We are around the same age. Thank you for sharing. You sound like a very amazing woman; intelligent, beautiful and brave. You are facing situations that are some of the most difficult a person can face in this life. I'm sorry to hear about all of the loss you have been dealing with -- it makes my own heart ache hearing you pour out yours. I don't understand all that you are going through, but I sure feel it through your words.
I've been going through a book that could really help you right now in this transitional time of your life. It is called "Search for Significance": The Search For Significance: Seeing Your True Worth Through God's Eyes: Robert S. McGee: 9780849944246: Amazon.com: Books
The first thing you need to know -- really need to know -- is that you are loved. You really are. Heck, I'm just some random guy out there on the internet but when I read what you wrote I can tell very quickly that you have an amazing heart and a deep capacity to love. The woman typing on the keyboard at the other end of this conversation is truly loved. You are a daughter of YWHW, and both He and I would love to see you truly smile again and really show the world just how much you have to offer to so many people!
Jesus said this to you:
"“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 11:28-
He prayed for you, too:
“I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message. I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me.
“I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one. I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me. Father, I want these whom you have given me to be with me where I am. Then they can see all the glory you gave me because you loved me even before the world began!
“O righteous Father, the world doesn’t know you, but I do; and these disciples know you sent me. I have revealed you to them, and I will continue to do so. Then your love for me will be in them, and I will be in them.” John 17:20-25
This is my prayer for you, too. That you will find true significance as a daughter of the King of Kings.