I just want to die sometimes. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-27-2014, 07:20 PM Thread Starter
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I just want to die sometimes.

I'm so lonely. I miss my mom terribly. I want a divorce but don't know how to tell him. I don't want to be home anymore. I'm miserable. Yet something keeps me from acting on it. Something keeps me from leaving. I feel so alone. I think about dying and ending this constant pain all the time. But I know I don't really want to...I just want the pain to stop. I could never do to my kids what my brother did to us!

I feel as if doors keep getting shut in my face...corralling me to some unknown scariness that I'm drifting toward. I'm starting to feel like a trapped animal. Backed into a corner.

I want to leave. What is stopping me???

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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-27-2014, 07:33 PM
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

What did your brother do to you?

What is stopping you? Your are looking at a mountain (leaving) but it's too big to move in one fell swoop. I mean, come on, who could pick up an entire mountain? Not even Paul Bunyan.

What you need to a plan to move that mountain. Get a bucket (BIG BUCKET) and a shovel, enlist some people to help you and work together to move that mountain one bucket at a time.

What I mean is that when you think of leaving it's overwhelming.

So make a plan. Then put together a support team to help you.What are the steps you need to go through to leave and move on in your life?

Write out the list. Then forget about the big thing.. "LEAVING". Instead work the plan, one step at a time
A quick search on google "plan for leaving an abusive relationship" and "plan for leaving marriage" turned up a lot of info. Here are just a few of them.


Thinking Of Walking Out On Your Marriage Do This First

Dr. Phil.com - Advice - An Exit Action Plan: Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Safety Planning for Leaving an Abusive Relationship¬*|¬*Avital Zeisler

So the first step of your plan, is to write out your plan.

Do it now because you have the time. if you want to share it on here do so and we can all help you refine it.

Once you have the plan just work one or more steps a day. And one day you will reach the last item on the list... walk out and never come back. but it will just be one small step... the rest of the mountain will have already been moved.


A quick google search for
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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-28-2014, 05:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
What did your brother do to you?

What is stopping you? Your are looking at a mountain (leaving) but it's too big to move in one fell swoop. I mean, come on, who could pick up an entire mountain? Not even Paul Bunyan.

What you need to a plan to move that mountain. Get a bucket (BIG BUCKET) and a shovel, enlist some people to help you and work together to move that mountain one bucket at a time.

What I mean is that when you think of leaving it's overwhelming.

So make a plan. Then put together a support team to help you.What are the steps you need to go through to leave and move on in your life?

Write out the list. Then forget about the big thing.. "LEAVING". Instead work the plan, one step at a time
A quick search on google "plan for leaving an abusive relationship" and "plan for leaving marriage" turned up a lot of info. Here are just a few of them.


Thinking Of Walking Out On Your Marriage Do This First

Dr. Phil.com - Advice - An Exit Action Plan: Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Safety Planning for Leaving an Abusive Relationship¬*|¬*Avital Zeisler

So the first step of your plan, is to write out your plan.

Do it now because you have the time. if you want to share it on here do so and we can all help you refine it.

Once you have the plan just work one or more steps a day. And one day you will reach the last item on the list... walk out and never come back. but it will just be one small step... the rest of the mountain will have already been moved.


A quick google search for
My brother killed himself and devastated everyone in the family a few years back. It was very traumatizing. He practically raised me.

I know what I have to do...I'm just so tired of hurting inside. It's constant hurt. Constant emptiness. And dread...I dread his reaction when I tell him I want a divorce. It's not going to be pretty. I'm scared.
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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-28-2014, 07:06 AM
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

Guilt. I think there is some correlation between your husband and your brother. You couldn't save your brother and you saw the devastated affects it had in your family's life. You think that your husband is just as unstable. So your sacrificing yourself to stop an event your not sure about. You feel responsible for your husband, and I think you taken more of a mother role with him.

You have to realize that it is not your fault for your husband's disfunction. You are not the cause. Only he can save himself, and he cannot use you as a crutch forever. You need to end this unhealthy codependent relationship. You should make you a priority. Btw, your being emotionally blackmailed, and also he is responsible for his own health.

I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!

Last edited by Mr.Fisty; 12-28-2014 at 07:11 AM.
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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-28-2014, 10:56 AM
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

DayDream-

I really feel you...

I lost both of my brothers about 10 years ago, my dad several years before that and my mom when I was 13. My sister and I are the only ones left...

My wife is my best friend of 22 years. Sometimes I feel that I don't have a friend in the world except her, and yet we don't have any romantic love... Some days I hate to be in the same room as her. It just feels cold..

I am scared as well.

I am not a religious man, but I know we all have purpose. These bad feelings will pass. It will get better...that's what keeps me going as well as my daughter...


Elegirl had good advice.. Develop your exit strategy... Develop friendships for support, and find some hobby's that helps you meet other people...


BTW, one of my brothers killed himself as well and the other was the one who kept us all together...That was 10 years ago and I still think of him all the time.

It does hurt less over time.
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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-28-2014, 02:15 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Trickster View Post
DayDream-

I really feel you...

I lost both of my brothers about 10 years ago, my dad several years before that and my mom when I was 13. My sister and I are the only ones left...

My wife is my best friend of 22 years. Sometimes I feel that I don't have a friend in the world except her, and yet we don't have any romantic love... Some days I hate to be in the same room as her. It just feels cold..

I am scared as well.

I am not a religious man, but I know we all have purpose. These bad feelings will pass. It will get better...that's what keeps me going as well as my daughter...


Elegirl had good advice.. Develop your exit strategy... Develop friendships for support, and find some hobby's that helps you meet other people...


BTW, one of my brothers killed himself as well and the other was the one who kept us all together...That was 10 years ago and I still think of him all the time.

It does hurt less over time.
Wow. Thank you! I don't really know what so say. I'm so sorry you've had so much pain!

I need to make some friends. Working on it. I've isolated myself in this marriage for years...too uncomfortable to have friends over or go anywhere. Too depressed really. I'm making an effort now.

Right this very minute I am freaking. Panicking. I just can't stop thinking about my own place and especially thinking about telling him. I'm so scared. I feel like a bad person...a bad wife. I feel horrible about myself.
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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-28-2014, 06:59 PM
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

For 22 some years, I allowed my wife to be everything to me. That was on me....I also slowed my wife to be totally dependent on me. We are both responsible for the position we are in....

You shouldn't feel horrible about yourself.

Are you scared of hurting him?

He has to know you are depressed, unless he is just oblivious...

Do you feel it will come as a shock if you tell your husband to want to separate?
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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-28-2014, 07:22 PM Thread Starter
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He will behave like he is shocked. But this has been a long time coming and I've been very clear to him on what I'm unhappy with. It's just this past couple years I gave up and don't care anymore, so we don't fight.

I mean...he read everything that was wrong in my journals/diary. It's always something wrong with me...never him. I'm just a nut bag who is lucky he puts up with me and I should be thanking my lucky stars he is still here. That's what he acts like.

Last edited by DayDream; 12-28-2014 at 07:24 PM.
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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-30-2014, 12:26 AM
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DayDream View Post
He will behave like he is shocked. But this has been a long time coming and I've been very clear to him on what I'm unhappy with. It's just this past couple years I gave up and don't care anymore, so we don't fight.

I mean...he read everything that was wrong in my journals/diary. It's always something wrong with me...never him. I'm just a nut bag who is lucky he puts up with me and I should be thanking my lucky stars he is still here. That's what he acts like.
I'm sorry you have to go through all that DayDream I'm kind of having the same problem with my hubby.
I'm getting counselling and I want to leave him. resentlly I have started taking care of me and making me happy and now he wants to have another child I told him no and then hours later he wanted to talk and then snapped for nothing he smashed the bed side lamp (light) I'm guessing it was because I said no to having another child with him.

You can't always be wrong this tells me he doesn't want to accept when he is wrong, someone else has to take the blame in tis case its you.
Plan accordingly how you will leave once you have decided.leave! he will cry and apologise and tell you how he wants to change dont fall for it. Be firm and do not feel bad.
Most of all listen to what your heart tells you..
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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-30-2014, 08:58 AM
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DayDream View Post
I'm so lonely. I miss my mom terribly. I want a divorce but don't know how to tell him. I don't want to be home anymore. I'm miserable. Yet something keeps me from acting on it. Something keeps me from leaving. I feel so alone. I think about dying and ending this constant pain all the time. But I know I don't really want to...I just want the pain to stop. ...
People do not write this stuff lightly, not even if they think this have. I went to a doctor, even though I felt ridiculous and had another excuse to go.

The medical literature recommends yoga and meditation, try that.

Whatever else is happening in your life, this pain is more than you should have to bear, but there is a better way of living.

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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-30-2014, 11:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
What did your brother do to you?

What is stopping you? Your are looking at a mountain (leaving) but it's too big to move in one fell swoop. I mean, come on, who could pick up an entire mountain? Not even Paul Bunyan.

What you need to a plan to move that mountain. Get a bucket (BIG BUCKET) and a shovel, enlist some people to help you and work together to move that mountain one bucket at a time.

What I mean is that when you think of leaving it's overwhelming.

So make a plan. Then put together a support team to help you.What are the steps you need to go through to leave and move on in your life?

Write out the list. Then forget about the big thing.. "LEAVING". Instead work the plan, one step at a time
A quick search on google "plan for leaving an abusive relationship" and "plan for leaving marriage" turned up a lot of info. Here are just a few of them.


Thinking Of Walking Out On Your Marriage Do This First

Dr. Phil.com - Advice - An Exit Action Plan: Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Safety Planning for Leaving an Abusive Relationship¬*|¬*Avital Zeisler

So the first step of your plan, is to write out your plan.

Do it now because you have the time. if you want to share it on here do so and we can all help you refine it.

Once you have the plan just work one or more steps a day. And one day you will reach the last item on the list... walk out and never come back. but it will just be one small step... the rest of the mountain will have already been moved.


A quick google search for
Christ! I took a look at one of those links and it talked about assets we both have and that I need to go through and copy everything and calculate our net value...he has all that in his office! What am I supposed to do...ask him for it? He's always in his office. I have an idea but no clue really what all we have right now.
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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-30-2014, 11:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

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Originally Posted by WifeyRes View Post
I'm sorry you have to go through all that DayDream I'm kind of having the same problem with my hubby.
I'm getting counselling and I want to leave him. resentlly I have started taking care of me and making me happy and now he wants to have another child I told him no and then hours later he wanted to talk and then snapped for nothing he smashed the bed side lamp (light) I'm guessing it was because I said no to having another child with him.

You can't always be wrong this tells me he doesn't want to accept when he is wrong, someone else has to take the blame in tis case its you.
Plan accordingly how you will leave once you have decided.leave! he will cry and apologise and tell you how he wants to change dont fall for it. Be firm and do not feel bad.
Most of all listen to what your heart tells you..
My heart tells me "LEAVE HIM!!!!!"
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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-30-2014, 11:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr The Other View Post
People do not write this stuff lightly, not even if they think this have. I went to a doctor, even though I felt ridiculous and had another excuse to go.

The medical literature recommends yoga and meditation, try that.

Whatever else is happening in your life, this pain is more than you should have to bear, but there is a better way of living.
I'm on meds, they are not working real well.
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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 12-30-2014, 04:26 PM
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Re: I just want to die sometimes.

DayDream, I donít know the details of your marriage or why you now find yourself backed into a corner and desperate for escape, but I just wanted to say Iím very sorry that you feel so alone, scared, and sad. Reading this thread breaks my heart. I canít know the exact misery you suffer since depression is universally devastating while the pain experienced is very much that isolated individualís personal nightmare, but I wanted to offer you comfort and commiseration from my own little corner of hell.

For what itís worth, if even very little, Iím there with you, my friend, in shared sorrow, torment, and inertia. I feel so very deeply for you in your trap even as I struggle in my own and like you, I contemplate daily the damage of chewing my leg off to be free vs staying still hoping the pain will pass, all the while knowing the longer I stayÖthe worse it will become. Yet here I remain.

And you have my deepest most heartfelt condolences on the loss of your brother. I too have lost someone I love to suicide; I know the anguish and grief that forever changes you and never lets you be. It was long ago for me now and I know the passage of time is the only thing that lessens the intensity and immediacy of the despair, but it never truly goes away. People always said in time I would recover, that the grief would passÖand one day it might, but for nowÖIím still waiting.

And Iíve also fallen prey to the delusional false hope and sick comfort of suicidal ideation. I attempted unsuccessfully once in my teens and then after my first love committed suicide, I passed many desperate lonely nights with a loaded gun in my hand willing myself to follow. I even went so far as to put it in my mouth, finger on the trigger, praying for the strength to just end all of the heart-rending pain and torment, but I just couldnít. I still canít. Something in me just wonít give in. I donít know how to do anything other than survive. And I pray that you do as well.

I very strongly encourage you to talk with your mental health provider regarding your medications. Some antidepressants might increase the risk of suicidality (especially in the young) and you should really be under medical/psychiatric care while starting, stopping, increasing any of these meds. And you need to discuss the fact that what you are currently taking doesnít seem to be helping you. I donít know how old you are, how long you have been taking them, what you are taking, etc., but I sincerely hope you find the right chemical c0cktail to help pull you through. Better living through chemistry, my friend.

You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you continue posting with your progress or simply updating/venting so that we know you are, if not okay, at least surviving. Godspeed.
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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-01-2015, 10:18 AM Thread Starter
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DayDream, I don?t know the details of your marriage or why you now find yourself backed into a corner and desperate for escape, but I just wanted to say I?m very sorry that you feel so alone, scared, and sad. Reading this thread breaks my heart. I can?t know the exact misery you suffer since depression is universally devastating while the pain experienced is very much that isolated individual?s personal nightmare, but I wanted to offer you comfort and commiseration from my own little corner of hell.

For what it?s worth, if even very little, I?m there with you, my friend, in shared sorrow, torment, and inertia. I feel so very deeply for you in your trap even as I struggle in my own and like you, I contemplate daily the damage of chewing my leg off to be free vs staying still hoping the pain will pass, all the while knowing the longer I stay?the worse it will become. Yet here I remain.

And you have my deepest most heartfelt condolences on the loss of your brother. I too have lost someone I love to suicide; I know the anguish and grief that forever changes you and never lets you be. It was long ago for me now and I know the passage of time is the only thing that lessens the intensity and immediacy of the despair, but it never truly goes away. People always said in time I would recover, that the grief would pass?and one day it might, but for now?I?m still waiting.

And I?ve also fallen prey to the delusional false hope and sick comfort of suicidal ideation. I attempted unsuccessfully once in my teens and then after my first love committed suicide, I passed many desperate lonely nights with a loaded gun in my hand willing myself to follow. I even went so far as to put it in my mouth, finger on the trigger, praying for the strength to just end all of the heart-rending pain and torment, but I just couldn?t. I still can?t. Something in me just won?t give in. I don?t know how to do anything other than survive. And I pray that you do as well.

I very strongly encourage you to talk with your mental health provider regarding your medications. Some antidepressants might increase the risk of suicidality (especially in the young) and you should really be under medical/psychiatric care while starting, stopping, increasing any of these meds. And you need to discuss the fact that what you are currently taking doesn?t seem to be helping you. I don?t know how old you are, how long you have been taking them, what you are taking, etc., but I sincerely hope you find the right chemical c0cktail to help pull you through. Better living through chemistry, my friend.

You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you continue posting with your progress or simply updating/venting so that we know you are, if not okay, at least surviving. Godspeed.
Thank you so much for this! I'm sorry you've had so much sorrow. I'm moving forward with a plan on leaving him. Christmas was the most difficult to get through. I'm past that now and hopefully starting out the new year by changing my life.
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