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post #16 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-01-2015, 11:43 AM
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

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My brother killed himself and devastated everyone in the family a few years back. It was very traumatizing. He practically raised me.

I know what I have to do...I'm just so tired of hurting inside. It's constant hurt. Constant emptiness. And dread...I dread his reaction when I tell him I want a divorce. It's not going to be pretty. I'm scared.
Are you seeing a therapist? It might help to talk things out. And Elegirl is right. You need a safety plan. I highly encourage you to connect with domestic violence resources in your area. It may help to see that it is possible to leave. I posted on another of your posts the number for the national domestic violence hotline. They would be able to connect you with resources if you are not sure where to start. Women do do this and live fulfilling lives afterwards. I know you are probably scared emotionally. It is also important to be aware of your physical safety. Leaving an abusive relationship is a very physically dangerous time so you definitely need a safety plan. Please contact your local domestic violence resources. They are trained to help and they may help you to feel less hopeless.

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post #17 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-02-2015, 01:30 PM
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

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Thank you so much for this! I'm sorry you've had so much sorrow. I'm moving forward with a plan on leaving him. Christmas was the most difficult to get through. I'm past that now and hopefully starting out the new year by changing my life.
So very glad to read this. If leaving is your best option then I wish you the strength and safety you need to accomplish this goal. And yes, Christmas is always a difficult time of year; Iím pleased that it has passed and you can now focus on your plan.

Ele gave great advice (as usual) and I agree with her that small, well-planned steps are best and creating a support team for yourself is paramount. I also have to reiterate that I strongly encourage you to discuss your meds with your health care provider regarding their efficacy (or lack thereof) and see if you canít find something (tweaking the dosage, titrating off of them, trying something else, etc.) that will help ameliorate the worst of your symptoms.

All the best to you and I hope this new year brings you health, happiness, and peace. Good luck!
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post #18 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-02-2015, 07:08 PM Thread Starter
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I wish I could turn off all my feelings.
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post #19 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-04-2015, 11:36 AM
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

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I wish I could turn off all my feelings.
Do you know much about mindfulness? They use it for mental illness treatment but it is also part of meditation and anyone can use it. It just means attention to the present moment - neither thinking of the future or the past. Whenever your mind wanders to either the past or the future, bring it back to the present. A book that changed my life is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. The entire book is basically talking about mindfulness.
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post #20 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-04-2015, 04:56 PM Thread Starter
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I wish I could turn off all my feelings.
Do you know much about mindfulness? They use it for mental illness treatment but it is also part of meditation and anyone can use it. It just means attention to the present moment - neither thinking of the future or the past. Whenever your mind wanders to either the past or the future, bring it back to the present. A book that changed my life is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. The entire book is basically talking about mindfulness.
I do practice mindfulness. It takes effort, I know. You have to constantly redirect yourself to the present. Lauren Ostrowski Fenton is a friend and life coach and I listen to all her videos on YouTube and she gets into mindfulness discussions in her videos a lot.
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post #21 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-05-2015, 08:02 PM
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

I was also in an isolating unhappy marriage and the stress of ending it and the afterwards is enormous so I know how you feel. I def agree with everyone who says take steps and make plans.

The feelings can be incredibly overwhelming so I would talk to your dr to see if maybe your dosage can be corrected. I am not the biggest fan of medication but I am on a low dose ssri to just stay positive enough to make it through the day

Practicing mindfulness and gratitude have both helped me a lot and were recommended by my therapist
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post #22 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-30-2015, 01:38 PM
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

I was just that way for a long time. I stayed with my husband way too long. But I hated it when he got home from work, I did everything myself anyway, I was more lonely and walked on egg shells then. I wish I would have left sooner.
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post #23 of 27 (permalink) Old 11-30-2015, 01:52 PM
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

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I'm on meds, they are not working real well.
What meds? SSRIs?
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post #24 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-09-2015, 02:17 AM
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

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Christ! I took a look at one of those links and it talked about assets we both have and that I need to go through and copy everything and calculate our net value...he has all that in his office! What am I supposed to do...ask him for it? He's always in his office. I have an idea but no clue really what all we have right now.
No.

What you are supposed to do is start taking _responsibility_ for yourself.

so what if he has a list. it is entirely possibly to have two.
except his list is his problem to deal with - but your list is your problem to deal with.

how much of the pain is from baggage that isn't actually yours? that only matters because it has importance to you and you don't want to put it down? You've been abandoned by others, and you're the only one who has been carrying this stuff - but it's not yours and the weight is actually killing you, but it is so important to you that putting it down will destroy who you are, what others meant to you, and make the effort and sacrifice you and your loved ones have gone forgotten... If you want to carry these things it is good, but you have to understand that it's _not_ you problem and you cannot solve or make it better - and the only way _you_ can get a better live and do honor to those memories is by taking on projects for you. your success and happiness will bring more meaning to your memories than being crushed and gutted by them.

To achieve this you can only take pride, and can only gain personal value and respect, from your own undertakings, from things you personal want and create in your life. Even when all you want is to step outside the world and let it go by, not be involved in it's crap, it's important to make small changes FOR YOU. walk to the end of the block. go to a place where there is people. there are usually support and old people activities going on in the community, attend just to talk to someone for 5 minutes, for no reason but you can do it.

As long as you carry other peoples' pain; and depend on someone else (like your husband) to carry you or who gets value controlling your life (and there very much are people who do that - like my ex-boyfriend). but as long as the living stuff is done by others, you will be unable to create happiness anywhere - but good news is, it can get better, and will get better, if you make it so.

Also when things are really bad - and I got to the point in my life where I literally could NOT get out of my bed - I had phone and had to call for help. But as one doctor eventually pointed out, the chemicals causing depression do ease off during the day, this is not a job you are responsible for, it is not something anyone can take from you, this is simply one gift from the Most High God (or Nature) that is designed into you. wait for a while and it will ease a bit. Look forward to that, even if like me, that was the only thing left to work with...
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post #25 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 12:45 PM
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

Just curious as this was posted a year ago at this time...

what the current status is? are you ok? feeling any better? I'm going to look and see if I see any threads from you and if you did divorce or not.

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post #26 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-04-2016, 04:40 PM
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

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Originally Posted by DayDream View Post
Christ! I took a look at one of those links and it talked about assets we both have and that I need to go through and copy everything and calculate our net value...he has all that in his office! What am I supposed to do...ask him for it? He's always in his office. I have an idea but no clue really what all we have right now.
What you might consider doing is hiring a Solicitor /lawyer who will be able to handle all of those problems and more besides on your behalf.
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post #27 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-23-2016, 11:29 AM
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

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I'm on meds, they are not working real well.
Then get them changed!

About that wanting to be dead stuff? Yeah. I know about that. It's horrible, isn't it?

Let's be here for one another, OK?
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