Is Divorce the Answer? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-29-2013, 04:44 AM Thread Starter
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Is Divorce the Answer?

Hello, everyone. I'm new here and very glad to have found you all.
My problem is my in laws. From day one they never liked me, for 25 years have been two faced and fake. I have done everything to gain their love and acceptance and they still hate me for no reason.

I have 25 years of stories but will only tell you the latest.. the last straw.
Hubby works with them but recently became seriously ill and was in hospital for weeks with heart trouble... He got ill at work and they all called each other and went rushing to him... I was called last minute when they had no option but to ring the ambulance. I was a wreck. No support from them whatsoever. At the hospital I was made to feel like a complete outsider and not welcome at my husbands bedside. To top it I hear that they are saying he got ill because of ME !! Couldn't take no more and had a big row with his sister.. huge row.

They act like me and my kids don't exist.. they act like they own him. Problem is he laps it all up. Never stands up for me, he sees how hurt and broken I am yet he doesn't and won't say a word to them. They call him everyday and they talk as if nothings happened. I'm now wondering if Divorce is my answer. I shouldn't have to say this about myself but I'm a kind loving person but these people have made me bitter and sad and I don't like it. Is there any way I can change my husband and make him realise that he has to put a stop to this. He says it's because he works with them and doesn't want to fall out with them. I told him I don't want him to fall out... just to talk to them about all this. I really don't want to divorce over them but if he's fool enough to put them first.. what else can i do?

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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-29-2013, 06:20 AM
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Re: Is Divorce the Answer?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Petra24 View Post
Hello, everyone. I'm new here and very glad to have found you all.
My problem is my in laws. From day one they never liked me, for 25 years have been two faced and fake. I have done everything to gain their love and acceptance and they still hate me for no reason.

I have 25 years of stories but will only tell you the latest.. the last straw.
Hubby works with them but recently became seriously ill and was in hospital for weeks with heart trouble... He got ill at work and they all called each other and went rushing to him... I was called last minute when they had no option but to ring the ambulance. I was a wreck. No support from them whatsoever. At the hospital I was made to feel like a complete outsider and not welcome at my husbands bedside. To top it I hear that they are saying he got ill because of ME !! Couldn't take no more and had a big row with his sister.. huge row.

They act like me and my kids don't exist.. they act like they own him. Problem is he laps it all up. Never stands up for me, he sees how hurt and broken I am yet he doesn't and won't say a word to them. They call him everyday and they talk as if nothings happened. I'm now wondering if Divorce is my answer. I shouldn't have to say this about myself but I'm a kind loving person but these people have made me bitter and sad and I don't like it. Is there any way I can change my husband and make him realise that he has to put a stop to this. He says it's because he works with them and doesn't want to fall out with them. I told him I don't want him to fall out... just to talk to them about all this. I really don't want to divorce over them but if he's fool enough to put them first.. what else can i do?
Write down all your examples.
Call a family meeting or better yet, have your H call it so they actually show up.
Let your H know that you being allowed to do this and his compliance going forward is what will keep him married to you, anything less will not be tolerated.
Do not be hateful, but let them all know how it will be going forward.
I had to do this with my in laws years ago. I told them that that things either changed and they learned to mind their own business and stay out of my marriage or I would move the family and grand babies to another state. (they live minutes from us)
worked like a charm.
They will probably never like you, you can force them to respect your wishes or else.
Your H needs to get this, or you need to find a real man who wants to make his W happy.
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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-29-2013, 06:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is Divorce the Answer?

Thank you.. have had family meetings before and I dont get anywhere. Hubby just sits there feeling sorry for himself and doesnt say a word. I know that even if this latest mess is sorted they will still hate me. Now that im not speaking to them I get a sick feeling in my stomach when he sneaks off and calls them.. it almost feels like hes having an affair. Sorry if that sounds sick but its true. BTW my family totally love him.. oh if only I had an inch of that love from inlaws id be happy
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-29-2013, 06:45 AM
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Re: Is Divorce the Answer?

Petra, I understand completely. My husband and I have been together for 24 years and right from the start there were questions asked of me. I didn't fit into their family mold. I, like you tried, I was the one that welcomed them to our home, planned vacations that included them, always trying. I always felt on the outside. My husband made little contact with his family and so when they saw him they treated him like he was some hero or celebrity. There finally was a blow out and I finally disconnected after something like 15 years of marriage. I have no regrets to have removed myself. I no longer go to any family functions with these people and life has been much easier. My husband tried to get me back into the picture for awhile and I gave them one more chance. I told husband exactly what they were going to do and how they were going to treat me. I asked him to watch and be aware. I let him know that I would be warm and welcoming but if I was ignored and rejected yet again I would never have anything more to do with them. Well, they did just as I had told my husband and I was the receptive one. He has not bothered me since to keep in touch.

I too have often thought divorce would be easier but in time they except and you accept the situation and it makes things better.
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-30-2013, 03:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is Divorce the Answer?

Thanks AVR1962
Just wondering if your husband still went to family functions without you? It really hurts me when my husband does this but I never tell him not to go. Once he went to his brothers birthday without me, next day in the post was a thank you card, it said "Thank you for coming, your presence made my day complete". WTF, so me and the kids missing meant nothing. Anyway, that's minor to other things they've done. Cannot understand how they get pleasure from making me feel so sad and worthless. IMO, there's no better feeling than making someone happy.
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-30-2013, 09:38 AM
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Re: Is Divorce the Answer?

He only goes to reunions every few years. I do understand what you are feeling and what you have posted. You have reason for your feelings. I think what is hard for me is my husband is the type who wants everyone to love him and he does not rock the boat so his family can be rude and hateful and he will never approach them about it. It makes him look good to his family and because I refuse the chaos and don't eat their BS I am the baddy.
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-30-2013, 10:05 AM
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Re: Is Divorce the Answer?

The sad part about this is your supposed to be number one in his life and when his family makes you feel unwanted and treats you in a way that is disrespectful, your husband should be the first one to let them know that that sort of thing will not happen again and if they can't accept his wife and mother of his children, then they can't accept him. It's called having a back bone and it's obvious that he lacks one. There's no excuse for his behavior.
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 12-01-2013, 04:37 AM
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Re: Is Divorce the Answer?

How can you go 25 years?
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 12-06-2013, 06:45 PM
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Re: Is Divorce the Answer?

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Originally Posted by patrice84 View Post
How can you go 25 years?
that's what I'm wondering. Has it gotten worse in the last while? It must say something about how strong your relationship with your husband is to go this long. My x wife divorced me for little piddly reasons. It would have made more sense if she had a reason like this.
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-22-2014, 07:46 PM
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Re: Is Divorce the Answer?

I made it 21 years with a similar family. They can all have each other.

Soon the partriarch will die and the vultures can go over the will. Millions at stake and only 2 of 4 children talk to my soon to be ex MIL. Her own brother disowned her too.

Takes a lot of crazy to run off your own kids from millions.

Took my wife 20 years to decide she liked the millions more than me.


I've went from living and hoping I wouldn't die to being dead and wondering if I'll ever live again.
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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 10:28 PM
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Re: Is Divorce the Answer?

Quote:
Originally Posted by nogutsnoglory View Post
Write down all your examples.
Call a family meeting or better yet, have your H call it so they actually show up.
Let your H know that you being allowed to do this and his compliance going forward is what will keep him married to you, anything less will not be tolerated.
Do not be hateful, but let them all know how it will be going forward.
I had to do this with my in laws years ago. I told them that that things either changed and they learned to mind their own business and stay out of my marriage or I would move the family and grand babies to another state. (they live minutes from us)
worked like a charm.
They will probably never like you, you can force them to respect your wishes or else.
Your H needs to get this, or you need to find a real man who wants to make his W happy.
Oh, I'm not so sure about this idea. When cornered, they may just turn on you and lash out.

Your H must be on board and behind you 100 percent or this will make things very bad. At least I'm afraid it might.
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-24-2014, 12:26 PM
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Re: Is Divorce the Answer?

In my book spouses trump inlaws or even my own direct family. That's how important a good relationship with a spouse is to me. I've got your back, babe.........

Last edited by Betrayedone; 02-26-2014 at 07:26 PM.
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-24-2014, 12:38 PM
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Re: Is Divorce the Answer?

Is Divorce the Answer? No, it's the Question. The Answer is YES.

If your husband won't stand up for you, you don't really have a husband. If he agrees to counselling immediately to learn to dissociate from THAT family and focus on YOUR family, don't waste any more time. If he does agree to MC, set a time limit to see real changes, even if only in your own mind, rather than issue ultimatums before it's truly over.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-25-2014, 01:00 PM
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Re: Is Divorce the Answer?

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Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
Is Divorce the Answer? No, it's the Question. The Answer is YES.

If your husband won't stand up for you, you don't really have a husband. If he agrees to counselling immediately to learn to dissociate from THAT family and focus on YOUR family, don't waste any more time. If he does agree to MC, set a time limit to see real changes, even if only in your own mind, rather than issue ultimatums before it's truly over.
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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-27-2014, 10:04 AM
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Re: Is Divorce the Answer?

Yu know what?

He IS fool enough to put them first and if he doesn't want to change that - YES you should divorce him.

Life is WAY too short...
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