Join Date: Jun 2012
| | Separated from husband for almost 2 months
Hi there! This is my first time posting here and I'm hoping for positive and spiritually invoked advice. My husband and I have been separated for almost 2 months and I feel like I have done everything humanly possible for him to come home and fix our family, but he is unwilling at this point. We had gotten into an argument one day, after he was being very verbally abusive to me, and I told him to leave or else I would call the cops. He is a school teacher and got worried, so he grabbed some things and left and went to stay with his folks. Obviously, during this fight, we both said some things that we shouldn't have...I married the wrong person, I got stuck with you, I want a divorce, I contacted a lawyer, etc...basically, anything that would hurt the other. I was guilty of this as well. I will be honest here in saying that our marriage was never normal - I was in grad school when we got married, we had 2 little boys within 15 months of one another, he was in a grueling online grad program that required 90% of his time when he was home from work, we were running around with our teenage daughter (my biological daughter who's father, my late hs sweetheart and fiancee, was killed in a tragic car accident when she was a baby) to all of her activities, I became a stay at home mommy so money became an issue, etc. Needless to say, there was never a break. We together NEVER got a break and there was always something we had to rush to, get to, or do. This truly caused a lot of stress and frustration. During our marriage, my husband became verbally abusive to me. It wasn't constant, it wasn't daily or even monthly, but if he got into a bad mood and I said something back...depending on his mood, he would go for the throat and rip me apart verbally. I can say that there was truly no stone ever unturned when it came to his words. For almost 2 years he has said that he needs to go and get help for this, but he never went. He also has told me that I'm the only person he has ever done this to, although, others can recognize at work, his friends, etc, that he can have a temper. Obviously, after all of this, my feelings were deeply hurt and I started to hold grudges against him for what he had said to me. We could go 6-9 months with no verbal altercations and once one would come about, it was honestly hard for me to let go of. We did go to counseling a year and a half ago and it did help, but we stopped going after about a month, when our marriage seemed back on track. I personally, had started to go back to counseling for myself on how to get over these feelings of hurt and pain within our marriage from his words. We both also agreed months ago, that we did not want to fight in front of the kids, which we did not do.
But not only do we have our problems of fighting - we are both stubborn and feel the need to WIN the fight, and his OCD ways - he likes things a certain way and if it's not done that way, he gets so upset, but you see...his family never approved of me. Even though, I was well educated, hard worker, good job, came from a good family...they couldn't get over the fact that I had a daughter. I just didn't fit into their mold. My mother in law is a complete narcissist, control freak, OCD woman. Her home has to be in perfect order that at times she wouldn't even want our children over there in fear they may mess something up. My husband grew up in that kind of environment, so he thinks that it's the right way...the only way! His mother has never really let go of him and he has never let go of his mother, therefore, no matter what she says, he always believes. They are supportive of this separation...they even helped him get some of his things from our home! They are not Godly people and they would like nothing more than for us to be done...even if it hurt the kids. They never really accepted them anyhow.
My question is what can i do now? I have been nothing but nice and kind, although at first I was begging, pleading, crying...wanting my family back. I want to do marriage counseling, a marriage retreat and both of us to go separately...basically, anything we can do humanly possible to fix us and have our family so we can tell our children, if it didn't work, that we did it all. My husband says he's up for the counseling, just not now...that we basically just need to let things breath. It does seem though that he is more ready to talk about all of my downfalls in the marriage like me not doing things he asked like: having the kids eat all their meals at the kitchen table, me not doing and putting the laundry away in a timely fashion as he has said he would like, me not keeping the house as tidy as he wants...although it's cleaner and tidier than anyone else's homes that I know, etc. Any suggestions would be great...I'm so hurt here and praying so hard about it all. I'm just trying to do this God's way, but sometimes feel as though I'm being steamrolled. Thank you in advance!