I am not Christian

Synergy · 12-10-2009, 08:11 PM

I have been married for what will be 3 years January 1 - if we make it that long.

When we were first dating, we discussed religion in that he has a Minor in Religion, and I am not of the Christian faith. Over the last 3 years we have questioned things about Christianity and about those who claim to be Christians. He too, has struggled with his faith. I find the hypocrisy of those who practice enough NOT to be a member of organized religion (of any faith). I'm sorry - I really do not mean to offend those who truly practice their faith and truly follow it in their everyday living.

He has always found a "center" in church and God - even at a very young age. If he feels he is becoming unstable, or if I start to see it I encourage him and he finds that center again. I have gone to church with him numerous times and even though I am not Christian, I always walk away with a message I can apply to my daily life. I do value that. My beliefs are a little different from those of Christians, but I do believe in God.

That being said, I was baptized at the age of 12. My parents actually started going to church because of my involvement at that time - and my father still does. I just had some questions and couldn't get the answers I needed. "Just have faith" isn't an answer I am comfortable with. Again - I am not trying to offend. I have my own beliefs, but it just doesn't have the same storyline behind it. My husband shows no interest in my beliefs. He believes I am wrong, but cannot offer me answers as to why his faith is the "right" one, or explanations as to why MY beliefs are wrong. To me, this is hypocrisy. I don't believe ANY religion or person has all the answers, hence the word "faith".

After almost 3 years and after some very turbulent times in our marriage, my husband has decided to get his Masters in Pastoral Ministries. This is causing him to reject me due to his not being confident that I am supportive. He says he is happy in his changes, but his marriage isn't......and actually, he's right. We have been struggling with some bad decisions we have made together (which I will leave unsaid). They were things that betrayed our marriage vows. We have always said that no matter what, we would work through it and we didn't want to be without each other. Until the last 2 or 3 months I wouldn't even SAY the word divorce. It just wasn't an option.

Dealing with the aftermath of what we have done, he had a very difficult time trying to forgive "both" of us. He needed that "center" again. We started going to church again and through all of his thoughts, he wanted something more for himself, which is honorable. A chance to make a difference in lives. He has a Bachelor's in Elementary Education and has worked with the disabled - but he wanted more. He chose Ministry.

I'm not sure this is something we will be able to work through. We have gone back and forth a few times in the last couple of months (to the point where I no longer have my wedding band). Just yesterday, he sent me an email that "Love is a Choice". If you are having problems, you CHOOSE to work through them (or not) - especially in Marriage. Today I told him that maybe he should actually READ those emails he sends........he told me a little later that he loves me, but he can't stay. I love him with everything in me and I am willing to work to keep my marriage, and be HAPPY in it - but I am tired of feeling unstable, that he is going to give up (for real this time) and that my beliefs are insignificant.

Your insight is much appreciated.......

Sven · 12-11-2009, 09:08 AM

Good reply Mommy.

I too believe that "Love is a choice". I even think that when you wake up in the morning you make a decision to be happy or sad that day. Yeah, that's simplistic - but it's what I think.

My Christian beliefs are not an issue in my marriage, but it can affect every relationship. It's important to understand that Christians are people too and have the same needs and emotions as everyone else. I'm sure you know that already. The main thing is - does he love you and want the marriage to work?

Also, I don't think you have been totally honest with us in your post. There's a hidden issue under your message. I suspect an affair (or two), and such a thing can be devasting to any marriage.

Counseling is the best active, external thing you can do.

Synergy · 12-11-2009, 07:20 PM

Honestly - there have been no affairs. We have made bad decisions together. We have always been completely honest with each other. That in itself is very comforting. There are too many couples who live "separate lives" within their marriage and we do not, so I'm happy about that.

He pretty much knows the Bible inside and out. He has a Minor in religion. He's very intelligent and analyzes everything. Put the analyzing together with scripture and divorce and ....... He was feeling awful because of divorce being a possibility.

Last night it got to the point where we were discussing living arrangements and vehicles, etc. We were very calm about it. This morning, we talked, we cried and we agreed that our lives need to change for the better. We are going to make this work. I was honest with him in that I will not just "convert" to make him happy, however, I will respect and support him and his work.

Sven - I too believe that we choose to have a good or a bad day. We choose to have a good or a bad attitude. So much good can happen if you just "will it". I think I said that right! lol

We have talked about counseling many times and have gone to a counselor in the past. We stopped going to her because she was going through a divorce but trying to tell us how to save our relationship. I'm sure I wasn't supposed to know about her separation, but her daughter worked at the front desk and let it slip one day. With his analyzing everything, that didn't go over so well. We are still talking about counseling.

Thank you for your input.

artieb · 12-11-2009, 08:18 PM

I can't tell you about everybody's religion or anything, and I can't tell you if there's a God or not, but some time ago I read an essay by a Christian who explained his focus on Jesus. I'd forgotten about it until I read your comment about the marriage counsellor getting a divorce.

Basically, what this guy wrote is that you have to earn moral authority. You can't just say "This is right and that's wrong", and then do what you said was wrong because you're scared or lonely or it's too hard to do what's right. And beyond that, you can't say "I know how you feel" to somebody who's going through something you've never been through. If your brother gets his leg shot off in a war, you don't know how he feels, because his leg was shot off and you still have both of yours.

So, he said, though he's read the writings of many religions, and he agrees with most of what they say (since 90% of most religions teach similar stuff anyway), Jesus was in a position to say "turn the other cheek", because when the soldiers came to get him that's what he did. Jesus said "pray for those who harm you", and then he asked God to forgive the soldiers who hurt him. Jesus did know how it felt to be beaten up and abused, and when it happened he did the same thing he told other people to do.

I don't agree with everything the guy had to say, but he was right on that point: Jesus earned the moral authority to give hard teachings because he followed them himself when things got difficult. Insofar as I feel any need for spirituality, that part of the equation matters a lot to me.

Synergy · 12-12-2009, 02:18 PM

My mother taught me to "do unto others". It is still my favorite to quote. Patience is sometimes an issue with me, as I want everything yesterday. I am strong willed and can be a little overbearing at times. Geez, I hate admitting that!!!!

I do believe we are all imperfect and I cannot expect that people will always have perfect, happy days, I know I don't. We are all human, we can think very highly of ourselves at times too (nobody likes that - lol), but I think too many people are out for the "me me me". This new generation is CALLED the "Me Generation" - sadly.

I think - religion aside - if we all try to be kind, considerate and respectful of others we would have a much better existence.

I know that's a little off base from my original post.....sorry about that! lol

MrWhite · 12-16-2009, 10:18 PM

All I can say after reading all of this is good luck ...

Life and marriage is tough enough without involving religion. there are more human beings in disputes over religion then any other single topic ever created.

I spent 7 years in the ministry until I grew out of it. I was in your husbands same position my wife was in yours. But the stress from the differences destabilized my entire marriage.

Now 12 years later the shoe is on the other foot, she is heavily involved with a church and I want nothing to do with organized religion.

But you know what? We make it work.... we have our other issues .. But we decided that religion is a non-issue with us.

KEY WORD ... WE DECIDED!!!!! Don't allow religion to be an excuse to end your relationship. If it ends religion has nothing to do with it.

Between birth and death you have free will to do and be what ever you choose to do and be. God has control at 2 points in your life, in the beginning and in the end [alpha & omega] the middle is all up to you don't allow yourself be fooled. If your husband wants out he just wants out and thats all there is to it.

Blanca · 12-17-2009, 08:46 AM

I dont think i could handle if my H said he was going to divorce me for his religion. You say you dont have patience, but it sounds like you have a lot of patience to me.