Role of a Wife in a Marriage?? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-26-2013, 08:29 AM Thread Starter
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Role of a Wife in a Marriage??

My husband and I got married just 3 months ago and since then everything has changed. We are both Christians, but sometimes I feel as though he skewed what he believed to make me marry him. He has told me now that he doesn't believe in the whole Bible, only red letters. We had only known each other for about 9 months and I stupidly jumped into it quickly. I am expecting my first child next summer. When we first met, he had strict standards, but was so sweet, caring, GENTLE and loving that I didn't read the signs as controlling. Now, I am not allowed to see my friends because he doesn't like them and thinks they are bad to me so "he is looking out for me when I can't look out for myself." He dislikes my family (who is wonderful and have been amazing my entire life) and I can't visit them unless he is with me. Actually, I can't go anywhere with people unless he is with me. If he is home, I have to be home otherwise he blows up about how I am choosing someone else over our marriage. He has told me I am now not allowed to wear makeup to work, deleted my facebook account, made me change my phone number, email account, throw away clothes/jewelry and delete all pictures from before we met. The worst part is his anger, it really scares me but I just dont know if I can raise a baby like this much less live life this way.

If I tell him no or disagree with something he says in a nice way, he blows up and becomes violent, breaking my things, punching walls. Last time he got upset it was because my adult sisters and I use nicknames for each other. My sister's name is Marsha and we call her Marshes. He told me it was immature and it made me stupid. I nicely told him that I simply didn't see what the big deal was about it, my whole family is fun-loving and calls each other nicknames. He broke his hand in three places from punching a wall. He hasn't become violent with ME but his rage seems uncontrollable. He has started to see a counselor, but screamed at me when I suggested I see one too.

I have told him how I feel and he says I'm just whining and I should grow up and that no one should be telling him what to do. He also will call me names then and tell me I just need to listen to him and learn my role as a wife. That is the biggest thing. It has come to the point where I have to ask permission to see a friend and if he says No I can't go to lunch with them (I have seen friends 1 time in the last 5 months) and I ask why then he says I need to be a submissive wife and I am just a fake Christian woman. I just feel that there is no negotiating or healthy communication with him.

I have never raised my voice to him or had an attitude before in many ways I have let him control me which is humiliating and makes me feel completely worthless. However, today I finally told him very calmly and respectfully I can't take the control issues and feel unloved and disrespected. He told me to stop running my mouth and that I was being selfish and unsubmissive. After a long run around with that and him threatening divorce numerous times I just ended up saying "okay" so he wouldn't blow up. I just feel like he doesn't see where I'm coming from and I don't know how to communicate with him without him blowing up or calling me names. I also have a hard time just walking away when that happens because I feel bad.

He has also been diagnosed with OCD, Anxiety Disorders and Major Depression so when I try discussing these relationship issues, he says, you know I have problems...Yes, I do know that, but I often feel like our life is lived accommodating them...help!

I want to be a virtuous woman and Godly wife and I know what it means to submit, I'm not perfect but I strive to do my best through Christ. I feel like his idea of "roles" is a bit skewed, am I wrong?

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post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-26-2013, 10:22 AM
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Re: Role of a Wife in a Marriage??

No your not wrong. It is skewed. His disorders do not give him leeway to be an ass and he needs ti stop using them as a crutch.
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post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-26-2013, 10:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Role of a Wife in a Marriage??

Okay, good to know one person thinks I'm not crazy! It all makes you wonder after awhile.

But, how do I express this to someone whose way of expression is punching walls and name calling? Ugh...
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post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-26-2013, 11:36 AM
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Re: Role of a Wife in a Marriage??

If he starts punching walls or name calling just turn and leave. If he asks where the hell your going tell him your going for a walk and refuse to talk to him until he can act like a mature adult and not a neanderthal.
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post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-26-2013, 03:54 PM
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Re: Role of a Wife in a Marriage??

This sounds like bizarre behabior to me and definatel skewed, glad to hear said he is in counseling. I agree with the other poster, mental disorders do not justify this type of behavior toward his wife. Next time he threatens divorce I think I would say 'ya know honey, I think you might be right about that.' Can I ask if if you two were of the same Christian denomination? My wife is catholic and I lean more protestant and we can barely discuss certain things without getting into heated argument. Sad but true I know!
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post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-26-2013, 08:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Role of a Wife in a Marriage??

Thank you Gaia, I am going to do that. It will most likely be the last time I put up with that if it happens to be honest.

That would be hard Sillyputty. There are some huge differences there. We are of the same denomination, but he is a relatively new Christian which I think is making a HUGE difference in all this. He has a strange view on the interpretations of scripture.
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post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-27-2013, 03:21 PM
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Re: Role of a Wife in a Marriage??

That is the classic behaviors of an abuser. Regardless of pregnancy I think you need to do for you and leave. You can't love him into change, you can't change him and he won't change if there are no harsh consequences to his actions.

"The most beautiful words in any language: I forgive"
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post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-31-2013, 04:46 AM
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Re: Role of a Wife in a Marriage??

If i was the unborn child in you and i just read that, i would be shouting for mommy to run run run...

You only live once, u made a HUGE mistake marrying someone too soon. I find most 'reborns' to be overtly strange or in your case psycho, I mean this guy is suppressing you similar to a women living in the far east...he is reading the bible all wrong!
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post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-31-2013, 06:38 AM
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Re: Role of a Wife in a Marriage??

Quote:
Originally Posted by cindywithvalor View Post
My husband and I got married just 3 months ago and since then everything has changed. We are both Christians, but sometimes I feel as though he skewed what he believed to make me marry him.
Make no mistake about this, your husband is NOT a follower of Christ....he is ABUSING the Scriptures...in fact using them to abuse his wife!

If he was a Good man -living as Jesus teaches -he would have these behaviors....




Quote:
When we first met, he had strict standards, but was so sweet, caring, GENTLE and loving that I didn't read the signs as controlling.
Curious, was there any red flags? I often tell people to look at their friendships, how a man treats his Mother....heard someone say how he even handles a Waitress is a good sign. Calling oneself a Christian means absolutely NOTHING. It's our actions that speak, not our confessions of belief.

Quote:
Now, I am not allowed to see my friends because he doesn't like them and thinks they are bad to me so "he is looking out for me when I can't look out for myself." He dislikes my family (who is wonderful and have been amazing my entire life) and I can't visit them unless he is with me. Actually, I can't go anywhere with people unless he is with me. If he is home, I have to be home otherwise he blows up about how I am choosing someone else over our marriage. He has told me I am now not allowed to wear makeup to work, deleted my facebook account, made me change my phone number, email account, throw away clothes/jewelry and delete all pictures from before we met. The worst part is his anger, it really scares me but I just don't know if I can raise a baby like this much less live life this way.
Abusive Men: Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man
Quote:

We have broken down the top 10 signs of an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and seek help or get out.

1. Jealousy & Possessiveness – Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.

2. Control – He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.

3. Superiority – He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.

4. Manipulates – Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help” him. Tells others you are unstable.

5. Mood Swings – His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.
6. Actions don’t match words – He breaks promises, says he loves you and then abuses you.

7. Punishes you – An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.
8. Unwilling to seek help – An abusive man doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.

9. Disrespects women – Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.

10. Has a history of abusing women and/or animals or was abused himself – Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out women who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behavior can be a generational dysfunction and abused men have a great chance of becoming abusers. Men who abuse animals are much more likely to abuse women also.
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He broke his hand in three places from punching a wall. He hasn't become violent with ME but his rage seems uncontrollable. He has started to see a counselor, but screamed at me when I suggested I see one too.
You've only known him 1 year, married 3 months and he broke his hand in 3 places punching a wall. WOW. yeah..he needs some major therapy, medication likely to boot. Anger Management for sure.

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I have told him how I feel and he says I'm just whining and I should grow up and that no one should be telling him what to do. He also will call me names then and tell me I just need to listen to him and learn my role as a wife. That is the biggest thing. It has come to the point where I have to ask permission to see a friend and if he says No I can't go to lunch with them (I have seen friends 1 time in the last 5 months) and I ask why then he says I need to be a submissive wife and I am just a fake Christian woman. I just feel that there is no negotiating or healthy communication with him.
there is no negotiating with an Abusing Man...you need to get out, and away from him.. People like him only destroy others lives, he needs major HELP. ...Do not be an enabler....you do not want your child raised in a home with a Father like this.

Quote:
He has also been diagnosed with OCD, Anxiety Disorders and Major Depression so when I try discussing these relationship issues, he says, you know I have problems...Yes, I do know that, but I often feel like our life is lived accommodating them...help!
This explains a lot, is he on Meds to treat all of this?

Quote:
I want to be a virtuous woman and Godly wife and I know what it means to submit, I'm not perfect but I strive to do my best through Christ. I feel like his idea of "roles" is a bit skewed, am I wrong?
You sound like a wonderful giving wife...unfortunately you married a very damaged man. I would plan my escape...call a Women's shelter even... it's only been 3 months...an "annulment' should be allowed.
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post #10 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-06-2013, 06:02 AM
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Re: Role of a Wife in a Marriage??

Although in cases of problems in a marriage, I would endorse working on them to try to save the marriage. These are not problems. These are abusive behaviours and you need to RUN CINDY RUN.

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post #11 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-06-2013, 05:55 PM
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Re: Role of a Wife in a Marriage??

Yes, normally I would say you should always try to work the problems out first but honey.. GOD does not want you to be abused. I would suggest you get online or in your bible and read everything you can about divorce and abuse. I am a former cheater and my current husband a former controller. My situation was not like yours but in your individual case, I would say divorce him now. His anger is only going to get worse and eventually you will be the victim of his anger and not the walls. My ex husband had an anger problem and hit me a few times that resulted from uncontrollable rage. The holes in the wall were the start. Then the mirrors, next breaking his hand hitting brick.. Then he decided my face would be better. He only hit me twice, because the second time I hit him back just as hard. I have been taking martial arts ever since.

My opinion and advice would be to divorce him while you can still get out with your sanity. My opinion doesn't count for much I know. But as a christian that believes in making marriages work, there are exceptions and yours is one of them. I have been married to a wonderful forgiving man for 16 years now. He used to control me to a certain extent, but never like that. I cringe thinking of your pain. I will do the only thing I can.. I will be here if you need to talk and I will pray for you.
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post #12 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-06-2013, 10:01 PM
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Re: Role of a Wife in a Marriage??

This man is abusive and EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. It is a small step for him to start hitting you and the baby. Obviously he is hitting the wall to scare you and let you what will happen to you if you don't do what he wants. You need to find out about the nearest battered woman's shelter. Given his dangerous and abusive personality, you may have to remain anonymous.

Let me note that I am a man and most of the time taking the man's side. Here you seem to be tolerating his actions. You need help, safety, and out of this house. He needs serious psychiatric treatment. This has gone far beyond what a normal woman will tolerate, and as a religious person who follows the Sabbath, I have no idea why you would believe that legitimate religioun endorses this type of abuse.

You have a hard task, this dominating dangerous man does not want you seeing your parents and family who are people you must start seeing as you desperately need support.
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post #13 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-07-2013, 03:55 AM
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Re: Role of a Wife in a Marriage??

When we donít put our spouse first, we start doing our own thing - what we want to do. Once we feel our spouse is not putting us first, we often begin to put ourselves first, and start doing our own thing and leading parallel lives.
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post #14 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-07-2013, 04:46 AM
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Role of a Wife in a Marriage??

He's very violent and abusive! Your much better off without him.

I left my abusive husband with an infant. The sooner you leave, the better. He's treating you like your his property. His behavior will drastically worsen in the years to come. Get out now!
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post #15 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-07-2013, 11:01 AM
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Re: Role of a Wife in a Marriage??

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Originally Posted by cindywithvalor View Post
I feel like his idea of "roles" is a bit skewed, am I wrong?
More than 'a bit' in my opinion. Please read what SimplyAmorous posted about the signs of abuse. Alienating you from friends and family & his inability to control his anger are very concerning signs. It sounds as though you have a loving family-If I were in your shoes I would reach out to them and make plans to leave (annulment?)

To call you immature for having nicknames with your sisters, to punching holes in the walls and then his obvious immaturity in threatening divorce several times in the first three months of marriage as if his 'problems' excuse him from living up to the same standards he expects from you...all very bad signs, Christian or not. He sounds more like a predator, and found that a Christian woman might be easier prey if she agrees to being a submissive wife and does not believe in divorce.

Please be careful.

~Swedish

No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.
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