[For my story, go here
I grew up in a religous environment that taught that marriage and family and community are sacred. I was taught that especially for a woman, the ability to get married and have children and raise a family while supporting your husband and family's physical and emotional needs was the ultimate goal of life. Of course you should have a job that you enjoy and work outside the home, but only because that makes you a happier and better wife and mother.
I got married at age 22 to my STBXH who was 23. Of course we discussed having a family and he said that he wanted it too. As the years passed and other issues intervened (you can see my journal
for more info), he never felt able to take on the responsibility and make the leap of faith and have kids with me. I pushed and was repelled. If I had pushed harder, we probably would have gotten divorced sooner. But instead I had patience and gave him his space and believed him when he said that we would have kids when the time was right. To be honest, I also was more scared of losing him and being alone, than of not having kids.
So now my marriage is ending after 17 yrs and I have neither spouse or kids. I earned my masters degree, but always put home and family first and my career second. I ended up supporting him in his career while I worked part time and took care of stuff at home. I also did a lot of volunteer work and eldercare for my aging parents and drove our social life and ran the house. I also had personal health issues to deal with.
Now that we are getting divorced, I am going to be alone. I never fulfilled my potential to have and raise children. I am disillusioned by my work & corporate life in general and feel like an aimless cog in a never-ending wheel. I am also grieving the loss of my marriage and the death of my mother and brother all in the same year.
I truly do not know what G-d was thinking in putting me on this earth. I know that I have friends and neighbors and family that care about me and support me. But I feel aimless - as if the dissolution of my marriage has set me completely adrift. The plan that I had for my life didn't pan out and I don't have a Plan B.
I just plain don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have tried my hardest my entire life to be a "good girl", be kind, do the right thing, be a good wife and the payoff is that I am now alone and unfulfilled. I can't understand how this happened to my life and what I am supposed to do for the next 39 years.
For example, many of my friends who have dealt with death or divorce have said, "well I had to stay strong so I can take care of my kids". But I don't have kids and likely never will. After helping care for her for two years, my mom is dead. My 46 y.o. developmentally disabled brother died suddenly for no apparent reason 2 and a half weeks after my mom died.
I have always cared for others and put their needs first and now everyone is telling me that the challenge for me is to take care of myself.
But I really don't see the point.
I am not looking to start a religious debate here as to who's G-d is best. I will say that I am Jewish and have an extensive parochial school education and knowledge of the Old Testament. I am seeking the input of others who believe in God/Jesus/Mohammad/Higher Power (or whatever you call the spiritual force that runs the world) as to how you cope with a loss of faith when your entire life turns upside down and you're not sure what the point is anymore.
I also *really* don't want to hear that I should count my blessings and stop complaining because so-and-so has it much worse than I do, e.g. has cancer, was molested, is poor/blind/paralyzed etc. etc. and is coping with it all with a smile. Clearly, I know all this objectively, but it doesn't help me cope with my personal pain.
Thank you for listening,