Getting back to this...
He isn't BPD.
He was not supervised well as a lad, but he was loved. He got into a lot of trouble because of it, and lied to protect himself. IMO, suffered physical injury that would have been prevented with proper supervision. But I love his folks. We lost his mom a few years ago and I feel that loss to this day. I loved her very much.
We separated a few weeks ago.
My fault. I reached a peak.
I am trying to find a therapist. I did drag my feet on that for a while. It is irritating looking for a therapist to deal with anger and having them not get back to you. Must be some kind of test.
One kid left at home. They are very much alike. But she has said she is enjoying our time alone. That surprises me and saddens me. They ski together. He cooks for her. Takes her places. Yet, she prefers me. Not fair. His personality isn't mine. He often fails to get her humor. Gets angry. Takes things wrong. Always thinks he is being blamed. If I am not madly in love with him, he can't relate to anyone else.
God. Maybe he just isn't that bright.
Head injuries as a kid?? Hockey. Getting the crap kicked out of him by another kid. Falls. Minor explosions. He played with chemicals.
Or, maybe these are mommy issues.
Whatever. The answer isn't important. What are we going to do?
I can't say I have missed him. I think apart from the fact that he has buried himself in work, maybe he has benefited from the distance, too.
We still discuss his work from a technical standpoint. We are still a team there.
I think that I could easily divorce at this point.
But I think that wouldn't be the right choice.
I think he has conquered what he can and might make incremental improvements. He isn't cheating. Isn't watching porn or going to strip clubs. Has become a key player at work. Whether our younger likes him as much as me or not, he is a good dad. His personality is what it is. Brain injury? Aspergers?
I am bored.
So I need to unbored myself.
He isn't deep.
That's the only real problem. I want depth with a guy. Or maybe I am ripe for an affair.
Emotional depth and sex.
So... Where can I simulate depth with a guy but not risk my marriage?
Is there a guy version of SIRI?