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post #31 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-23-2013, 01:02 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

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From the bottom of my heart I tell you this. Start preparing an exit plan. Whether you ever use it it is in your best interest to do so. Living with a narcissist one day you will wake up a shell of a person. The nature of the disorder will leave you feeling discarded and devalued. Then the N will isolate you from family and friends and resources. They will not care, they have no empathy. The person you married was a fake and when you are devalued and discarded likely without financial resources, their true self will show. They are incapable of change as they think they are perfect. When you are stranded, your children will be next.

I am currently living this hell and can't wait to be out of crazy land. They say they want to stay for the children, and while some part of them may care, or display an outward appearance to care, I am not sure they really can.

Oh and N can become violent. Very dangerous. I didn't think it would happen to me. I was wrong.
Unfortunately this is spot on with a Narcissist. Don't waste your life on a narcissist OP.


I feel sorry for those with depression, mental illness, hangnails, bad hair, bad childhood memories, etc. I feel sorry for the visually impaired but that doesn't mean I want a blind person flying my airplane and my compassion won't make the flight any safer.

- Unbelievable
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post #32 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-23-2013, 07:10 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Litdr, I wonder how you are doing.I hope you are having support online or through friends and family, because living with a narcissist will drain you. Keep posting here, to have more support.
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post #33 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-01-2013, 12:20 AM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

I am sorry to say (having been through it myself) that there is no solution to living with a narcissist. They will never get better, they will only destroy you.
You may lose everything you have when you try to end things. They will make it their mission to destroy you. But better to lose everything than to lose your soul, which is what will happen if you stay.
Sorry to sound pessimistic for you but you have actually been given a huge blessing. By losing everything you have you will lose your fear of it and you will be able to go on to create a much happier life for yourself as a much stronger person. It will be tough but you will get through it eventually.
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post #34 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-02-2013, 02:05 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

I never knew my ex husband was a Narcisist until I looked up emotional abuse. He fit the profile exactly. You can't live with these types of people, they never take any responsiblity for anything, and it's all about how they look to other people. It will drive you crazy and make you re-think who you are.

I thought it was always me that was in the wrong, they twist everything to their own benefit.
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post #35 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-02-2013, 08:06 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Lots of very successful people have NPD TRAITS

doesn't mean they have NPD

Don't be quick to LABEL someone something that hasn't been properly diagnosed by a licensed diagnostician.



Narcissists suck! Selfish People Suck!

Here is a tip that CAN help in dealing with a Narcissist

Offer a problem to them you need help with
Tell them you have these two or three ways that it could be handled (each of which you completely have no problem with) and let them have the ILLUSION of control and decision making and problem resolution (same time strokes their ego) and you get what you want.



This is a coping skill - if you understand what I'm saying...this can be useful in dealing with an EX and child issues (visitation, payment whatever issues that arise) and useful when you haven't yet left the situation.
Also a good coping skill to use to deal with the Narcissistic elderly Parent, sibling...those people you sadly, can't avoid or eliminate from your life.

Also, be clear headed in the things that are the utmost importance to YOU.....then you can make a big stink/issue out of something you don't care about....so that the spotlight isn't on the really important and necessary item/point/condition will slide right on past them.
Narcissists also think they are smarter than they are - keep that in mind. They are trying to save "Face" in their contrived idea of the world (and that it revolves soley around them), their importance and outword perception of their "persona"

It's Rough. Strength and White lights to all dealing with it.
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post #36 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-04-2013, 10:42 AM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Why did you all stop posting?

My EXH is classic narcissist. Just adding my two cents.

Don't let me stop y'all from posting.
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post #37 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-08-2013, 10:01 AM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

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Here is a tip that CAN help in dealing with a Narcissist

Offer a problem to them you need help with
Tell them you have these two or three ways that it could be handled (each of which you completely have no problem with) and let them have the ILLUSION of control and decision making and problem resolution (same time strokes their ego) and you get what you want.


Not to sound dense or anything, but can you give me an example of a problem one might offer and some of the ways it could be handled? Narcissistic traits is certainly something both my husband and mother display. Not saying they have NPD but most deffo some traits. I think the thing that causes me the most anxiety with my husband is, his lack of empathy for things, especially with me. I'm the total opposite of that so him lacking that, is quite bothersome, and i don't always know how to handle that.

"If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten."
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post #38 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-09-2013, 07:55 AM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

In my experience with a narcissist, it never gets better, the best thing to do is ignore and go on with your life. If its a family member, once again ignore and get on with your life, it will drain you from living.

"When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."
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post #39 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-11-2013, 08:24 AM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

I'm separated from my husband, who I believe to be a classic narcissist. I've always believed that he was one but didn't understand fully until I left him a couple months ago and started reading about High Conflict Personalities. It certainly bring to light the last 22 years of hell I've been living and the guilt he has placed on me for all that is wrong in his life. After reading more about divorcing a narcissist, I'm learning that this is not going to be an easy process like I had hoped. It almost makes me want to run back and just deal with his **** but we have two kids, ages 12 and 8, and I need to keep them away from that influence as much as possible. I know he loves his kids and it's killing me that I've left and taken them away. He tells me he truly wants to stay together but he can't really see why I've left him in the first place. I haven't confronted him about the fact that I think he has this disorder. I know it would do no good. He has clouded my judgment for so long and it will probably take me years to get his influence out of my head and think like a healthy person. I have felt so hopeless the last few days. I'm 46 years old and have moved back in with my parents. I am trying to find a job, without much success. I've had to sell everything of value to just live the last 12 months and I have nothing left. Everything I have is because my father has given it to me. I need to be in therapy right now but I can't afford it. I can't even afford to file for divorce. And I'm afraid once I file for divorce it will destroy my husband.
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post #40 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-11-2013, 09:36 AM
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Living with a narcissist

Hi Confusedinsc

Counseling will help, but in the mean time you need to take time and be kind to yourself and rediscover you. What do you like? What are your goals?

You are lucky you are out and have some family support. Take it. You need time to deprogram from the abuse. Journal. Write out all the crazy in a log, write another one about you and your children full of positive things that you have done together. Even if it is a walk to play at the park.

I am lucky. I am currently separated (though the residing under the same roof part is difficult) I am healthy and I can now pay my own bills, buy my own food and freedom to go where I want. It was so stressful to go through even having a separation agreement. My friends kept me grounded and sane.

If he is a N then there is probably someone else in his life already. If so you are super lucky because he will expend all his N energy on her and not as much on you.

Living with an N is like being sucked into their tornado. You don't see how bad it is till you are free as they have slowly but surely whittled away at your sense of self.

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post #41 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-11-2013, 06:14 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Motherofone and Confused, Sorry you to hear what you have been through. Try to join online narcissism trauma and survivor group, you will find support daily. Confused, please do not go back bse if you do, it will not fix anything, instead he will blame you and will mock you that you left and came back to him. It is to validate his narcissism since in his mind he will think that you cannot live without him. I had a relationship with a N but it was a living hell. It was not easy to go without contact but I made it. I was so drained, my head what spinning and could not understand why he could not understand that he has a serious issues. I tried him many time to give him a chance to change but he did not understand that other people exist and need be loved and communication. He was narcissist to the very core. I am happy I do not see him anymore. Like motherofone says, if you want to help yourself, encourage him to find another woman if he did not find one yet. N do not live without someone to give him supplies he needs. Please do not go back, one day you will be strong and will look back and be happy that you are no longer with him. There is hope.
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post #42 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-11-2013, 11:17 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Yes they need a host, and once they have you, they suck out all your humanity, love, strength , patience and cannot stop until you feel weak like a shell, crazy, blind, worthless. I wonder if they are vampires!!
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post #43 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-12-2013, 07:50 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

I'm still confused and doubt myself all the time. I know in my heart that my husband is a controlling narcissist. My problem is I know why he is this way. He was abused by his dad and if his dad wasn't dead today, I'd go give him a piece of my mind. It makes me sad that I can't help or fix him. I have accepted his making me feel guilty today because he is 4 hours away from our kids and he has no money to come see them.

2galsmom...I'm afraid to ask how your 15 years ended in trauma. I'm going to go back and read some of your past posts.
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post #44 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-12-2013, 08:42 PM
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Living with a narcissist

Confusedinsc now your task is to find out why he preyed/ picked you. What are your best qualities? Your probably very giving and caring, so am I.

Trust is one of my best qualities and my biggest downfall in regards to N. Good news is I do still trust even better is that I want to be by myself for a long while before even thinking about another relationship. If there is a next time I do need to be careful as I am prime N bullseye. The next time around I know just what flags to look for. My sense of self will no longer be eroded by another.

It is a process and yes you live trauma everyday and abuse everyday whether you realize it or not. My case also involves a child with a terminal disease. I am well aware C-PTSD could be in my future. Perhaps to a lesser degree now that we are actually separated. My point is no matter what is going on you still need to be kind to yourself. Even take a moment before bed just to yourself, read, meditate, workout. Whatever you want to have a happy moment.
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post #45 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-14-2013, 01:04 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Hi, all!

Just wanted to say I walked out on my narcissistic STBX in May 2012. I am working, saving money, feeling appreciated, respected, all the stuff I never got from 23 years with him!

I would like to recommend a book to all of you that helped me A LOT when I worked through it earlier this year with another TAM member. We each had a copy of the book (we live in different states); we'd read a chapter, answer the questions, and then email the answer to each other.

This made us really THINK about our answers, and helped us to ask each other any pertinent follow-up questions that would help clarify things. It keeps you honest and focused and helps you GET IT DONE knowing that someone else is working on it WITH you! I really recommend you buddy-up and do this.

The book is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and was recommended here on TAM (which is where *I* learned about it). I found it helpful because it helped me acknowledge in my heart (not just intellectually in my head) WHAT my problems are, where they stem from, and how to move BEYOND them!

My life is SO MUCH MORE JOYFUL now without the poison of living with a personality-disordered person! I wish EACH OF YOU joy, knowledge, and self-love!

*hugs* ~SGW
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