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post #46 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-19-2013, 06:36 AM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Ha ha, OM got my XW with full blown NPD, he was chosen for his career and many obvious other reasons. He is the affair victim, not me. I am standing up and dusting off and starting with a new fanancial life, a new business, friends and freedom to be my true self again. On the other side, OM has just started the end of his life.

Of all the mythical creatures out there, the physical attractive one with NPD is the worst of all. Good riddance to me and good luck to OM.

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post #47 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-24-2013, 10:52 PM
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Living with a narcissist

I've often wondered if my husband has this. I can relate to what you've said about manipulation and lies and overall zero real empathy. It's so hard to deal with and no one around you gets it if they haven't seen it themselves. Because who can imagine someone acting so insane and cruel? It goes against everything normal people do to be so self centered and able to fake emotion yet care about no one. I know I took it for so long because I just didn't think someone could really be so unable to see their mistakes and be so cruel. I think that's what sucks a lot of people in; they assume people like this must just be struggling and have emotional problems because it's so hard to wrap your head around someone truly lying and manipulating and faking emotions all just to get what they want regardless of who it hurts. But I'm starting to realize they do exist and aren't worth anyone's time. No one is worth their effort, so why are they worth ours?
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post #48 of 54 (permalink) Old 06-26-2015, 08:34 AM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Originally Posted by Litdr View Post
I thought it was best to use psychologists until recently when I realized that they weren't helping and it occurred to me that we might need a LFMC. I didn't understand the difference before but it seems clear that she has a better understanding of the dynamics of relationships.....I think!

My husband and I can almost communicate somewhat decently when it is about meaningless stuff, but when an issue comes up it is always a disaster. Our relationship is shallow and empty and there is lots of bitterness. I have lots of resentment, but we try to coexist for the sake of the kids. I find the best way to do that is to avoid each other as much as possible. I work alot (from a home office) and avoid him as much as possible. It keeps me focused on something else and avoids the focus on negative feelings. I find the most peace when we are simply not under the same roof at the same time. It is lonely and difficult but I am able to manage when I feel as though I have divorced him emotionally. I took off my rings off about a month ago because it think it helped me feel like I separated myself emotionally. It makes me sad but at the same time I feel better with them off.
I feel like I am looking in the mirror when I read this post. ON THE NOSE, down to removing my rings, working from home, divorcing him emotionally.....

We have been to multiple counselors, our pastor, he even went to a licensed Christian Psychiatrist for 2 years. The latter did nothing but lie to me and charge our insurance for appointments, while he never required my husband to have any sort of follow through, progress, accountability. Bordering on ethical violations IMHO. I initially set up the situation and attended several of the first few meetings, then we decided to have DH attend on his own. After the 2nd session, I put the psychiatrist on the spot and asked, 'Do you think there is any hope, or are these deep seated character issues?' He assured me that my DH could recover. Liar! He already had identified the sense of entitlement and the emotional maturity level of a teenager in this 40 something man. It wasn't until a couple years later, as I was once again seeking answers that I stumbled upon the NPD descriptions and had to come to my own conclusions after living with this twisted reality and manipulator for nearly 3 decades. I felt sooooo betrayed by all the people I'd sought help from, but most of all by my DH.

I realize this is an ancient post, and pray that you have found relief and healing at this point. Me? Another counselor I went to in 2012 on my own helped me through the identification of the problem and my own co-dependence. I'm now finally strong enough to avoid engaging most of the time. I must separate from this man, however. I am not of the constitution to remain in a shell of a false relationship sadly. He is taking terrible advantage of me and is a Class A exploiter, and I can no longer stomach his lies and twisted reality to maintain his cushy existence at my expense.
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post #49 of 54 (permalink) Old 10-29-2015, 01:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Kids are now 18,16,14. Still trying to hang in. I can't believe some of the things that I read and ring so true but for some reason it is still so hard to see it for what it is. Lately I have really had a shift in my thinking and feel so compelled to leave. It is such a lonely feeling and I feel like I live a double life. We stopped therapy since it wasn't changing anything, although i know it helped me understand and at least it gave me an outlet for my feelings. I don't take medication because I generally am reluctant to do so although sometimes I think it might help and most likely people do in my situation. Instead I focus on work and keeping busy with larger tasks since I don't seem to know how to relax anyway. Keeping busy helps a lot but it is really so hard to feel so alone.
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post #50 of 54 (permalink) Old 11-30-2015, 01:34 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

My husband is a narcissist too. He was always angry. Never could talk out a problem. Just would scream and tell me everything I always did wrong? Of course he did nothing wrong. He tore me down more than I can tell you, WELL NEVER AGAIN! They cannot admit, fix or recognize their own faults and blame everyone else. If I were you Id get out before you waste your life like I did. I was here for 25 years. I wish someone had slapped me sooner.
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post #51 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 01:01 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Wow.... Whoever posted the Ode to Narcissists and listed ALL the things they "will do" totally nailed it...

I've also read up on things and wondered if my husband is one... it sure would explain a LOT. and he is very angry and a completely different person when I try to leave... Total different person. He constantly twists every story to his benefit. I feel I will never win in this marriage... but why the hell does it feel like it's a competition in the first place..

off to research NPD... yikes
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post #52 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 03:18 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

You don't live with a narcissist. You coexist with them and occasionally fail to serve them in the manner to which.

Is there such thing as insanity among penguins? - Werner Herzog
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post #53 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 03:45 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Originally Posted by Litdr View Post
He lost his job when the economic decline began in 07. He never really got back on his feet. He had lost several jobs prior to that which he attributed to the nature of his work. (I'm honestly not sure how much of that is true. Could be all true, some truth in it or not at all.) He was in the finance sector. He does work a blue collar job now and makes about 25% of what he used to make.

Thanks for your replies and advice everyone.
Large amount could be insecurity. Losing ones self image like that can be very traumatic to a person, moreso than just losing a loved one; they lose themselves status, self-value, respect, trust, social connections and behaviours, coping, all wiped out.
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post #54 of 54 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 05:47 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

I wasn't strong enough to leave my NPD husband for many years, even though he routinely made me feel small. He literally waved me away and/or shushed me when he'd get tired of hearing me speak, yet his lectures about all the ways I could be a better person - right down to how I didn't walk "right," could go on and on. His own sister and brother told me on more than one occasion over the years that they didn't know how I could live with him and stand to be treated the way he treated me. I should probably someday send the OW he left me for a Thank You note for taking him off my hands.

He is already trying to reprogram her. She is overweight - obese, really. When he left, he took a whole bunch of my size 6 and 8 clothes that he didn't think I was wearing anymore with him. When I asked him why, he told me the lie I'm sure he told himself: that he thought removing clothes he had bought for me from the house would make me feel better. He used to buy me clothes that were one or two sizes too small for me - he even once said, to give me the incentive "to lose the weight."

His Dad psychologically abused him as a child. Made him walk on egg shells around him, rather than make him mad enough to give him a beating. Took his dog out into the back yard and shot him one night when he (my ex) was 8 years old, because the dog was old "and suffering" rather than at least pay to have him euthanized. There is the trauma from which he will never recover, inflicted on a son by a father.

You can't fix narcissists. Not full-blown ones like my ex who think they are perfect and incapable of doing anything wrong. I agree with the advice about making an exit plan. And I commend the women strong enough to leave. I'm fortunate he found a new victim and left me for her, rather than continue to diminish and devalue me for another 25 years. Or even another 5.
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