Defeated? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 09-11-2014, 05:53 AM Thread Starter
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Defeated?

First off, I want to say THANK GOD I found a forum and not another “YahooAnswers” crap.  I don’t know where to start so I will try my best to narrow everything down. Get ready, this will be a long read.


Alright, so I am 26 years old and I have been married for 3 years as of yesterday (9-10-14). My wife and I own a home with three dachshunds. I work 3rd shift and she works 1st shift. I am the cook, cleaner, driver, assistant to my wife. I was born with cerebral palsy / scoliosis of the spine. At the beginning of the relationship, I laid everything out for her medically. She agreed. The first three years of our relationship I was on disability. I was removed from Social Security so I had to find a job and find one quick and I did. As time as gone on, I’ve pretty went from being very active outside to being inside 24-7. This is all in part due to my work schedule and my back problems. The last thing that is on my mind when I get home from work at 7 a.m. is cleaning. I don’t normally get into bed until around 10 am due to having to help my wife get ready (She’s not able to bend all the time due to surgery a couple months ago on HER back also.) and cooking her breakfast.

Anyways, for the past 3 years I have been very quiet about it but no matter what I attempt to do I am always disappointing her. Whether it’s not getting inside the house cleaned up, yard mowed, or pretty much anything maintenance. When this happens, she will resort to name calling + even at times has either doused me in water/soda or spit on me. After all is said and done, she will come back apologizing for what she did. I’ve always believed regardless of what happens, you never touch a female. After she apologizes, I forgive her and move on about my day.

She now has a new thing where she has it in her mind that I’m flirting with every single female at our workplace. With the night shift, I tend to walk whomever the female that’s on 2nd out to their car because of how dark it is. My wife has actually slipped on black ice while walking to her car during the winter time + have broke both of her feet while walking to her car. I have even asked the co-workers if they have a problem with it and they say no. The wife has heard of “how sweet I am” by walking them out. This riles her up for no reason. As much as I have seen my dad at a younger age cheat on my mom, that is one thing I am 110% against and would never do to my wife. I’m not doing this to attempt to make her jealous. This is just something I’ve been taught growing up.

One of my biggest pet peeves with this relationship is anytime that she ends up ticked off, she will take and call her mom and fill her in with what happened. After that occurs, she will take and continuously tell her how “Well, you know how to get out of it.” This does nothing to help the relationship. The wife never tells her anything that I have actually done good for her whether it’s helping her shave her legs, massage her back/legs, get groceries, fix dinner, etc etc.

It just seems like no matter what, only the negative parts of our relationship is what everyone sees when it shouldn’t be. I probably have left out some things but if I have, I’ll post them up. Gotta get off of here and get home.

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 09-11-2014, 07:04 AM
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Re: Defeated?

two words describe your wife's behavior

assault and abuse

you don't need to be beaten to be abused- being spat on, stuff like water thrown at you and verbally berated are all forms of abuse

the real question isn't what you can do to please her but rather what can you do to change your outlook towards why you aren't enforcing a boundary on ceasing that abuse

I suggest looking into codependcy and seeing a therapist

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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 09-16-2014, 04:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Defeated?

Well, both the wife and I ended up getting into another argument the other day after the initial post. Our house consists of an upstairs and downstairs, 3 bedrooms (Her crafts room, my room, and then our bedroom). Upstairs right now we have her crafts setup in the kitchen. I've left them their for her to do her stuff and get her mind off of work when she wants to. This turns into an argument because she will leave her materials strode throughout the kitchen and will leave it for me to clean up. When I confront her about this, she tends to get pissed and proceeds to call the mother in law to complain. This in turn ends up getting another argument added in with the MIL.

It all boils down once again to I'm working 3rd shift and I can't cook, clean, rest for a long time, and expect the house to be spotless. The thing that gets me is I fell for the "Well, my past relationship I did clean, cook..." bs. I don't care who is the breadwinner persay of the house because at the end of the day it's a 50/50 relationship; this isn't one of those.
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 09-16-2014, 11:58 AM
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Re: Defeated?

You two need to get into good marriage therapy. She needs to become aware of how dysfunctional her behaviors are, and I don't think she is going to figure it out from you telling her! Also, you and she may each benefit from some individual counseling, which the MC might recommend.

Working different shifts is a huge barrier in a marriage. You can't underestimate how difficult it is to have different schedules. If there is any way you can move to a daytime shift it will help (but perhaps not save) your marriage. I would make it a high priority, even if it means taking a cut in pay.
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