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post #16 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 07:41 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

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My counselor thinks my husband has narcissistic personality disorder. Trying to figure out what to do going forward..I don't talk to anyone about my marriage. We have 3 kids and we both want them to have parents that are together. It feels like I'm living with a skeleton in my closet. Wonder if I will I ever be able to be happy. I love my husband and I care about him. I can't stand the thought of no one taking care of him or loving him. I'm in such a lonely place. Has anyone been in this situation?
Why does "your" counselor think your husband has NPD?

If he hasn't had any sessions with your husband and makes such a statement you need a new counselor as the one you have is a reckless idiot.


As far as love...the only thing you will regret in life is the risks you never took.
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post #17 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 07:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Living with a narcissist

My counselor has had sessions with him. We are in counseling together but it isn't always a priority for my H and consequently I sometimes go alone. I am certain she is right. In fact I can't believe this is the first counselor to suggest it unless as Catherine602 said it isn't good practice, but I don't understand why that would be the case. This is important information that has propelled me forward in terms of understanding and healing.
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post #18 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 08:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Living with a narcissist

My youngest will be an adult in about 5 years which will eliminate my fears about the amount of time my H will have shared legal custody of them. They will be able to see him as much or little as they want. I have to consider further what is best for them now...
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post #19 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 08:51 PM
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Living with a narcissist

At that age, the court may weigh what your child's wishes are as regard to where they live.

My IC's suggested ADD and Abusive/controlling. The couples counselor (first one I could ever get him into) diagnosed N.

They hesitate to tell you as it would be dangerous for you to out them. The N at all costs live the lie in their own reality. The hardest part for me now is to not communicate with the N. at.all.
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post #20 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 09:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Living with a narcissist

I thought it was best to use psychologists until recently when I realized that they weren't helping and it occurred to me that we might need a LFMC. I didn't understand the difference before but it seems clear that she has a better understanding of the dynamics of relationships.....I think!

My husband and I can almost communicate somewhat decently when it is about meaningless stuff, but when an issue comes up it is always a disaster. Our relationship is shallow and empty and there is lots of bitterness. I have lots of resentment, but we try to coexist for the sake of the kids. I find the best way to do that is to avoid each other as much as possible. I work alot (from a home office) and avoid him as much as possible. It keeps me focused on something else and avoids the focus on negative feelings. I find the most peace when we are simply not under the same roof at the same time. It is lonely and difficult but I am able to manage when I feel as though I have divorced him emotionally. I took off my rings off about a month ago because it think it helped me feel like I separated myself emotionally. It makes me sad but at the same time I feel better with them off.

Last edited by Litdr; 09-14-2013 at 09:33 PM.
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post #21 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 09:32 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

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My counselor has had sessions with him. We are in counseling together but it isn't always a priority for my H and consequently I sometimes go alone. I am certain she is right. In fact I can't believe this is the first counselor to suggest it unless as Catherine602 said it isn't good practice, but I don't understand why that would be the case. This is important information that has propelled me forward in terms of understanding and healing.
It's not that it is unethical or bad practice. The therapist is usually "protecting" the patient or spouse. Since there is no effective treatment and the patient would not benefit from knowing, They are not told. Relatives aren't told because they may tell the patient.

Thats why I said you were lucky that yiur therapist cared enough to tell you. Definitely don't tell your husband. He will never accept it and will become enraged that anyone would suggest it.

Use the information to predict what he will do and how you should react to manipulate him. If you know his pychopathy, you can use it to get him to get out of your life and stop the abuse.

N pick the people to have relationships. Not anyone would do. They need someone who is overly nice, lets them get away with bad behavior or saying nasty things. They start off slowly to test how much bad behavior the potential victim will tolerate.

If they stick around and love him even after he has done or said nasty things, he is in. If they tell him to F himself and ignore him, he moves on.

You have to become the person that tells him to F off. If you keep loving him, he will continue to hurt you. He does not deserve your love.

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post #22 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 09:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Catherine602,

Thanks so much for your reply. Everything you said makes so much sense to me. I am really grateful that this counselor had the insight to understand that I needed to know.....not knowing was not healthy.
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post #23 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 08:59 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Litdr I spent 20 years with a NPD and these folks are telling you the truth. If you stay you will end up a shell of a person. Most of the time these types will walk away when they find an new person who they hope to reprogram. I have gained a lot of knowledge from Http://www.shrink4men.com great site to learn about the living He!! you will go through trying to get away from this person. Please plan an exit NOW!! Praying for you.

" The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” C.S. Lewis
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post #24 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 10:06 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

I agree with Catherine and arked. N choose their people, there is a reason he chose you! my ex N chose me bse I am very nice person, I do not have so many friends, so he felt secure without anybody around me. If someone would call me to stop by , he would find an excuse to leave until the visitor is gone. I come from a different country and he was hoping that I do not know anything about the country and rights, so very much he hoped to control me, and he started treating me like a stupid person. They leave people without any remorse, usually they dumped people, and do not understand when someone dumps them. SO be careful when you leave him, he may be very nasty with you once he knows you plan. However, when I read how you are living with him and how you wish you would not be under the same roof, I dont think this is a life. Please live him ASAP. stay strong my dear!
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post #25 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-18-2013, 03:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Living with a narcissist

He lost his job when the economic decline began in 07. He never really got back on his feet. He had lost several jobs prior to that which he attributed to the nature of his work. (I'm honestly not sure how much of that is true. Could be all true, some truth in it or not at all.) He was in the finance sector. He does work a blue collar job now and makes about 25% of what he used to make.

Thanks for your replies and advice everyone.

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post #26 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-20-2013, 07:10 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Hi there! I feel very empathetic for your situation. There is hope though... why do I say this? Well, because as my marriage started to fall apart, I began to see that I might be a narcissist myself. Once I came to that realization, and it was not because someone told me this, change is definitely possible! In fact, if I did not come to this realization so late in the game, my marriage might still have a fighting chance. I was SO wrapped up in myself. The thing is, I definitely treated my wife very well. However, she totally lost her identity because she would do so much just to please me and prevent me from getting upset with her. She felt like she HAD to be exactly like me in order to please me. I think there was a lot of truth to that, but I couldn't see it until it was too late. And that is not what I wanted in the end, but my actions conveyed something totally different. At the end, her most telling statement was - I have no idea who I am anymore. And I thought all of that time she was being herself. She was actually being me! Which was probably why I loved her so much

You have to want change though, if he does not clearly see that there is something wrong with his behaviour, it will continue - and let's face it, because of the nature of the disorder, it's difficult for them to grasp how they can have a problem - it's everyone else that has the problem! There is only so much you can do, and you deserve happiness and your own identity, so do what you need to do to sustain that. Best of luck to you!

"I'd rather forget and not slow down, than gather regret for the things I can't change now."
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post #27 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-20-2013, 09:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Clawed, Thanks for your reply. I can soo relate!

That is the problem...the nature of the disorder is such that he doesn't see what is wrong with his behavior! How do we ever go forward in a good way??? He'll never want to change if he believes that everyone else is the problem which is sooo much the case with him. Did you marriage end? I feel like he's not going to change unless I am willing to leave and then he will realize but by then it will be too late. too little, too late.
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post #28 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-21-2013, 08:51 AM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Hi all, I just came out of a 4 year relationship and it hurts to know the kind of person that I was with because I had so much love in my heart for him but he couldn't accept it I learned about his behavior after the fact. But hope that every day I will grow stronger and trust that you all will to. Here is my true feelings.

Ode to the Narcissist just know that:

That I won’t be there for you emotionally, physically or mentally
That I will charm you at the beginning because I can pretend to be a good guy
That you will never reach my heart
That I will never say I love you unless you say it first and then I won’t mean it
That I won’t do anything that you like to do because it’s all about me
That I won’t understand you or give you what you need
That you will never ask me what I want
That I will ignore you when we have a disagreement and will not communicate
That what you think or feel is not important to me
That when your father dies I will not be there to support you, you’re on your own
That you will not be able to count on me when times are tough
That if you don’t like what I do then I will walk away take it or leave it don’t discuss it
That I will obsess over my things and objects
That I will invite you to mine but the next day I will be happy when you leave
That I won’t forgive you if you do something that I disagree with
That I won’t accept or appreciate your food because my mother’s is better and you don’t make it the same way
That I will never communicate with you because you are not worthy of my effort or time
That I won’t listen or hear your problems because they are no concern of mine
That I won’t celebrate your birthday only mine and my families are important
That I won’t see your way of doing things because mine is the right way and no other way
That I won’t share because I just haven’t had to do it with anyone I don’t need anyone
That I won’t tell you how attractive or beautiful you are because I don’t compliment
[SIZE="3"]That I will order in a restaurant first because you will always be second or last
That I will hold grudges if you do anything to offend me and will not talk to you for days or weeks
That I will alienate you from my family, friends or people because I don’t want you to be social
That I will never trust you no matter how hard you try to make me see I can
That I won’t ever fully accept you in my life because keeping you at a distance makes me happy
That I won’t recognize what you have done for me and will only see what I did for you
That I won’t let you into my heart because my armor is thick and I am strong
That I will only use you for my own self gain such as self gratification for the moment
That I will never show you love because I can keep you on your toes and guessing
That I will take you of the shelf and play with you when I feel bored
That I will turn things around even when it’s my fault and turn other people against you
That I will never say sorry for my actions even when I am wrong
That I will be little anyone around me because they don’t know what they are doing
That I will take advantage of people even though they don’t know I am doing it for self gain
That I will pretend to be a man of God because it makes me look good in their eyes
That I will know I am right all of the time and will not compromise
That I will never accept you for who you are because you are not perfect and you need to be
That I will teach you things and if you don’t follow through I will blame you
That I will never try to understand you as a person and love you for who you are
That when I do things with you, you had better know that you are lucky you are in my presence
That I will taunt you after the fact and say that I wanted you to move in with me but not really
That when I abuse you emotionally I will be happy that I have hurt you because you deserve it
That you will be thankful when I do deeds for you that is how I show love but not really
That showing deeds allows me to keep a distance from you to show any true feelings
That giving you no real love will make you feel worthless in the end when I decide to dump you
For someone else that doesn’t know me and I can start all over again with the charade…..

There is no need to question yourself any further it is what it is very sad but oh so true..







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post #29 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-23-2013, 11:38 AM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

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Clawed, Thanks for your reply. I can soo relate!

That is the problem...the nature of the disorder is such that he doesn't see what is wrong with his behavior! How do we ever go forward in a good way??? He'll never want to change if he believes that everyone else is the problem which is sooo much the case with him. Did you marriage end? I feel like he's not going to change unless I am willing to leave and then he will realize but by then it will be too late. too little, too late.
I am going to be honest here, and this is coming from someone who is probably only borderline N - it literally took my wife being unfaithful and then leaving and filing for divorce for me to take an excruciatingly hard look at myself. What my wife did was terribly wrong, but I can't control her behaviour. What I can control is myself and how I decide to move forward. I also had other issues, such as major depressive disorder, so I was a real mess. I got help though, I admitted myself to a behavioural health hospital and they got me on meds for the depression. For the rest, well, let's just say I had to make some big life changes. I started going to church and got involved there. I also started volunteering there for their youth sports program. Turning my focus toward other people has really been extremely rewarding! I know it's not all about me and it was sobering to realize that when my wife left, I was left without any friends because I made my wife everything. Thankfully, I have an amazingly supportive family (that I shut out for the duration of my 15 year marriage).

So, what needs to be done in your situation? Well, I think the only thing that can be done is for you to leave. I'm not talking divorce yet, but unless he sees that his behaviour has very real consequences - such as the possibility of losing you - he has no motivation for change. If you have already decided that you do not want to have any part in it anymore, then the objective is the same. Get out! Try to find a safe place for you and the kids. Protect yourself and protect them. Then, well, I think you need to regain a sense of your lost self. Start doing things that make you happy. Take up a new hobby or pick one back up that you felt like you couldn't do because you were 'not allowed.' Connect with friends and family you have probably neglected because of his controlling nature. Make YOU a priority for once! Your kids will be happy if you are happy ~ I truly wish you the best.

"I'd rather forget and not slow down, than gather regret for the things I can't change now."
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post #30 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-23-2013, 12:59 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

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My child has a terminal condition. Yes we are still under the same roof working on a separation agreement because H just couldn't wait. There are daily "issues" made, bullying, verbal abuse, emotional abuse. I am living with a lot of trauma day to day and am basically a single parent. I fully expect PTSD at the end of all this.

After D-day (almost all N lead a double life btw) I was such a shell and devalued person. My wake up call was passing out after being up caring for my sick child for almost a week, by myself. I realized H was the stressor in my life and not my child or her disease.

I have started to rebuild myself as best I can with low contact. I know it will be impossible to heel till no contact happens. Till then H pulls out all the stops and tricks. It is my job to remind myself what is and is not my problem or get sucked into the N game.

I am grateful my sweet child won't grow up with an N parent. I did and it was how I ended up where I am today. It didn't do me any favors.
I'm so very sorry. I pray that things will improve or some healing comes your way.

I feel sorry for those with depression, mental illness, hangnails, bad hair, bad childhood memories, etc. I feel sorry for the visually impaired but that doesn't mean I want a blind person flying my airplane and my compassion won't make the flight any safer.

- Unbelievable
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