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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 10-11-2013, 10:06 AM Thread Starter
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Worried its over.

Please excuse me for this long story, but I think if I explain everything I will get better advice. Okay, my husband and I have been together for 11 years. Since I was 13 and he was 16. We have 3 kids together the youngest being 2. Our marriage has had its ups and downs and my husband comes from a pretty broken home. His mom hated his father but stayed together because they have 7 kids, and his dad cheated on her constantly. So I cant help but wonder if that has something to do with my problems. But anyway here it goes. My husband who I will call Bill, had a great job from the age of 18 till he was 25. He advance in a company and continued to get raises and thought he was really going somewhere. We had a good relationship, he would always show me off to his friends say how pretty I was. Then he got laid off. He couldn't find work for over a year so he stayed home with the kids and I worked. After about a year, of him being cooped up in the house, he went to work for my dads company for which he is paid pretty well. We share one car, a nice one. But only because weve made such stupid financial decisions in our time, I thought it would be best to pay off one car before over extending ourselves with to many payments. He resents me for that, because he wants a nice truck so badly. Well about a year ago, I had a boss at my job who was extremely flirty with all the girls at work. He wasn't with me, he knew I wasn't interested because all I did was talk about my husband. Who by the way is beautiful. Everytime we go somewhere, women are staring at him. Anyhow, I made the mistake of telling my husband everything that goes on at my job. How my boss was sleeping with all the employees EVEN pregnant, married ones. So my husband naturally got upset, always wondering if he had to worry about me doing the same. It got to the point where EVERYDAY he was accusing me of cheating and saying things like go screw your boss, ooh your putting makeup on so you can look good for your boss. LUCKILY my boss quit, but it didn't stop there. He would message me on social networking sites, asking me to come work for him at his new place of employment. To me I saw nothing wrong with this because I WASNT attracted to him. But it caused huge problems. He finally faded out and left me alone. So after that my husband always thinks someones attracted to me. He doesn't want anyone to think im pretty. If I put makeup on before work he makes a comment, "whats that black stuff all over your eyes" or better yet he says I starve myself so I will lose weight and get more attention. The worst part is the dirty looks he gives me. He will literally stare at my body with a discusted look and say something like why does everyone want to f*** you. Its unbearable as it happens constantly. We have sex usually everyday, and if we skip a day, hes hounding me for it. I wil come home from work tired and sweaty and he is telling me to drop my panties and when I tell him NO he says "Oh its okay for everyone to want to f*** you but if I want to you get mad" "You get all dressed up for attention and when I give it to you, you get mad" Its literally making me so depressed. I feel like he hates me and I cant figure out why he is staying. I love him, I do. Because I know what kind of a man he is deep down and he is an AMAZING father. But this is just to much to bare. PLease someone help me with some advice

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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 10-15-2013, 03:09 PM
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Re: Worried its over.

Originally Posted by Amm0997
I feel like he hates me and I cant figure out why he is staying.
I don't think he hates you but he has some serious jealousy and control issues. He sounds like he would really like it if you stayed home and never left the house.

You all have been together since a young age, did he ever date anyone else? I ask because his comments are so immature, he sounds a lot like a kid that has never managed to grow up emotionally.

Same thing with respect to sex. It is not his right to have sex every day. Grown ups understand that sometimes you have to put off the fun stuff because the other person is not into it/tired/ect. And not make BS comments because he isn't getting what he wants.

He needs to come to the realization that he is married and a father, along with the responsibilities that come along with it. I am not sure how to get him to wake up, but he needs to. Is there some one he respects that could talk with him and he would listen?

Originally Posted by Amm0997
I love him, I do. Because I know what kind of a man he is deep down and he is an AMAZING father.
You can judge a man a lot by his actions. Deep down he may be good, but the surface is rough.
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 10-20-2013, 06:31 PM
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Re: Worried its over.

Originally Posted by Amm0997 View Post
Its literally making me so depressed. I feel like he hates me and I cant figure out why he is staying. I love him, I do. Because I know what kind of a man he is deep down and he is an AMAZING father. But this is just to much to bare.
Thanks for sharing some of your experiences with your husband. When you look at what you wrote above, you can begin to 'own' some of your feeling truths.

For example: You are depressed about the sexual accusations and other difficult behavior you are receiving from your husband. Depression usually shows up when there is 'sadness' and 'anger that is turned inwards.' So take some time to look at your sadness and where you may be angry about how your husband is treating you.

Breathe in, breathe out. Take some time for yourself to consider how you want to be spoken to and how you would like to begin to talk with your husband about your feelings of potential sadness and anger. You have to decide for yourself first how you want to be spoken to and treated, by anyone, not just your husband.

After careful consideration of your own truths, desires and needs, you can gently begin to create respectful 'boundaries' with your husband. You can start by simply letting him know that, "I do not like the way you're speaking to me. It is disrespectful and NOT OK with me any longer. I want to shift the way we make love. I don't like the word F*** and I don't ever want you to accuse me of having sex with anyone else ever again. I want us to be nice and respectful to each other. I want to be with the man I fell in love with 11 years ago. And, most importantly, I want to do this feeling-appreciation work with you, my dear husband. NOT against you and not against me." ...Obviously you'd use your own words and desires here.

This feeling work I speak of is work that you can do for yourself, by yourself, in preparation for any feeling work you then want to do with your husband. You get to redefine how you are in relationship with your husband, and then gently include him in on your process. Does that make sense to you?

Let me know how it starts to evolve for you. Let me know how you choose to go and what you choose to create with your husband. Remember: be patient, be kind and be honest about how you feel.
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