forthekid

Hey,

None of the "Relationships and Spirituality" forum topics seemed to apply, so i figured I'd tell my story and see if anybody else is in a similar relationship. And if so, what advice you might have for me.

Married 18 years.
16 year old daughter
23 year old step son (hers, moved out)

She has always "loved God" and I didn't really think i had a problem with this, despite being a lifelong skeptic. She began going to church (Seventh Day Adventist) when our daughter was about one. I tagged along, eventually joined, became very involved, but ultimately decided it wasn't for me.

My wife continues to take her religion to new heights of conservative extremes for herself, and in the way she raises our daughter. Our daughter is baptized, attends church, but has recently begun to challenge some of the religous "rules" (of which there are many in SDA-ism)

My wife also has shown a lot of signs of distrust in me. She has thought I'm on drugs (never done a single drug, ever, haven't drank in many years), she's thought I've cheated, (I have never cheated) and constantly implies I'm lying about things big and little (I lied a couple times early on in our marriage about little things like eating unhealthy food but completely stopped lying to her many years ago. Of course she says she trusts me, but her actions reveal how untrue this is.

We don't do hardly any of the things we used to do together (TV, movies, dancing, listening to popular music, etc) Saturday is all about God, so if it doesn't "Glorify Him" she won't paticipate.

I want to raise our daughter as a "normal" kid but she thwarts this at every turn, so much so that I think we are in for a major rebellion in the coming years. And we have homeschool her since birth so my wife and daughter spend a lot of time together. Wife is home, I work out of the house.

I continue to pursue my interests (I play in a band, listen to music, watch TV, movies, play sports, etc) but she shuns a lot of what I love and often "demonizes" it in front of our daughter.

I have personally checked out of our marriage, I want so badly to be away from her. We have discussed divorce, and I have told her I no longer want to be married to her, but I will continue in our marriage until I no longer feel it's the best thing for our daughter. Currently, I stay because I know our daughter needs both her mom and I to balance each other out (Of course I'm biased so I really just think our daughter needs me to balance out my wife).

I could add more detail to this for hours but I fear you may not have the stamina to read it all, so I'll stop here for now and ask a few questions:

What advice is there out there for the Non Christian husband married to a super-religous wife?

Would our daughter benefit more from weekend visitation with me that having me there every day?

How do I help my wife compromise with me regarding simple things like watching TV with my daughter without compromising her beliefs?

Any other advice?

costa200

I don't understand why people are allowed to do this in the USA. It just favors extremists being able to brainwash their kids without exposing them to what society has for them.

I'm an atheist myself. I understand your problems. I think you really need to put your step down. But it is really important that you try to show some sort of united front with your wife (if you don't divorce her, that is...).

forthekid

[QUOTE=costa200;907696]But it is really important that you try to show some sort of united front with your wife QUOTE]

So, this idea comes up a lot, but who unites with who? Should I expect her to compromise on her belief that we shouldn't watch a family TV show on Saturday because it doesn't glorify God? Or should I go along with her beliefs?

It's becoming harder and harder to be unified. Advice on how to do this?

FTK

tacoma

OP I`m an atheist so take my advice with that bias in mind.

I don`t think you can "Do this".

As a non believer I can maintain intimate relationships with believers just fine as most aren`t adamant about allowing their beliefs to have a heavy effect on my life.

However when you start talking about religious fundamentalists you`re done.
There is no compromising "gods word" for anyone.
Not you, your child, your family, or anyone.

The point is that she loves and values her god far more than she loves and values you or her child and unless that madness stops there is no compromising with her.

Assuming there is no way to come to a united front with her what are your options?

that_girl

I'm not even an atheist, or Christian, or whatever...and I don't think this can work.

Religious/spiritual beliefs, to me, are one of the MOST important compatibility things in a marriage. I don't care what it is you believe, but it should be similar, or even the same. Not saying that things can't change down the road, but...you aren't a Christian and you married one...eesh.

forthekid

I know, right. Well, she was a much moe casual Christian then, and I didn't grow up around any really seriously religious people, so I really didn't understand how much she was going to "grow" in her beliefs.

I know it's not going to work, I'm really trying to figure out the best time to end it, and my main consideration is not my happiness, it's my daughter's well being.

Of course our daughter knows there's trouble since we bicker almost daily about stupid sh*t. But at the same time, my daighter and I have a wonderful relationship. I want to be there daily for her, but it's getting less clear to me if that's better than a divorce with visitation and such.

I have in my head a plan to separate once our daughter is 18-20 ish, moving out, going to college, whatever she decides to do. But I'm beginning to think it might need to happen sooner, for her.

3leafclover

Honestly, I would stay for now. Your daughter is 16. You've made it this far, and you can probably make it 2 more years. You're right that she needs you there to "balance it out". This is not going to be as effective every other weekend as it is living with her daily. Not ineffective...just not as effective.

Of course, I'd also be trying to get my daughter into a regular brick-and-mortar school for the last two years of high school if that's what she wanted. I'm all for homeschool given the right circumstances and as long as it's what's best for the child. I'm not sure that's the case here, but you know more about that.

In case you do decide to go ahead and leave, a word of warning: Do not try to balance out your wife by being her total opposite on your weekends with your daughter. Don't make the mistake of trying to overcorrect. An overly sheltered teenager who suddenly encounters TOO much freedom from a well-meaning laissez-faire parent can go wild in 0.2 seconds flat.

Maricha75

I can promise you that it will be difficult maintaining a united front, but not impossible. I went to church with my dad and was baptized at the age of 15. The thing is, I did it because I felt it was the right thing to do, because the other kids in the church were doing it, and they were younger than I was. But I went to church with dad every Sabbath morning...Sabbath School and church service. In the afternoons, we were free to CHOOSE to do whatever we wished, but encouraged to NOT engage in secular activities.

I did rebel at one point. I even met a man outside the Adventist church and he chose to be baptized. Let me point out that I would have married him whether he was and Adventist or not. But I can promise you... I did NOT engage in "Adventist-like" activities all the time...we'll leave it at that.

Fast forward to now. We have been married 12 years, together 13. We lived together before we married. Now, Sabbath activities vary. MOST of the time, we try to engage the kids in family friendly activities. However, as you can tell, I am on here during Sabbath hours. My kids have Kung Fu Panda playing on the DVR right now. My oldest just got home from church (about 45 minute drive away). My husband has been dealing with mental/psych issues, and I have chosen to stay home with him on days he is not up to going to church.

Regarding divorce and visitation: Your daughter is 16. If you divorce, bear in mind that your daughter may still wish to observe the Sabbath hours. Maybe not as strictly as your wife now insists, but your daughter may insist that she doesn't want to go to sporting events and such on Friday nights and Sabbath. My sister has her kids at home every night. They see their dad during the week, right after school until their mom gets off work. They go to church on Sabbath and see their dad all day on Sunday. This could be what happens in your situation as well. Not trying to discourage you from doing it, but to keep your daughter's feelings/beliefs in mind as well.

Having a "normal" childhood varies for each family. My mom was Catholic, my dad Adventist. I went to public schools. I participated in sports in junior high, but chose NOT to play when I got into high school because the games were played on Friday nights. I went to one dance in junior high. I had no desire to go to any others. I could have gone to Prom, but I didn't want to. I went to the movies, but not during Sabbath hours. There are a LOT of things that are, IMO, "grey areas"... I am sure you understand what I mean.

I think that you are likely to face real rebellion in the future, but that is NORMAL, even in the Adventist church. I am not going to tell you to divorce, nor am I going to tell you NOT to divorce. The choice is yours, really.

Regarding the home schooling...Costa, that is a false assumption. Many home schooled kids function very well in society. There are strict guidelines that must be adhered to in nearly every state, if not in ALL. I started home schooling my oldest. When I learned that I couldn't handle teaching him and taking care of his siblings, I enrolled him in the public school.But, I know MANY home schooled kids it DID work for. And they are productive members of society. Perhaps that is because their parents were licensed teachers? Or because their parents got them involved in social activities on a regular basis? Not sure. But I know they are normal people. LOL

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Davelli0331

Another atheist here. Even as an atheist, I take a live and let live approach. And that's cool for most believers, especially younger ones, they feel the same way. But like Tacoma said, when you start dealing with the fringe fundamentalists, that's when you get into the "my God's way or the highway".

It's been my experience that you can't compromise with people who hold extreme beliefs, whether they be political, social, or religious. IMO such extreme beliefs are irrational, and unfortunately you can't fight irrational with rational. Irrational always "wins" because it has not arguable basis.

You need to have a serious sit down with the wife and make sure she understands the choice she's making.

RandomDude

The minute the missus starts homeschooling my daughter is the minute I file for divorce and sole custody. No way in hell am I letting my child get raised like that. Thankfully she agrees with me as it's a dealbreaker.

There are quite a few topics here on this section about this situation actually. Mine included - which was the reason I initially joined this forum, to seek help in response to my wife's manipulative behaviour and fundamentalism. We solved our problems a while back but it took a lot of heartache and fights and dramas to finally discuss an inter-religious compromise.

There's no easy solution, the fact is that for this situation to be resolved it has to be in ultimatums. That's just from experience.

Dan Carruthers

Let your wife understand, that , she is being TOO LEGALISTIC , like the PHARISEES, and thats dangerous for her and her family.


Jesus wasn't for such Legalistic, Stubborn people...


Examples :


Jesus said .....

"But you say, that if a man says to his father or mother: 'Whatever help you might otherwise have received from me is Corban' (that is, a gift devoted to God),he is not to 'honor his father' with it. Thus you nullify the word of God for the sake of your tradition.


You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you:

"'These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.


They worship Me in vain; their teachings are but rules taught by men.'"




Mathew 15:5-9


For God said ( from The Scriptures )

" I Am pleased in Mercy , not in RITUALS"

RandomDude

^ That's what the missus believed, then forgot, but now believes again thankfully

Dan Carruthers

1 Timothy 5:8

But if anyone does not provide for his(her) relatives, and especially for members of his ( her) household, he ( or she) has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Maricha75

OP, I would be interested to know what, if anything she DOES do during the Sabbath hours. Also, what about the rest of the week? What kind of music does she listen to?

Mr. Carruthers, just because she doesn't engage in certain activities during the Sabbath hours especially, but even anytime, doesn't make her "too legalistic". Many cannot participate in former activities (like going to movies and going out dancing) because they feel uncomfortable in those situations, because they can feel the pull away from God. And yes, I do speak from experience. From my PERSONAL experience as a Seventh Day Adventist, the only "ritual" I can see possibly fitting what you quoted would be Communion service. Otherwise, it is not ritual, but lifestyle. And many of us DO compromise on things.

Some are ultra conservative in the church. Some are more liberal. As I stated above, I'd like to hear what she does on Sabbath and see if there is anything I can suggest as a compromise. forthekid, you mentioned family shows... can you give examples? Same with movies? What kind of music do you play/listen to that she "demonizes" (your words, and quotes)? There IS a way around most of that, IF it interests your daughter.

Again, regarding the homeschooling... there is nothing wrong with it as long as
1. Opportunities are made for socialization.
2. The child is actually LEARNING, and isn't falling behind.
3. The pros definitely must outweigh the cons.

One thing I will say.... I'm glad you didn't send her to academy! I've heard stories about how wild those kids can get. Even if my kids were enrolled in Adventist schools, they would NOT go to academy! I would enroll them in public schools first... I feel very strongly about having someone else raise my child. Here's a thought... if you don't want your daughter homeschooled, if there is a LOCAL academy, you could suggest that. Or, as you know, witnessing is very big in the church. Ample opportunities in public schools.

Funny thing, I never got teased as a kid/teen because of my religious beliefs. My friends in the public school were cool with it. They went to parties on Friday nights, dances as well. I never felt that I was missing out. Maybe I'm weird. I dunno. But my sisters agree that we had a normal life. However, we also had tapes of some of the popular musicians at the time lol.

Anyway, please, tell what she does and I will see what I can suggest to compromise.

__________________
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Dan Carruthers

---Ms.Maricha : Just because she does not....:

Not at all, dear good Christian woman......It's the whole lot of things that SDA has adhered to..


If you see, Jesus has complemented and authored to the Law & Rules, since He is The Author and Finisher of The Faith.


The so called life style , you proclaim is detrimental, when it has already by default being into Legalistic Realms...

Forgive me, for being critical over your "life styles"...it does not work out, only to come forth as hypocrites, trying to keep The Law.


The Providence of God has His Will and Permissive Will acting upon instances and instants as accordingly ...


and to sum up

Ms.Maricha,


The Covenant of Grace triumphs, supersedes, over the Covenant of Law..

and it's Faith, Works and The Greater Grace , which will determine the Saga of your Eternal Life, and not The Law as such..nor The Rituals of Sabbath or any other thing...For The Sabbath has its Great Lord, viz The Lord of The Sabbath..viz Jesus Christ Himself.

Reside n Abide in His Peace .

@ TS

Let your Wife be enlightened of The True Light and His Message of Love,Commandments and Grace..and not any rituals at all.