Re: I just want to die sometimes.
DayDream, I don’t know the details of your marriage or why you now find yourself backed into a corner and desperate for escape, but I just wanted to say I’m very sorry that you feel so alone, scared, and sad. Reading this thread breaks my heart. I can’t know the exact misery you suffer since depression is universally devastating while the pain experienced is very much that isolated individual’s personal nightmare, but I wanted to offer you comfort and commiseration from my own little corner of hell.
For what it’s worth, if even very little, I’m there with you, my friend, in shared sorrow, torment, and inertia. I feel so very deeply for you in your trap even as I struggle in my own and like you, I contemplate daily the damage of chewing my leg off to be free vs staying still hoping the pain will pass, all the while knowing the longer I stay…the worse it will become. Yet here I remain.
And you have my deepest most heartfelt condolences on the loss of your brother. I too have lost someone I love to suicide; I know the anguish and grief that forever changes you and never lets you be. It was long ago for me now and I know the passage of time is the only thing that lessens the intensity and immediacy of the despair, but it never truly goes away. People always said in time I would recover, that the grief would pass…and one day it might, but for now…I’m still waiting.
And I’ve also fallen prey to the delusional false hope and sick comfort of suicidal ideation. I attempted unsuccessfully once in my teens and then after my first love committed suicide, I passed many desperate lonely nights with a loaded gun in my hand willing myself to follow. I even went so far as to put it in my mouth, finger on the trigger, praying for the strength to just end all of the heart-rending pain and torment, but I just couldn’t. I still can’t. Something in me just won’t give in. I don’t know how to do anything other than survive. And I pray that you do as well.
I very strongly encourage you to talk with your mental health provider regarding your medications. Some antidepressants might increase the risk of suicidality (especially in the young) and you should really be under medical/psychiatric care while starting, stopping, increasing any of these meds. And you need to discuss the fact that what you are currently taking doesn’t seem to be helping you. I don’t know how old you are, how long you have been taking them, what you are taking, etc., but I sincerely hope you find the right chemical c0cktail to help pull you through. Better living through chemistry, my friend.
You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you continue posting with your progress or simply updating/venting so that we know you are, if not okay, at least surviving. Godspeed.