I have to leave him - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-14-2014, 10:10 PM Thread Starter
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I have to leave him

I started to write a topic and I am unsure if it posted. A little background . I have been married 18 years. My husband would lose it once in awhile and hit me and verbally attack me and put me down. Most of the time he gave me a very special love that felt so good that I would put up with his very 3 to 5 month out burst.

we were best friends and attached at the hip. I became depressed and he lost it. Almost daily he is hitting , kicking or even choking me. He had never choked me in the past. Also as sad as this sounds I would forgive him for hurting me. Today is the first day that I have not forgiven him yet. He slapped me so hard that he hurt my neck. He also wrote me a sorry note which he has not said sorry now in 5 years but a few times, this sorry he gave me could be because I didn't say anything after he he slapped me. Use to I cry or tell him how he hurt me or go on with what we were fighting about, but this time I just sat in the car. The car is my place I spend a lot of time in I also sleep in my car when I am kicked out by or scared of him.

I feel like the nothing he tells and I for the life of can't leave him. This is sad to but he tells he doesn't respect me, he spent all of the money I got from a settlement that was to go to help me to get better, by telling me that I was controlling him and he would bully me for it. He keeps sex from me now. I need that to feel bonded but that is gone now. He calls me the ugliest of names and he tells me how lazy and crazy I am. When he does this I cry. I cry everyday. I cry so much that the corners of my mouth can not heal from being hydrated. He tells me things about the way I look. But dang if I will not jump at the chance of any type of affection from him.

I can't even think of how I can hold a job. I hate myself for all of this. The mental abuse has made me a nothing. The physical abuse are just throbbed reminders that I am a nothing because for some reason I am the loser that is staying with him. I want him to stop hurting me and I want a big hug from him and a huge sorry with a promise never to do anything like this to me again. I am trash for staying with him and I make it worse for myself because I loose control and and yell at him or look like a crazy lady to anyone saw me because I am so tired that I'll loose and yell at him all crazy like.

I get so lonely that I will lay down next him after he feels askeep. I can't help it. I have no more friends I stay away from my family because I can't look them in the eye due to my shame of being able not to leave him.

I need help. I really do. There is something wrong with me. I'm more scared to leave them than stay. This all my fault. Please someone help me to build my self esteem to leave and be safe. I know that it is going to be easy for people to say leave him, but I already know this. What do I do. How I leave a man that is doing this to me and yet I feel like I am betraying him right now for writing this.

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-15-2014, 10:10 AM
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Re: I have to leave him

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

I was in a abusive marriage for 6 years, I like you was scared to leave. But when he told me that one night when I was asleep he held a gun to my head, and said he wish he pulled the trigger but he decided not too because the bills needed paid.

That day was when I knew I better leave before he did kill me, it took me a couple of months to get money together without him being wise to it. I was scared, because I did not know what he would do to me. When I left my home I only took my clothes and personal things, the reason for this was because I felt the less I took it would keep him from bothering me, and it worked.

Got my divorce, and decided it was worth leaving it all behind to be out of that situation. It took me a while to not look over my shoulder and take a different way to my new place in case he was watching me, which he never did. I think he knew I would have in put in jail.

I'm not going to tell you to just leave, because I know it is not that easy. I will tell you that you will be surprised about how strong you really are, and you already know you need out of that mess. Only you can decide when you have had enough, and get out and move on with your life.But you do need to decide when enough is enough, and do you really want to be there. It sounds like the abuse has gotten worse.

What I did a lot was envision myself on my own,and not being hit on or walking on egg shells. I will not tell you it is easy but it is possible, it you really want out.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-15-2014, 07:43 PM
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Re: I have to leave him

I'm so sorry that you're here. I to do agree with Lostme, I wouldn't tell you to leave because I know myself how hard it is for you to make that decision. I was in a very abusive relationship with my first marriage, I literally had to run away from it because I was tired of the verbal abuse and physical abuse. It was hard to leave because I had two kids with this man. He was also a cheater on top of that.

Anyways, enough with my story. You deserve to be happy sweetie and you do deserve better. Think about your life and what u want to do. being verbally and physically abusive is not good for you at all. No woman deserves to be mistreated that way.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-15-2014, 07:54 PM
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Re: I have to leave him

"Sorry" would be sincere if he said it after the first and ONLY time.

I know it's tough to leave but it's only gonna get worse.

PLAN your escape to somewhere safe n secure or a shelter.
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-15-2014, 08:17 PM
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Re: I have to leave him

Agree with Flying. Don't ever feel that you're betraying your husband by doing this. If anything he is the one that betrayed you, by treating you that way. Not cool at all.
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-15-2014, 08:31 PM
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Re: I have to leave him

He is guilting you into staying because he like the power over you.

He hooks you enough for you not to leave.

We are also taught not to leave marriages and it should be for life, but if your not content and feeling safe, then you either have to leave, or change you or the situation around you.

Victims of abuse, are often pprogram to feel the fear of the unknown.

Please create an exit strategy, gather evidence, and get a restraining order.

Secretly record him for your safety, and send it to multiple people.

Detach and change your mindset by telling yourself you deserve better, that you should feel safe, that you deserve respect, and tell yourself that your strong, and no more, enough is enough.

Fear is a shell we put ourself in.

I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-15-2014, 11:31 PM
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Re: I have to leave him

o8Cin8o,

Do you have children? Or is it just you and your husband?

I am sorry that you are going through this. As you know all too well, the abuse drags you down until you don't even know who you are anymore. Now you just want to hide from the world.

Thinking of leaving him is too much for you right now. It's like if someone gave you a bucket and shovel and told you to move a mountain. You'd look at the mountain and that little bucket & shovel and say that there is no reason to even try because you could not dig out that mountain in one life time, or 10 life times.

Now if you had a plan, a team of engineers and some dynamite you could move that mountain.

So that's what you need to do. Stop beating up on yourself. Build a support group (your 'engineers'), get a plan and the dynamite will be the energy you get when you start to feel stronger.

Look for a center for domestic abuse near where you live. Call them and start counseling with them. Also see if they have a safe house that you can go to.

Do a good search on "domestic violence exit plan". Here's a link to one site. Find 2-3 sites and read up on their suggested plan and then make one that fits your situation.

Dr. Phil.com - Advice - An Exit Action Plan: Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Also search for "cycle of domestic violence". This is what abusers do, they are nice for a while, then they start with the abuse, then they apologize. And so the cycle goes.

Have you ever called the police on your husband? Do you have bruises, cuts, etc from him abuse?

Keep posting here for support. You can do this.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-17-2014, 09:23 PM
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Re: I have to leave him

You have a horrible marriage and its making you a depressed, scared, and worried person. You need to get out and then get some therapy to remake your life.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-18-2014, 09:51 PM
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Re: I have to leave him

I hope your doing okay.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-20-2014, 09:44 PM
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Hope your doing ok.

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-23-2014, 02:15 PM
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Re: I have to leave him

You aren't betraying him. This is NOT your fault. He betrayed you the very second he laid his hands on you. Please love yourself and leave him. He may not mean to but he could very seriously injure you or worse. Praying for your better future.
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