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post #1 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-13-2013, 07:50 PM Thread Starter
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Living with a narcissist

My counselor thinks my husband has narcissistic personality disorder. Trying to figure out what to do going forward..I don't talk to anyone about my marriage. We have 3 kids and we both want them to have parents that are together. It feels like I'm living with a skeleton in my closet. Wonder if I will I ever be able to be happy. I love my husband and I care about him. I can't stand the thought of no one taking care of him or loving him. I'm in such a lonely place. Has anyone been in this situation?

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post #2 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-13-2013, 08:05 PM
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Living with a narcissist

From the bottom of my heart I tell you this. Start preparing an exit plan. Whether you ever use it it is in your best interest to do so. Living with a narcissist one day you will wake up a shell of a person. The nature of the disorder will leave you feeling discarded and devalued. Then the N will isolate you from family and friends and resources. They will not care, they have no empathy. The person you married was a fake and when you are devalued and discarded likely without financial resources, their true self will show. They are incapable of change as they think they are perfect. When you are stranded, your children will be next.

I am currently living this hell and can't wait to be out of crazy land. They say they want to stay for the children, and while some part of them may care, or display an outward appearance to care, I am not sure they really can.

Oh and N can become violent. Very dangerous. I didn't think it would happen to me. I was wrong.
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post #3 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-13-2013, 08:13 PM
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Living with a narcissist

From the bottom of my heart I tell you this. Start preparing an exit plan. Whether you ever use it it is in your best interest to do so. Living with a narcissist one day you will wake up a shell of a person. The nature of the disorder will leave you feeling discarded and devalued. Then the N will isolate you from family and friends and resources. They will not care, they have no empathy. The person you married was a fake and when you are devalued and discarded likely without financial resources, their true self will show. They are incapable of change as they think they are perfect. When you are stranded, your children will be next.

I am currently living this hell and can't wait to be out of crazy land. They say they want to stay for the children, and while some part of them may care, or display an outward appearance to care, I am not sure they really can.

Oh and N can become violent. Very dangerous. I didn't think it would happen to me. I was wrong.
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post #4 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-13-2013, 08:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Motherofone,
Thanks for your reply. I have felt for a long time that he doesn't value me, but I know it is because he is broken, not me. I haven't allowed him to isolate me from my family although he has tried. I leave him behind. I have to because I won't live the way he wants me to. Everything makes sense to me now that I understand his disorder. It gives me strength but it doesn't change the fact that I am lonely. He can't love me the way I want us to love each other. It is really sad. I know I won't live this way forever but I'm trying to stay long enough to finish raising the kids. Is your child grown? Do you still live with your N?
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post #5 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-13-2013, 08:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Mavash, I often wonder how this will impact my kids. Did you have a relationship with your dad? Did you love him? Did it get better or worse as you got older? Did your mom and dad know he was a narcissist?
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post #6 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-13-2013, 08:27 PM
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Living with a narcissist

My child has a terminal condition. Yes we are still under the same roof working on a separation agreement because H just couldn't wait. There are daily "issues" made, bullying, verbal abuse, emotional abuse. I am living with a lot of trauma day to day and am basically a single parent. I fully expect PTSD at the end of all this.

After D-day (almost all N lead a double life btw) I was such a shell and devalued person. My wake up call was passing out after being up caring for my sick child for almost a week, by myself. I realized H was the stressor in my life and not my child or her disease.

I have started to rebuild myself as best I can with low contact. I know it will be impossible to heel till no contact happens. Till then H pulls out all the stops and tricks. It is my job to remind myself what is and is not my problem or get sucked into the N game.

I am grateful my sweet child won't grow up with an N parent. I did and it was how I ended up where I am today. It didn't do me any favors.
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post #7 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-13-2013, 08:39 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

I don't think you need to worry about someone taking care of him. Worry about you and your kids. If he is a narcissist, he already has his plans lined up if the marriage does not work. N are master manipulator's, they get what they want by any means necessary. It is usually at the expense of others.

You seem to be the perfect partner for a N. he has you worrying about him. You and your kids are in harms way. If your husband is a N, he is not concerned about you or your kids. Your therapist should have told you not to waste time concerning yourself about him. Have you done any reading?

You need to do that. Therapist rarely give an opinion about personality disorders because there are few consistently effective treatments. You are lucky that your therapist is telling you. Take it to heart and use it to protect you and your children.
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post #8 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-13-2013, 08:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Living with a narcissist

OMG. I'm so sorry to know that your child is sick. I'm not very religious but I do believe in prayer. I will pray for peace and comfort for you and your daughter.

I have lost hope for a good life with my husband, but I'm trying to make life as good as it can be for the kids. My husband and I agree to try to peacefully coexist for the kids. It isn't a war zone, but it needs to be better for the kids. I just recently switched to this new counselor after many counselors and several years of counseling I think this one finally zeroed in on the problem and everything makes sense which I hope will give me strength to try and make our living situation better for the kids. It reduces some of my bitterness and anger towards him. He has no idea he is an N and he has no idea of how I really feel but I guess that's to be expected.

I have never feared that my husband will hurt me, but now that I see him as a stranger and not the person I thought I married it has entered my mind that I don't really know who he is or what he is capable of. Motherofone and Mavash, has the N in your life ever been unexpectedly violent? Should I worry that he could suddenly become violent? What provoked the violence in your experiences?
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post #9 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-13-2013, 09:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Catherine, thank you for your reply. You're right...I need to put my concerns for him aside. It is so hard because its not the way I was raised. I do however have the insight to realize that I deserve better and my kids and their emotional health is more important than anything to me.

I have been reading as much as possible and I have a book on order. My counselor just shared this with me this week and I am grateful, and overwhelmed with realization. It is stunning how much it fits....

I am the breadwinner in the family (not by choice) and I think I have a very strong sense of who I am which has helped me survive without completely succumbing to his manipulation tactics. I am very educated, I like my career and I know that I am a good person. I'm not sure how these things have factored into our situation, but I think it has helped me in some way.

Still trying to figure things out....I really appreciate your insight.
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post #10 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-13-2013, 09:07 PM
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Living with a narcissist

Yes. My mother was BPD/N. totally unstable combination.

My H crushed me into a wall over a child's toy. I was in shock. Complete and utter shock. The police were called. Anyone reading the report would see manipulation and crazy all over it from his side. I had severely bruised muscles around my rib cage and possible fractures. It was a medicated and still very painful week especially caring for and lifting my child.

Thanks for the prayers. They are always welcome and appreciated.

The one thing the N's in my life did was groom me for hardship and tenacity to overcome obstacles placed before me. I liken my life till now (I got answers so things make more sense and I can work through it all) has felt like climbing up an endless hill in knee deep mud. I was always convinced by the n's that I was the problem (which to some extent I was - trusting, dependable, loyal and a co-dependent) when it was just that I was trapped in their tornado of their personality disorder.

I would hate for your children to end up marrying a N because you choose to stay for them. You can provide a safe and stable environment outside of the N tornado.

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post #11 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-13-2013, 09:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Thanks for you insight. I really appreciate it.
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post #12 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 06:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Living with a narcissist

If I leave rather than find a way to peacefully coexist then my kids will have to deal with their father without me around during his share of custody. How am I supposed to let them fend for themselves? I've always felt a need to protect them from him when it seemed he didn't respect their emotions completely. Now I understand why.
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post #13 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 07:12 AM
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Living with a narcissist

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Originally Posted by Litdr View Post
If I leave rather than find a way to peacefully coexist then my kids will have to deal with their father without me around during his share of custody. How am I supposed to let them fend for themselves? I've always felt a need to protect them from him when it seemed he didn't respect their emotions completely. Now I understand why.
Unfortunately yes, but worse case he has them 50%of the time. You provide them a safe place with you. IC for them could be a good thing- not sure their ages, but giving them someone to talk to to help guide their choices and maintain healthy boundaries will go a long way.

Trust me I know how you feel, but If my daughter was normal I would of left a long time ago. School would have her during the day so I could work and likely H would have every other weekend. She can tell him she is upset. He doesn't usually listen but she is capable.
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post #14 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 03:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Living with a narcissist

Yea my kids say things to him that are beyond their years and it seems as though it goes in one ear and out the other. It is astounding! I find myself saying "are you hearing her/him?" He never does! Something else that makes sense now.

My H is 52.
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post #15 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-14-2013, 07:30 PM
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Re: Living with a narcissist

How old are you kids? Sorry you are here and you live with a N. i did not married N but I dated one, it was a short date since after shortly, I discovered his NPD. He is a 100/100 N. I was not sure what was wrong with him but after months, i had no doubt. I then start to plan how to get away from him. It was a toxic relationship, it affected my life, health, and work. I was drained. I understand that you think you want to help you kids, but if i was you, I would not chose to expose my kids to a N father. Since N do not love, he always think that you and to Kids are there to please him. I am sure he will do what is possible to keep you around, or to threaten you if he knows you are leaving, since N are manipulative and good with lies. the long time you stay with a N , the more therapies and medication you take when he does not care since he does not even accept that he has a problem. Go to N support group and read book to help you. Good luck.
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