Feelings of Betrayal

RDJ · 07-03-2012, 08:54 AM

Matthew 19:4-6 KJV) And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, {5} And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? {6} Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

Marriage is commitment that two people make to each other. They commit to give themselves completely to one another and become one person inhabiting two bodies. As the quote from Mathew above says, they become one flesh. In order to do this, they must put aside all fears, doubts, and insecurities and choose to trust in the sanctity of the marriage. They allow them selves to be vulnerable to each other out of mutual love, respect, honor, and trust.

When a marriage begins to suffer, it is usually because one spouse or the other feels betrayed. They feel that the trust and faith that the relationship was built on has not been honored. This would certainly be true if one spouse has been unfaithful or has stepped outside of your marital boundaries in any way such as an emotional or physical affair, or misusing shared resources. There is no debating such actions. However, there are many less obvious ways in which a marriage can be betrayed, many of which are just as painful as an affair. There is no pain that cuts deeper than betrayal.

When I speak of betrayal, I am referring to any instance in which a reasonable expectation of love, respect and faithfulness was not met. When you treat your spouse badly in any way, this is a betrayal. They have a reasonable expectation that you will treat them with love and respect. If what they receive instead is insults, put downs or neglect then this erodes their faith in the marriage and they feel betrayed. The same is true of anything that your spouse feels is reasonable, but is not being met. Withholding sex and intimacy, attempts to control and manipulate, punishing a spouse either physically or emotionally and denying things that they consider integral to their health and well being are all instances in which a spouse will feel betrayed.

The tricky thing about betrayal is that it is all in the eye of the beholder. You may feel that it is reasonable to withhold sex when your spouse is not behaving in ways that you prefer, but they may not see it that way. You might feel that the silent treatment is an appropriate way to show that you are upset. For them it may be a private torture that it is completely out of proportion to their perceived crime. In other words, what you see as a simple interaction in the normal give and take of marriage may be a seen as a serious betrayal by your spouse.

We all have needs, desires, and wants and we look to our spouse to fulfill those needs. If a relationship is to work, then both spouses must make an effort to learn what the key needs are for their partner and then make an effort to meet them. If you know that your spouse needs to feel loved and appreciated then make an effort to show gratitude for them. If you know that physical intimacy is high on their list then make sure that you find time for it on a regular basis.

The common mistake people make in their marriage is to grossly underestimate the importance of certain needs for their spouse. If you do not personally feel that sex is important then you allow it to fall down the priority list. If your spouse feels that sex is very important, then this becomes a betrayal in their eyes. Make an effort to learn what the hot button items are in your marriage and ensure that they get addressed. To do otherwise is to court marital problems.

It is also important that you avoid the temptation to use your spouse’s key needs as leverage against them. If you know that your spouse cannot stand being ignored, and you decide to use the silent treatment to punish them, then be aware that you are taking a sledge hammer to your marriage every time that you do it. You are intentionally sticking a knife into their most sensitive personal issues.

I have often heard it said that children can be cruel. This is because they will find out what another child’s personal insecurities are and then use them for control and manipulation. I see the same dynamic at work in many marriages. We attempt to manipulate each other by punishing them in the ways that we know will hurt most. We all know the difference between right and wrong. When our own selfish needs become our top priority, and we are giving less than unconditional love to ourselves and our spouse, it is betrayal.

We all have problems in our marriages. We argue, we blame, and we search for ways to fix our spouse and our marriage. However, not all of our solutions are carried out in loving ways. Although most people will not admit it, or simply can’t see it in themselves, odds are that there are many little ways in which you betray your spouse and your marriage. There are ways in which you with hold what you know they need, or belittle what you know is important to them. Your intentions may be good, but your methods are destructive.

The key to a successful marriage is for both partners to give freely of themselves. Find out what your spouse’s hot button needs are and then make a special effort to meet them. Also make a special effort to NOT use those sensitivities against them. Choose to honor who and what they are, even if you do not completely understand it. No two people are alike. God made each and everyone of us with a unique personality. The fact that you and your spouse are different is not a problem in itself. It only becomes a problem when one spouse will not honor and respect the differences.

To Love unconditionally means accepting someone exactly as they are. You do not try to change them to better suit your views of what they should be. You honor and cherish them as an individual, and make an effort to add to their life with your gifts. In exchange, they should do the same for you. When you learn to operate in this way then betrayal becomes a thing of the past.