Christ! I took a look at one of those links and it talked about assets we both have and that I need to go through and copy everything and calculate our net value...he has all that in his office! What am I supposed to do...ask him for it? He's always in his office. I have an idea but no clue really what all we have right now.
What you are supposed to do is start taking _responsibility_ for yourself.
so what if he has a list. it is entirely possibly to have two.
except his list is his problem to deal with - but your list is your problem to deal with.
how much of the pain is from baggage that isn't actually yours? that only matters because it has importance to you and you don't want to put it down? You've been abandoned by others, and you're the only one who has been carrying this stuff - but it's not yours and the weight is actually killing you, but it is so important to you that putting it down will destroy who you are, what others meant to you, and make the effort and sacrifice you and your loved ones have gone forgotten... If you want to carry these things it is good, but you have to understand that it's _not_ you problem and you cannot solve or make it better - and the only way _you_ can get a better live and do honor to those memories is by taking on projects for you. your success and happiness will bring more meaning to your memories than being crushed and gutted by them.
To achieve this you can only take pride, and can only gain personal value and respect, from your own undertakings, from things you personal want and create in your life. Even when all you want is to step outside the world and let it go by, not be involved in it's crap, it's important to make small changes FOR YOU. walk to the end of the block. go to a place where there is people. there are usually support and old people activities going on in the community, attend just to talk to someone for 5 minutes, for no reason but you can do it.
As long as you carry other peoples' pain; and depend on someone else (like your husband) to carry you or who gets value controlling your life (and there very much are people who do that - like my ex-boyfriend). but as long as the living stuff is done by others, you will be unable to create happiness anywhere - but good news is, it can get better, and will get better, if you make it so.
Also when things are really bad - and I got to the point in my life where I literally could NOT get out of my bed - I had phone and had to call for help. But as one doctor eventually pointed out, the chemicals causing depression do ease off during the day, this is not a job you are responsible for, it is not something anyone can take from you, this is simply one gift from the Most High God (or Nature) that is designed into you. wait for a while and it will ease a bit. Look forward to that, even if like me, that was the only thing left to work with...