Are some people incapable of introspection?
Are some people incapable of introspection? When you ask someone the question"Why?"
and their answer is always "I don't know" how can you tell when the answer is a cop out versus genuine?
I am getting frustrated with my H because he has been attending therapy, not sharing about it, and I haven't seen any real change in behavior. He says he is working and I know he isn't doing the reading he is asked to do. I asked him for a concrete example of something he he's done as a result of therapy and he can't give me an example. I haven't gotten the impression he is going to address the things that make him so defensive, given to lying, being selfish and emotionally distant. There is more but those are some of the highlights.
In particular I am concerned with his poor relationship with honesty and his ability to justify things to himself. He was a cheater and IMO worse in his previous marriage and I still see the characteristics that allowed him to lie and justify that behavior and it really makes me nervous.
I ask him to share what is going on with him and all I ever hear about is work. I find out more by reading his email. Nothing bad. Just not sharing. He doesn't seem to be able to be supportive of me when I need it. Somehow he takes on the emotion and I end up supporting him.
I asked him why nothing seems to be changing and he first gets defensive and then angry and does things to deflect (like hitting himself on the head) and it is such a stupid and predictable pattern is am simply tired of it. I have pointed out that his response is the same whether he is being honest or lying so I have no idea what is real unless there are "tells" or other evidence to key me know one way or another. I am observant but that frustrates me because I shouldn't have to use my keen intelligence and amazing sense of perception to figure things out. ;-)
He does lie a lot less but that happened before he started therapy. The behavior that accompanied lying is still strong. I don't feel real improvement because of of it. It is like he is still a mm away from being dishonest.
He thinks that behavior is not an indication of anything. Maybe I just have a form of PTSD so it triggers me too much. But I don't think so.
I feel he is more married to himself than he is to me. That makes me feel like a f-buddy instead of a wife. And even there we have had a ton of issues that I had to drag him kicking and screaming to address. Much better in that area. It was a deal breaker for me so it was non-negotiable if he wanted to stay married.
I am starting to think he just doesn't want to do be an open man and that all of his "trying" is just a waste of time because of it.
Or, he is really incapable of hearing me and understanding why I feel so unhappy with his distance and the cycle he uses when I try to express my needs. When I finally get angry he gets angrier and we can't go any further.
Does he really not process or is he avoiding and passively showing me he has no intention of changing these things? He said he doesn't know how. He can never seem to remember the needs I have expressed to him. He wants me to tell him again. Yet he can function pretty darn well at work. He remembers things and pays attention to details. He does tend to get angry first but we have been talking about how to deal with things differently and he has really improved there. So why aren't I reaping that benefit in our marriage?
Sorry this is so long.
I love him a lot and I do appreciate that he has improved but the uphill battle has given me fatigue and I am having a really hard time being in a marriage that has no real depth. I feel like I am married to an emotionally stunted man or a guy who is basically selfish and who has no intention of being honest with me or himself.
I don't even know what I am looking for with this.
Maybe just a discussion about people who lack depth and everything while they can perceive emotions can't allow themselves to face them or share them. What causes this? Is it purely learned of might there be a cognitive deficiency? What kind of treatment might he benefit from -- might I benefit from!
I feel selfish but I want to see that ridiculous response disappear and for him to share all of his life with me. I am starting not to want to meet his needs so we are in a bit of a situation.
Last edited by clipclop2; 10-07-2013 at 02:06 PM.