LonelyNLost

Hopefully from someone that's read the book or is familiar with her principles. I do agree with a lot of her ideas, but I feel like I as the optimistic spouse can do little after identifying with the themes. I would love to mark certain sections and share it with my H, but he's not open to that.

My real question is about the breaking of habits, and interrupting destructive patterns. The 180 she mentions, not exactly the same as the 180 we talk about on these forums, is about doing the opposite of what your spouse expects. It hit home with an example of a couple where the husband had a back injury and would lay around complaining about his pain and not getting up and finding a job. She was advised to stop encouraging him and telling him how great he was, and instead tell him that she's sorry she overestimated him, and that must have been the old him, and that she now realizes that this is how things are going to be. The woman did this, and the man turned around and stopped complaining and started taking action. It seems to go against common sense, but that's what this section of the book is about.

So, in my situation, where I'm always optimistic about us being able to get past our current predicament, that we can heal and be happy again, and my H is always doubting that. I know this would be a risky move, but what if I just said to him, "I've been thinking, and you might be right. There's just no way to get past this all, and we might as well give up right now." I'm seriously considering this. What do you think?

Without going into too much detail, I believe our versions of why we are where we are at right now would be vastly different. But my version is that he is being stubborn and putting other things before me and my feelings, which has made me into an insecure, desperate, whiny individual and he fears spending time with me because he's always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now he's run off to stay with his parents for a trial separation where he says he hopes we can communicate better and pull ourselves back together, but he isn't going to fill anyone with false hope until it's real.

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

Neil

Take out the "thinking" parts etc, and be strong about it (its almost the same as "manning up" but doing it female side...)

I would swap this with something along the lines of,

"whilst we have some difficulties here, I am no longer going to sit around a mooch about it all. Instead, I am going to have a little fun with *insert son's name here* and rediscover my happy self. If you want to join in with me at any point in that, let me know"...

What you will have achieved their is still saying to him, you are welcome to try and restore some fun between us as a family, but what you have also said is, I am not going to be sad, sitting on by backside, until you decide whether or not you want me.

Slightly different than saying, "your are right, lets forget it all"

LonelyNLost

Good advice. But I think for now, I'm not saying anything. Words don't mean anything to him right now, that's become more and more apparent. So I need actions. My actions have to show him that I'm not sitting around and pouting anymore. If he inquires, I'll give him your suggested response above. My kids can't suffer and they are suffering watching me suffer. Thanks for your help.

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

Neil

That's the hard part...

One thing is, you recognise what you need to do, thats a big step in itself. Be strong, and carry out what you state here.

Him seeing you strong, becoming happy and looking forward might be the jolt he needs. I mean he could eventually state that he see's you happy and doesn't want to "drag you back down". Thats the point when you state, the past is the past, i'm looking to the future, your welcome to be in it too.

Reading all your posts, he does love you, i am sure of it

Keep strong

LonelyNLost

Thank you. It means a lot. I need to print out these responses and paste them on my mirror so I see them everyday. I can do this!

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

peacefully

The 180 is a terrific way to manipulate your spouse through a form of reverse psychology.

It's the we want what we can't have kind of thing. The 180 makes him look at you with a different perspective, which makes you look like a new and dynamic woman.

It's good for an ego boost (if it works). However, it's still a manipulation.
The question is, do you want your spouse to want you for you, or for a projected image?
Be aware that you'd have to maintain the 180 indefinitely for it to hold it's power, and that leaves you emotionally isolated and in-authentic.

My two cents is: Be honest about where you are- be kind, but don't stroke his ego. Get yourself to the place personally that you want to be- start planning your life the way you want to see it and invite him to join you.

LonelyNLost

Right, and I don't see the 180 as something fake. It's me convincing myself that I can be okay with me, until I actually am okay with me. It's doing something different because everything I've tried hasn't worked. And in my specific situation, it's having a spouse that is so depressed that it's affecting our marriage and him having no motivation or forethought to recognize that and do something about it. So, really I'm looking to motivate him to act. I can't live in limbo. It isn't fair to any of us. I'm trying to hold our family together and I know that the past few months isn't representative of our marriage, but he's having a hard time seeing past the negativity. It's his nature. But he knows where I stand, and I'm not going to stand there forever. It isn't healthy for ME.

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

peacefully

I can really relate. I was married for many years to a man who was seriously depressed. I was co-dependent and enmeshed with him.

I tried everything and anything to "motivate him to change".
Something I realized was that I was using my behavior to try to get him to change his behavior...
In my situation I finally came to the painful conclusion that he was who he was and no amount of work on my end was going to change him, unless he wanted to change.
He didn't.
He wanted me to do the work and he wanted to maintain his way of being, his perspective and the status quo that he was used to.

The 180 might not be entirely fake, but it is "fake it till you make it". Just make sure that the faking it is in line with what you want in your life, not what you perceive he wants you to be.