Is it I over-reacting? Honest opinions please - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-11-2014, 03:13 PM Thread Starter
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Is it I over-reacting? Honest opinions please

Help I don't really want a divorce but I also don't want to be in a marriage where the love, loyalty and commitment I show isn't reciprocated. When my hubby and I started dating he was single and unattached and so was I. Started off as friends, him pursuing me wanting more and me just not wanting to go there again after the bad marriage. Here's the catch he had a "lady" he previously "talked" to a couple of years before me. The story told was is it was never anything serious on his part, she tried to manipulate him into her religion with surprise attacks by church men, she was pushing for marriage, he would make a date and never show up (my hubby's sister told this) etc ..the way she showed up on the radar was immediately once we started seeing each other she decided she would start calling him but only on weekends when we'd be together, she made her a FB page and started messaging him (all this time she was in a relationship). I was assured it was her and not him, she was just crazy. Later I found out she would call and he would talk to her for long periods of time (of course I wasn't around...I was kept in the dark on this little tidbit) when I did find out I bowed out said handle your business. He came back to me we had a couple other issues always the same thing HER and each time I gracefully bowed out and each time within a few days sometimes hours he would contact me. Assure me it was all her blah blah. So we ended up married and here we are....the problem today is I don't think he has actually called, texted or contacted her but he seems to be mighty interested in stalking her FB page and that's my issue. Let me clarify I made no bones about it that if we were to be together all strings and contact would have to cease with her. I had one particular guy friend that he had a problem with and I blocked him on FB, blocked his number from my phone and told him I was in a relationship and although we were just friends since I was 14, out of respect for my hubby all contact would have to stop. I would expect the same consideration but he flat won't do it. So all I know is he seems to have to "keep up with her" by FB stalking and I don't know of anything else. When I bust him on it he gets mad at me like I've invaded his privacy, won't talk to me about it and when I tell him we need to correct b/c I'm too young to be miserable and too old to waste much time he doesn't seem to care or want to fix it. He is one of those that may be in the wrong but tries to turn it around on me. So am I over-reacting to this whole FB stalking thing? Should I ignore or stand up and see how it shakes out?? All opinions greatly appreciated and sorry I was long winded.

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-11-2014, 04:11 PM
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Re: Is it I over-reacting? Honest opinions please

Deactivate both accounts. Open up one as a couple. If there is nothing to hide he should want to do this. Personally Facebook is a waste of time and energy.

Stop complaining about what you don't have...start enjoying what you do have.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-13-2014, 04:01 PM
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Re: Is it I over-reacting? Honest opinions please

Start wondering aloud how your former guy friend is doing and maybe you need to get in touch to catch up.

Your husband doesn't have a leg to stand on, so he can't object.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-13-2014, 05:53 PM
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Re: Is it I over-reacting? Honest opinions please

IMO, you are not overreacting. He might not be taking any initiative in contacting her, or so he says, but then he he seems too interested to be innocent. Why is he letting her continue contacting him and even allow conversations to prolong for long times, and also stalk her FB?

And him not agreeing with cutting contacts seems even less innocent. If it does not mean a thing to him, then he would do it for the sake of your feelings. But honestly, I'm not sure if it would be a good sign even if you manage to make him cut contacts now - since he seems so unwilling for all this time, if he finally does it then he probably does it behind you.

Do you have kids? Honestly this is a huge red flag as he is not 100% into you and with you, and if this is not what you can tolerate then it's better to get out now. As you said, you're too young for not finding happiness and too old to waste time on this.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-14-2014, 03:34 PM
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Re: Is it I over-reacting? Honest opinions please

People have a curiosity to stalk people.. wonder how they are doing.. It's trust issue. I went through the same thing with my husband when we were first married, and looking back on it... I was so stupid... we had no other issues, we had no trust issues, we had a great relationship, so why did I ever invest the energy into fighting about someone he wasn't contacting nor did he want to have any type of relationship with. Only you know the true relationship you both have, so you need to decide if you are overreacting, or justified because he's not trustworthy.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-30-2014, 07:30 PM
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Re: Is it I over-reacting? Honest opinions please

I agree with Richie33. FB can and is a site that is not always health. He needs to stop and if he is doing nothing wrong then he shouldn't get mad at you.

"Every time I reform in one direction I go overboard in the other"- Mark Twain
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-01-2014, 09:31 AM
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Re: Is it I over-reacting? Honest opinions please

Facebook can be both a blessing and a curse.
Sometimes it's great to catch up with old pals.
Sometimes its unbearable to see people advertising their "perfect lives' when you know all about the rampant abuse and alcoholism that goes on.

Take it with a grain of salt...the size of an Ice Cube!

OP, confront him on this issue and ask him directly. Then reframe it as if you were doing it and ask him how he would feel.
Direct communication is your friend in this instance.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 11-23-2014, 03:02 PM
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Re: Is it I over-reacting? Honest opinions please

To me this is a red flag. This woman keeps reappearing in his life. And he has lied in the past. Seems like he is not willing to put you and your lives together first. When you are married it should just be the two of you and you both have to be comfortable. He doesn't sound concerned for your comfort. If no kids I would move on!
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-23-2014, 05:11 PM
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Re: Is it I over-reacting? Honest opinions please

Sounds like you're both being defensive.

It's hard to glean any kind of real story about what's going on from all this, but if he's still browsing her facebook page (by the way, how do you know? because it does sound like an invasion of privacy for you to check up on that) then he's still thinking about her. But that doesn't mean he wants to start anything.

Sometimes when you care about someone, even if you know they're no good for you, you want to help them. The way you've described the past situation (long phone conversations) implies to me that he cares about how she feels. In itself, I don't see a problem with that. I can't say whether it went further, or whether he wanted some kind of romantic or sexual relationship. She might have, but it isn't her intentions that matter—it's his.

My advice in pretty much every situation like this is to have a good talk, and try and ask questions in an honest attempt to understand. And try and word your sentences carefully so it's a safe conversation to have, and neither of you feels judged or un-cared-for. Pick a neutral environment, and try to assume the best of the situation throughout.
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