What are my Options
This year on June 23 I discovered that my wife was having an affair with one of her old colleagues. It was technology that brought it to my notice. My wife has an Iphone and we have an I pad at home. Apparently she has been sharing texts with the guy through her phone but these texts were getting replicated on the I Pad. I pad is a home machine, on June 23 I was on the I pad when one of the text pop ups came up. I was shocked to know that my wife had been seeing another man and slept with him on many occasions. What was even more disturbing was those chat messages I stumbled upon, in them they were discussing how who is good at what in bed amongst the two of them. The guy had sent to her his topless picture telling her how he has been working out in the gym to look good for her.
When I confronted my wife, she first took the I pad from me and deleted all the messages, then she took her I phone and deleted the messages in it. Once she was done deleting messages, she said yes it was a mistake we got closer (as in the other guy and her) but nothing happened. I was aghast as I had gone through the entire trail of texts. I told her that I have gone through all texts and she should rather come clean and own it. That day after saying that I stepped out of the house, she kept calling me as she was afraid that I might do something to myself. When I came home, she accepted that she had been physical with another man. She said she did it only once when I asked her when it happened; she said it happened recently in March, 2013. After many months I got to know from her that she did it first in September of 2010, something I got to know of, in June 2013.
After I accepted that this has indeed happened to me, I resolved to be thorough and clinical about working on our marriage. My main reason was my cute little 4 year old Daughter Riona. Walking out of the marriage would have been otherwise the easier thing to do but I kept telling myself that Riona has nothing to do with it and her childhood should not be bereft of a parent.
The first thing I chose to do was to look for counselors and I found one, seemed like a good one, as she was writing on marriage counseling issues in the leading newspapers.
The counselor in her 7th meeting with us made it clear to my wife that enough has been said and discussed about the fallout in our marriage and she should own the fact that her husband that is me has been a nice husband and a good man and what she indulged in was an affair a fling and nothing else. That day my wife broke down in front of the counselor. I guess it was just too tough for her to own her infidel ways without reasons she could have cited as a provocation for her to sleep with another man.
After all these months, it is still work in progress but what I found after some time was that the effort wasn't being put from her. There is nothing that she would say, nothing she would change about her conduct, nothing she would signify in her tone that would suggest to me that she was apologetic or perhaps some thing that could suggest that she wants to be with me.
All through this I started changing as a person, I became awfully quiet at the workplace and at home I would spend more time with TV or my daughter. A sense of rage and frustration started building up in me as she also would not take out time for us, even when she would be home she would spend most of her time on her phone chatting or on her business computer or on the TV.
One day in one of our business parties I saw a married man getting very close to a single woman after drinking, I hated that sight and called my wife talking and crying to her uncontrollably asking her why she cheated on me. It was a day of catharsis, something my counselor had warned me about, she told me it is necessary that I let out in some way or the other all the emotions I have been containing in myself or I will break down one day and these pent up emotions will come out. But I must mention that throughout this phase of my life I did not abuse my wife by calling out bad names to her or throwing and breaking stuff around her as that is something very uncharacteristic of me, something the counselor was attentive to and hence could see this coming.
After nearly 5 months of this whole thing breaking out I asked my wife yesterday that is it inevitable that we are not going to work out and if that is the case we should separate. I told her that I have loved her a lot and after this incident I am not able to find a way to love her in the same way. I told her we deserve to be happy and if she fell out of love and is finding it hard to rekindle things then we must give in and move on.
Here is what I wrote to her
"The curtains are down on our marriage. It canít be avoided and with every argument that we have, the inevitability of us separating keeps becoming stronger. The fact looms large in our faces that we have not been able to make any progress in repairing our marriage.
When I discovered your affair with another man. I tried to be strong, why, I guess because I knew itís the worst thing that can happen to a man, the inner competitiveness, the fighter in me, my spirit was quick to take over and guided me to be strong, to fight it out, to come out winning. But it didnít help; on the contrary I became bitter by the day and got filled with rage and anger.
Last evening was another instance when some of those bottled up emotions got vented out, and guess what it did not help, in no way it comforted me or made me feel lighter; on the contrary I hated myself for my behavior. When Gurpeet came in, I saw in you the happy, smiling and beautiful you again which was heartening to encounter. I realized I do not have in myself, any happiness to give to you. I also felt that we no longer enjoy each otherís presence; when we are together we are literally struggling, the air around us is heavy and stuffy, and we suffer from each otherís presence.
You would know this well that at some level I have a traditional outlook towards love and marriage and that very belief system has been shaken no, destroyed. Shalini, I have loved you the most in my life and now I am unable to get myself to love you the same way after knowing you fell out of love with me and found peace and solace in another manís arms. What I now hate and want to avoid is the hatred that I emanate towards you. I would rather leave us parting ways like adults and not make our story uglier.
In a month or 2, I will find myself another accommodation. They say sometimes, distance makes the hearts grow fonderÖ"
Her reply to that is mentioned below...
"Do think about our daughter before doing anything"
"And if you decide to leave then I would like to sell the house I don't see myself living there alone"
The question to God ( if there is one) and you is
What are my options???