I cant stand my fiance of 11 years, PLEASE HELP! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-15-2013, 11:13 PM Thread Starter
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I cant stand my fiance of 11 years, PLEASE HELP!

First off, let me apologize that this post is going to be long for I have so much to vent about and no one to talk to that I feel truly understand so Im hoping to find others that have been through this and have advice for I am desperate..

I met my fiancé at the young age of 15 (he was 18). We started out friends and he was someone to lean on when my relationship at the time went bad. At just 16 years old we got together and 3 days shy of my 17th birthday I gave birth to our daughter who is now turning 10 in 2 weeks. However, 1 month before her birth he left me and became engaged to his ex which I found out later on. Obviously his relationship with his ex didn't go far and he was back trying to apologize which I stupidly took him back, I just had that picture perfect family in my mind at the time. Anyways, our relationship up until my daughter was 3 was a constant on again off again relationship, we both seen other people in between but I lived on my own and financially supported my daughter and myself on my own as well during them 3 years. We eventually got back together, he moved in with me and we been together ever since and we had our 2nd daughter when I was weeks away from turning 22 years old. We now have a 2 year old son as well.

I have always had things I hated about him such as his drinking. He was never an alcoholic but when he had a drink he had 10 drinks and whenever drunk he is a total *******. He would call me the most downgrading names, accuse me of sleeping with everyone, scream, punch things, threaten suicide, try to fight any guy in sight where it got to the point we could no longer go out anywhere together because he gets out of control and totally embarrassing. I called the cops on him one night because he broke out my house window and was trying to fight my stepdad and brother and being suicidal, I couldn't handle him so he spent the night in jail. After that I will say he almost never drinks but that's because I refuse to go out anywhere with him because I know he will drink if we do and Its too much. He complains we never go out and I have told him why we don't but yet he wont promise not to drink and if I ask him not to drink he gets hostile because he says he should be abe to drink occasionally. Not olny does this bother him, it bothers me as well. I am a stay at home mom of 3 kids who I love to death but I want to socialize with other people and get out of this house sometimes but I refuse to go out with him. We do go to dinner on occasion but never with other people.

I have a bestfriend that I have been friends with since I was 15 and she is the only friend I still talk to because I maybe get out of the house by myself 3-4 times a year and so I use that time to visit her and catch up. I also have to say she is my exes sister because that's part of our problem. Everytime I hang out with her I get accused of sleeping with my ex because yes my bff lives at her parents and so does her brother. I try to tell him my ex is not there 98% of the time I go out there and he knows how close I have always been to my bff, she lived with me for the 3 years me and him were on and off and I have never given him a reason not to trust me at all. I refuse to give up my time with my bff because he has trust issues. Is that wrong of me to hang out with her and at her house where my ex lives? She is the only friend I have anymore and she don't like to come to my house because just like the rest of my friends, he is rude and makes them feel uncomfortable at our house.

So besides trust and drinking another major problem is he LIES... He lies about anything and everything, half the time its stupid lil stuff like deer he shot (he is a hunter) stuff at work just dumb stuff but other times its about not having to work when he was surpassed to or spending money on hunting stuff or stupid things he don't need (we are very financially in the whole due to me being let go from work cause of migraines which I get unemployment because they illegally fired me when I was at the emergency room but it isn't much and him always between jobs or taking days off) he just lies about everything and not just to me to everyone. I will hear him on the phone telling his friends or mom total lies about work and stuff and it just bugs me bad. I never know when he is telling the truth about something because of the constant lies.

His idea of helping around the house is doing a load of dishes once or twice a week and cooking a meal once a week. I do all the household chores and 100% of taking care of the kids, I used to be a neat freak when I had just my 2 girls but after my son I have started to let things go. I have found I just don't have the time to make the house perfect and spend time with the children and so I chose my kids. My house is never disgusting but the laundry does get behind as well as the dishes and I don't walk behind my kids to pick up every toy on the floor anymore. I refuse to spend my kids childhoods cleaning every second and he hates that I have started letting things go. His mom is a total neat freak and always has been when they were growing up and so he is always comparing me to her. Says if she did it then I can do it to. He just don't understand and also don't wanna help out. He blames it on working, says he works everyday that he don't have time but his job isn't always full time. Some weeks yeah he will work 6 days a week and sometimes 60 hours but other weeks he might only work 3 days. During October 1-December 31 if he gets home from work by 3:00 he will leave to go hunting right away and doesn't get home till almost 7:00 and he hunts every sunday early morning and afternoon. I don't mind him hunting because he loves it and I never tell him he cant go or get mad but he don't take into account that would be time spent helping me around the house or helping with the kids or just family time.

He has very short tolerance for the kids, the second one starts crying or they are fighting he is yelling. He makes me feel like I don't do anything right and has totally killed my self esteem to the point Ive been on antidepressents for 3 years, I have tried going off them but I cant with him around. He left out of town for work a few months ago and was gone Monday-Friday and only home on the weekends for 5 weeks and it was the best time at our house. Me and the kids did fine without him, they could be kids and I didn't have to tip toe around him. Im ashamed to admit it but I was a happy person when he was gone and the weekend came for him to come back and the fighting, arguing, tip toeing started all over again.

I know he is bipolar, he could be happy one minute and fly of the handle the next, everyone that knows him well says the same thing including his own mother who barely gets along with him. I threatened to leave once if he did not get help and he finally got on a medication that was helping him, I mean he wasn't perfect but much more tolerable to be around, he took the meds for 3 months and when he went out of town he wasn't taking them and told me he was and now I cant get him to go back on them.

Please someone help me with some advice, any advice at all, I feel like I cant stand nothing he does or says anymore and don't even like being around him. Everything turns into a fight and right now my plan is to move to my parents with the kids after the holidays but if there is anything I can try that I may not have Im willing to do anything to keep our family together but will not if it is going to continue the way it is now. What would you do? Is our relationship salvageable? Anything more I could try to do? PLEASE, IM DESPERATE!!!!


Last edited by Luvmy3babies; 12-15-2013 at 11:29 PM.
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-15-2013, 11:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I cant stand my fiance of 11 years, PLEASE HELP!

Sorry about the bunching it into 1 paragraph, I guess I was just on a ranting rampage and wasn't thinking about it, lol. Thank you though for pointing that out and I hope its a little more readable now :-)
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-16-2013, 04:05 PM
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Re: I cant stand my fiance of 11 years, PLEASE HELP!

I have to agree with MissFroggie. Personally, I would end the relationship but, if you want to save it, I agree that IC and MC is the best possible answer.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-18-2013, 07:32 AM
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Re: I cant stand my fiance of 11 years, PLEASE HELP!

I'd kick him to the curb.
I'd get counseling for self and your children.


BEST predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

And if after 11 years and children you are still just a fiancé.....well.....
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