out of contact with the other woman; thank Him for the amazing marriage that you are already laying the foundation for.
Try not to verbalize to your husband all of your fears and doubts but instead send them up in prayer. Fear, doubt, and insecurities are all things from the devil, he does not want you and your husband to work things out.
You said "I am wondering today if this is all worth it." I was right there yesterday. Pray harder. It is absolutely worth it!!! Luke 1:45 is possibly one of my favorite verses. 'Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!' Yesterday, I was ready to throw in the towel, that hurt that stems from these separations sometimes seems like it is endless. My verse of the day was 'Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.' -Psalm 27:14
May I recommend you do the same and ask Jesus to fill your heart with unconditional love, trust (in your husband and God), and faith.
I am praying with you! We will be triumphant, of that I am sure.

Moderlydie

Thankyou noelle, you words were so encouraging.
I'm sorry anonim, but you sound like you've been prety badly hurt before or you have no clue what it's like to live with such a situation. While i do agree with some of your points and we are actually working on some of them ( I don't disclose all my personal details), you will find that i have posted in the religion and spirituality forum. My religion has taught me to 'be like Jesus.' And also though i am human and have many and varied failings, I do try to be like Jesus and I believe in forgiveness, yes again and again. Because I can see a beautiful life and marriage in the future. I can see he has problems and whilst I know i need sort out my own first, I can be there by his side to help him sort his. REGARDLESS of the hurt he caused me.
I am not stupid and I will not be walked over. And if there was no love I wouldn't be doing it.
I posted here because I expected others to understand why I keep putting myself through this hurt. And it's not because what I have been taught to do but i also BELIEVE and i've EXPERIENCED the love and support of God.
I know I need to give myself a reality check, which is why we're going to go to counselling together, if I do all these things, it sounds like nagging, if a proffessional tells him these things. he'll know that what I am saying is right and agree.

Ben Connedfussed

I read about your dilemma and can say, that with the discovery of an affair, we all know the heartache involved. I am sorry you are here. I was depressed before and slipped into it rather quickly after suspecting my spouse was having an affair. Meds did help, but the slow return to sanity is that... slow. I believe I will always have trust issues and suspicions. And I will always look over my shoulder. But the factor in becoming more healthy will depend upon your trust in GOD, yourself, and getting support from loved ones. I am not meaning to sound hurtful, but all that stuff about a stay over with friend, and a concert the next day??? Red flags. I had to tell my spouse..."Any more red flags, I am out of here, nothing more said." Your spouse does not seem to have become transparent and the affair could have been taken underground. The spouse should have moved on to another job long ago! FACT!!! Having to put up with these things will themselves cause you to mistrust all and everyone around. That fog will destroy you. It will cause you to even mistrust yourself as you already probably know. Start trusting GOD, we can, and trust in yourself. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN and make some changes. Get some medical help and counseling to help alleviate the mind clutter, so you can think more clearly. My sincere prayers are with you. Good Luck!!!

anonim

This, is what you are not seeing OP.

YOU can try and be as 'jesus-like' as you can, but that will have no bearing on what your H might or will do, especially under the thumb of a violent 'ex' affair partner that he works with everyday.

The number one circumstance for affairs to form is opportunity.

heavensangel

A little late I know..........

I have serious doubt and trust issues just like yourself caused by abandonment issues from childhood that were compounded on by unfaithful boyfriends and an ex-husband who was also verbally abusive. My current DH is an awesome man who is also human. He's made a few mistakes himself which have not helped. To date, there's no evidence of EA/PA's but since he's gone 3 weeks at a time for work (used to be 4 weeks but has recently changed jobs to minimize time away & maximize time at home), I question EVERYTHING! This is taking a huge toll on our relationship. For the past year +/- we've read/completed several bible studies for couples dealing with all kinds of issues including infidelity. Each one had different views/opinions on how to handle specific issues, however, the one piece of advice they ALL had in common when referring to surviving an affair was an absolute NO CONTACT policy between the BS and the OW/OM. No exceptions!!

I love God and my DH with all my heart but I can honestly say, it wouldn't matter to me whether or not he had to flip burgers to make a living, continuing to work with the OW would NOT be an option I'd be willing to put up with. Out of love & respect for me and our marriage, I'd hope my DH would care enough to remove himself from the situation without me having to say anything.

God tells us to Respect our H's but He also tells them to LOVE their wives just as Christ loved the Church; giving themselves up for her. This says to me H's should be willing to sacrifice whatever they have to in order to protect their wives and their marriages including if need be jobs/finances.

Praying for you Sweetie!

__________________
Courage: is not having the strength to go on……..It is going on when you don’t have the strength

mel123

OP.......H working with and around OW will destroy your mental/emotional health and your marriage......How long do you want to prolong your pain? ..You have to demand (one way or another)complete NC or you are done.

I mean really, if he loved you like he should ,that wouldn't be a problem. Whether he loves you or not, you need to love YOURSELF. And you can start by demanding a little respect for your feeling and thoughts.

Serenity_Prayer

Mel123's got it right. I've been married in a similar situation for 17 years. DH had affair with son's mother, suspicious calls and texts with women, etc. And like your DH, he didn't acknowledge my feelings, other than to say I was crazy for being suspicious about midnight phone calls he took in another room. I suffered through, prayed, talked, and went to counseling, and held on because I believed that marriage is forever. Hard as I tried, DH never repented or apologized for any of it, so now I've tired of it and asked for divorce.

It's not a marriage if one person is doing all the forgiving, praying and excuse-making while the other neglects his/her feelings by hanging around ex-lovers. Sadly, he's chosen her and his job over you.