I truly do not know what G-d was thinking in putting me on this earth. I know that I have friends and neighbors and family that care about me and support me. But I feel aimless - as if the dissolution of my marriage has set me completely adrift. The plan that I had for my life didn't pan out and I don't have a Plan B.
I just plain don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have tried my hardest my entire life to be a "good girl", be kind, do the right thing, be a good wife and the payoff is that I am now alone and unfulfilled. I can't understand how this happened to my life and what I am supposed to do for the next 39 years.
I am seeking the input of others who believe in God/Jesus/Mohammad/Higher Power (or whatever you call the spiritual force that runs the world) as to how you cope with a loss of faith when your entire life turns upside down and you're not sure what the point is anymore.
I also *really* don't want to hear that I should count my blessings and stop complaining because so-and-so has it much worse than I do, e.g. has cancer, was molested, is poor/blind/paralyzed etc. etc. and is coping with it all with a smile. Clearly, I know all this objectively, but it doesn't help me cope with my personal pain.
Thank you for listening,
First, let me offer my support while you are going through this difficult time to find meaning and happiness in your life.
Recently, this was posted in our Church bulletin, which I found helpful.
Why does God
A. The presence of suffering in the world is a mystery
that we will not fully understand until the final
judgment, but Holy Scripture and the teaching of
the Church can shed some light on it. Consider the
(1) While God is not the cause of evil and suffering, He
permits these afflictions in order to draw some good
out of them. For instance, out of the suffering and
death of Jesus came eternal salvation. If Jesus did not
die on the cross, we could not get to heaven.
(2) In his Apostolic Letter On the Christian Meaning of
Human Suffering, Pope John Paul II said that
“suffering is present in the world in order to release
love, in order to give birth to works of love toward
neighbour, in order to transform the whole of human
civilization into a civilization of love.” Thus suffering
can be beneficial if it stirs us in a spirit of compassion,
love, and sacrifice toward others. This has been
clearly evidenced in the out-pouring of support for the
people suffering from the aftermath of natural
disasters by the people of this Parish, and indeed the
(3) Patient suffering can prepare us for the life to come.
If we suffer with Christ, says St. Paul, we will be
“glorified with him. I consider the sufferings of the
present to be as nothing compared with the glory to
be revealed in us” (Romans 8:17-18).
While I realize you are not Christian, I thought the second point speaks to you from what you have described of being a natural caregiver.
And especially since you have done so much already, being obedient and caring of others, being human, it is only natural to want to say "It is enough, I'm tired or jaded". Sometimes when we are just over the top with everything, we just want to give up all our faith, because we see no point. However, then we realize, there is nothing in our current life to cling to, except our faith. Now is the time to dig in so deep. Initially to help with personal pain, followed by a time for growth and renewal. Don't turn your back on this opportunity.
While we cannot know what plans God has in store for you, I think you are right that your purpose is not complete. Can you put your trust in him to lead and show you the way? Can you obtain any solace or even motivation by thinking, maybe he has even bigger plans for you than what you previously aspired to? Let this guide your prayers, but don't give in to ego, and say thy will be done. Give over to him completely, but also be prepared to listen.
Been there, done that, now wearing the T-shirt