Wife has manipulated me for years? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 07-12-2014, 09:13 AM Thread Starter
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Wife has manipulated me for years?

Married 20+ years, and while we've managed some good times, its been a constant struggle for me.

1. For various reasons, we've slowly moved away from relationships with my side of the family. If I ever bring up the issue, she quickly points out how it was me who decided this or that...which is BS.
2. Went to a uncle's funeral where of course my family wanted to spend time with us...wife had predetermined we had an out by planning to work from home afterwards. Of course she never works that late....
3. I'm constantly interrogated where I'm defending my relationships at work. Even when I propose to help her with a new position in our company instead of inquiring about it I'm asked "how do you know these people", "how well do you know them"...they are females by the way (admin staff and project managers who know about upcoming opportunities).
4. This type thing has gone on for our entire marriage. I finally was close to calling it quits a few months ago, but couldn't stand the thought of my wife being hurt...
5. she admitted and also accepted the fact of having insecurities promised to get help. However 8 weeks later and she just flipped everything on me, and saying maybe I was the one who needed help, that it was normal for a spouse to "question" the other blah...blah...blah.


I love her, but I no longer have any friends. My relatives are not in my life and there's this constant reoccurring pattern where she attempts to put me in my place...lashing out at me for "not caring about her" and "not making her primary part of my life"...etc.

I need to be stronger and need help!

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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 07-12-2014, 09:20 AM
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Re: Wife has manipulated me for years?

What do you suppose is your wife's side to this? Has your family treated her poorly? Does she have any reason to be suspicious where female coworkers are concerned, based on your behavior? Have you been less than straightforward about anything?
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 07-12-2014, 09:25 AM
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Re: Wife has manipulated me for years?

Start slow.

Make plans to visit your family for an afternoon next weekend.

She can join you or not. If she joins you, let her know calmly and in advance that if she cuts the visit short for any reason, the next visit you will take two separate cars.



Quote:
Originally Posted by WithMuchBaggage2 View Post
Married 20+ years, and while we've managed some good times, its been a constant struggle for me.

1. For various reasons, we've slowly moved away from relationships with my side of the family. If I ever bring up the issue, she quickly points out how it was me who decided this or that...which is BS.
2. Went to a uncle's funeral where of course my family wanted to spend time with us...wife had predetermined we had an out by planning to work from home afterwards. Of course she never works that late....
3. I'm constantly interrogated where I'm defending my relationships at work. Even when I propose to help her with a new position in our company instead of inquiring about it I'm asked "how do you know these people", "how well do you know them"...they are females by the way (admin staff and project managers who know about upcoming opportunities).
4. This type thing has gone on for our entire marriage. I finally was close to calling it quits a few months ago, but couldn't stand the thought of my wife being hurt...
5. she admitted and also accepted the fact of having insecurities promised to get help. However 8 weeks later and she just flipped everything on me, and saying maybe I was the one who needed help, that it was normal for a spouse to "question" the other blah...blah...blah.


I love her, but I no longer have any friends. My relatives are not in my life and there's this constant reoccurring pattern where she attempts to put me in my place...lashing out at me for "not caring about her" and "not making her primary part of my life"...etc.

I need to be stronger and need help!
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 07-12-2014, 10:21 AM
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Re: Wife has manipulated me for years?

Friend your a grown man and when you let someone manipulate you like she's doing, it's you own doing.

You made a choice to give her total control over your life and now your trying to put the genie back in the bottle.

My advice to you is if you want to do something, like visit your family, then do it. If she doesn't want to go then let her stay home. No one has the right to dictate your life. Yes she's your wife but she still doesn't have the right to tell you what to do, when to do it and how to do it.

You do what you feel is best for you, within reason, and if she gets mad, just remember she has no problem hurting your feelings. She just needs to be told to back off and quit the bullying and let her know in a way that she understands that she's crossed the line far too many times and it stops now.
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 07-12-2014, 10:25 AM
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Re: Wife has manipulated me for years?

Go visit your family. Your wife doesn't have to go with you. Matter of fact if she's going to pick at you to leave too soon then don't give her the option.

Go out once in a while fishing or golfing or drinking. It's normal and healthy for partners to have a life of their own as well.

I'm as deep as a puddle. Holland.
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 07-12-2014, 10:29 AM
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Re: Wife has manipulated me for years?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 6301 View Post
You made a choice to give her total control over your life and now your trying to put the genie back in the bottle.
OP, here are the steps.
1. uncork bottle.
2. put genie in bottle.
3. cork bottle.

I'm as deep as a puddle. Holland.
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-08-2014, 11:40 AM
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Re: Wife has manipulated me for years?

Quote:
Originally Posted by WithMuchBaggage2 View Post
Married 20+ years, and while we've managed some good times, its been a constant struggle for me.

1. For various reasons, we've slowly moved away from relationships with my side of the family. If I ever bring up the issue, she quickly points out how it was me who decided this or that...which is BS.
2. Went to a uncle's funeral where of course my family wanted to spend time with us...wife had predetermined we had an out by planning to work from home afterwards. Of course she never works that late....
3. I'm constantly interrogated where I'm defending my relationships at work. Even when I propose to help her with a new position in our company instead of inquiring about it I'm asked "how do you know these people", "how well do you know them"...they are females by the way (admin staff and project managers who know about upcoming opportunities).
4. This type thing has gone on for our entire marriage. I finally was close to calling it quits a few months ago, but couldn't stand the thought of my wife being hurt...
5. she admitted and also accepted the fact of having insecurities promised to get help. However 8 weeks later and she just flipped everything on me, and saying maybe I was the one who needed help, that it was normal for a spouse to "question" the other blah...blah...blah.


I love her, but I no longer have any friends. My relatives are not in my life and there's this constant reoccurring pattern where she attempts to put me in my place...lashing out at me for "not caring about her" and "not making her primary part of my life"...etc.

I need to be stronger and need help!
It sounds to me like your wife has narcissistic personality disorder.
Pick up a copy of Lundy Bancrofts "Why Does He Do That?" Although written for women - I have no doubt you will relate.

I want to give you a hug... Everything you are feeling is valid. You are not crazy and its not your fault. Not only that, its nothing personal on her part.

Good luck on your journey towards becoming whole again.
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 06-14-2015, 08:17 PM
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Re: Wife has manipulated me for years?

Control and one person playing those games dont happen instantly, they start slow, pushing and poking the other, using little things, guilt for example to gain control. So before someone says your weak or not a man, understand that we men have been screwed up alot, told we have to be nice, not be so dominate, then we turn around and a narsisist has pushed us and we wake up seeing a prison of a relationship. Im easy going and been pushed and manipulated by a queen. Now Im looking at how to get rid of her and save my life and my kids. She is so good at the games, she even has herself convinced Im not even human. Im not allowed to have a view, or idea without being told Im ignorant. funny thing is, I figured it out and she is truly stupid, thinking any human would stay in this mess.

Get out. Let someone else deal with the mental issues, mental abuse and control games are to me worse than physical abuse. Bruises heal, not sure Ill ever trust again.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 06-14-2015, 08:49 PM
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Re: Wife has manipulated me for years?

Zombie thread
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 06-14-2015, 10:57 PM
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Re: Wife has manipulated me for years?

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Zombie thread
KILL IT!!!


'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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