Need real life advise to help save my marriage

vpm09 · 01-13-2010, 01:04 AM

Coming from a man, this is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to admit to myself and to my wife.

I have been married to my wife since April 2006. From 06-08 it was the best time that I have ever had in my life. I finally had the 1 person that I knew that I could spend the rest of my life with.

In Oct 2007, my beautiful daughter was born. According to my wife, that's when I started to change. I turned 30, my job was starting to get rocky and my daughter was born. I believe that they are just excuses that can be used but I can't accept that being the only reasons.
I've always been the one that had control of my life and the one that anyone could come to if they needed anything. Then is where i started realizing that i was losing control of everything.
Instead of going to my wife and letting her help me as my partner in life and someone that could actually help me through it all, I kept her in the dark about it all. At the time I though I was protecting her from all of the problems that I told myself I would be able to fix before they got out of control. Looking back now I can see that that was the last thing I should have done. The words that I was saying to her were all lies!!! For some reason I couldn't see that then because in my mind I was doing the right thing by trying to protect her from the problems going down that I thought was y responsibility to handle.
To make a real long story short, one lie began to another and before I knew it felt I couldn't be honest without seeming like I have failed as a husband, father, and a man in general. I have recently opened my heart and told my wife everything that's went doesn't the past 2 years. I thinks it's to late now. She says that she's not sure if she can get over & past all that to continue with our relationship any longer.
I deserve everything that is happening but that doesn't mean that I have to accept it lying down. The problem now is that everything that I seem to do lately is either making it worse or she says that I sucking up and it will all go back to the way they were. I'm taking measures to try & assure that it doesn't happen but I feel that it needs to be that it's something she wants also. Right?
I really need some advise or support to know that I'm actually doing this correctly???? Please comment & give me some feed back. If you need more details, just let me know & i will give you all the info you want. Thanks in advance

VPM 09

Alexandra · 01-13-2010, 09:15 AM

Kudos for reaching out and looking for advice. You sure aren't taking it lying down and that's a great thing!

Being honest about struggles is difficult. It's difficult for you to put it out there and it's also hard for your wife to hear it. If she voiced the thought that you changed 2 1/2 years ago, she was likely suspicious of something. Now she's dealing with reality instead of suspicion and that takes time.

You've humbled yourself by being open. Have you committed to change? Does she know that? Have you asked for forgiveness? You might need to wait for it, so wait quietly making sure that you're following through with any and all promises that you've made.

It IS possible to make it through. Thanks for sharing!

vpm09 · 01-13-2010, 10:34 PM

Thanks for the response. I don't get to hear positive words lately so if feels good to hear it. Yes I have totally committed to change and have a plan going into affect starting Monday towards that. I've have told her all of my plans and asked her for any kind of feed back or her view of it. She acts like it really doesn't matter really! I've asked for forgiveness so much that she tells me that I'm sucking up now. She is giving me SO MUCH negative vibes that it makes me feel that she don't care now!

Dryden · 01-14-2010, 04:16 PM

I responded in your other thread, but perhaps this will be a better location for the topic so I will copy here:

As a man, we feel like we have to have all of the answers and be everybody's hero. We don't realize that as a couple with have another rock that we can lean against when times turn rough. It sounds like you have come to that realization, and that's a great first step.

You don't give too many details on what exactly went wrong and what you were being dishonest about. However, you've taken a step in the right direction by getting it out in the open. It's to be expected that your wife will feel hurt and angry at first. She is your partner and you've keep something hidden from her. All I can suggest is to support her with what she needs now. Make sure you've told her everything. Ask her what she needs from you to make it through this rough time. A lot of times all we need is some time. Time to process what's happened and come to terms with it. If you need to, seek some professional help for the problems that have crept up the past few years. Show a solid effort to better yourself and right the wrongs.

In the end, even if the worst happens and you have to go your separate ways, you'll know that you're a better man than you were 2 years ago.

MEM11363 · 01-14-2010, 04:21 PM

You are going to have to be specific about what you did wrong and what you lied about. And also what you are doing now.

Without knowing that - you won't get anything more then people saying - keep doing the right thing which clearly isn't working for you as your wife is not responding to it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vpm09

Coming from a man, this is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to admit to myself and to my wife.

I have been married to my wife since April 2006. From 06-08 it was the best time that I have ever had in my life. I finally had the 1 person that I knew that I could spend the rest of my life with.

In Oct 2007, my beautiful daughter was born. According to my wife, that's when I started to change. I turned 30, my job was starting to get rocky and my daughter was born. I believe that they are just excuses that can be used but I can't accept that being the only reasons.
I've always been the one that had control of my life and the one that anyone could come to if they needed anything. Then is where i started realizing that i was losing control of everything.
Instead of going to my wife and letting her help me as my partner in life and someone that could actually help me through it all, I kept her in the dark about it all. At the time I though I was protecting her from all of the problems that I told myself I would be able to fix before they got out of control. Looking back now I can see that that was the last thing I should have done. The words that I was saying to her were all lies!!! For some reason I couldn't see that then because in my mind I was doing the right thing by trying to protect her from the problems going down that I thought was y responsibility to handle.
To make a real long story short, one lie began to another and before I knew it felt I couldn't be honest without seeming like I have failed as a husband, father, and a man in general. I have recently opened my heart and told my wife everything that's went doesn't the past 2 years. I thinks it's to late now. She says that she's not sure if she can get over & past all that to continue with our relationship any longer.
I deserve everything that is happening but that doesn't mean that I have to accept it lying down. The problem now is that everything that I seem to do lately is either making it worse or she says that I sucking up and it will all go back to the way they were. I'm taking measures to try & assure that it doesn't happen but I feel that it needs to be that it's something she wants also. Right?
I really need some advise or support to know that I'm actually doing this correctly???? Please comment & give me some feed back. If you need more details, just let me know & i will give you all the info you want. Thanks in advance

VPM 09

peanut · 01-20-2010, 10:54 AM

I agree with the above post. I do not think that anyone can give you advice if they do not know the specifics. What did you lie about? Did you go to another person for support instead of your wife? You mentioned that your wife might not be able to get over the past, what exactly happened at work, ect?

mandyliza · 02-03-2010, 12:54 PM

What I think men forget sometimes, is that as women we WANT to hear how you are feeling and going through. I am so happy to see that you are doing something about it. My husband is always giving me the 'I am the husband, I need to take on the pressures of life!'...but the women are there to help you through things. That's how women were BUILT. YOU are going to be better for changing, and she is definitely going to take some time to deal with it. Be patient with her, and also pay attention to her that may not have happened in the past few years. And don't ever let that go.

lisakifttherapy · 02-05-2010, 05:03 PM

You are a brave man who showed a great deal of integrity by trying to correct mistakes you've made with your wife. A lot of people would choose to continue to hide - but now you're dealing with the consequences.

When a person in a relationship feels betrayed, it can take a long time to rebuild the trust and foundation under your relationship! Know that she will go up and down emotionally as she continues to process all you've said - but try to stay the course at this point. Be open to dialogue, apologetic and back up your sincere words with sincere actions.