I am worried I might become violent towards my wife - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 06:30 AM Thread Starter
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Exclamation I am worried I might become violent towards my wife

I have been married for little over a year now but been together for the past five years. We have had our ups and downs but we always try and find a way to work things out. But 3 days ago we had an argument that we solved and started another one.
The second argument was about me giving my mother the car we use on her mother's birthday (which was more than a month ago) and she had planned a surprise dinner. Before I gave my mother the car I had made plans to have another car and ensured that it was delivered. On the day of the dinner, the car second car had mechanical issues but I was able to get everything sorted out in time for the dinner. In my opinion I felt that I had come through for her. My wife started telling me how I shouldn't have given my mother the car and I responded by telling her that before I gave the car, I had made arrangements and even gotten the another car. Tempers flared and she told me to shut up. I don't like being told to shut up and I stood up and tried to leave the house. She said something that I didn't hear but assumed was an insult and turned to her and started talking back at her. My wife realized I was really upset and tried to get away and I grabbed her arm and shoved her across the room. I will never forget the look in her eyes. She was frightened.
I have since apologized for my actions and talked to her about it and promised it will never happen again. She is still frightened by my what I did. I don't know why I did it. I have not been able to think of anything else since that day and I can't get over it. I have always thought of myself as a man who would never cause physical harm to a woman no matter the situation. My actions on that day have got me wondering what if that is a precursor to me assaulting my wife. Is there a way I can deal with this issue and make sure it never happens again?
Any and all comments are welcome

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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 07:30 AM
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Re: I am worried I might become violent towards my wife

Um, she should be afraid of you. These things usually escalate. You need counseling, and she should probably get counseling as well. Learn how to handle anger, frustration, and conflict.

Never let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present.
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 08:44 AM
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Re: I am worried I might become violent towards my wife

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Um, she should be afraid of you. These things usually escalate. You need counseling, and she should probably get counseling as well. Learn how to handle anger, frustration, and conflict.

I agree, get into anger management therapy now before things get worse and you end up being ordered into it by a judge. A domestic violence charge will trash your life.
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 10:22 AM
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Re: I am worried I might become violent towards my wife

Take a gander at this thread to understand the seriousness of what you are being told.

What you did is abusive. She could report you now and have you arrested and in court. It's just as bad as a full on beating. Some will disagree with me, but most physical wounds heal. The psychological impact when comparing what you did to a full on beating is the same.

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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 04:18 PM
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Re: I am worried I might become violent towards my wife

Your wife also needs to stop baiting you.

She knows how to push your buttons.

Maybe that shove will open up her eyes and she'll think twice before she triggers you again.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 04:56 PM
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Re: I am worried I might become violent towards my wife

Your wife has a smart mouth and likes to push your buttons. It's how she feels like she's in control: cut down or insult your husband when you don't get what you want. She learned it from her mom most likely.

Go low profile and get some counseling for yourself to learn techniques on how to deal with her when she gets verbally abusive. I guarantee she won't get counseling for herself. Snots like her don't think they are doing anything wrong, so if you cannot take her behavior you may need to make some tough choices.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 06:13 PM
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Re: I am worried I might become violent towards my wife

Good lord, I don't care how obnoxious somebody's mouth is. You never touch another living being when you are angry. You are in control of only yourself. If somebody is a snot, or has a big mouth divorce them.. Don't assault them. 😡

Never let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present.
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 06:32 PM
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Re: I am worried I might become violent towards my wife

Get into anger management, this needs to be controlled, they can help you control it. Anger is natural and perfectly OK to express, but what is not OK is how you expressed it. You do have a choice how to express your emotions! This reaction is not something you chose, find out how to manage your reactions in a way you would choose.

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I had to take anger management because of an incident that happened in a club sport when I was 16. My problem was with how I managed adrenaline, what I learned from the classes not only helped me become a much better rugby player, it shaped me into a better employee, student, and even father/caregiver.

Last edited by gouge_away; 06-09-2015 at 06:37 PM.
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 07:24 PM
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Re: I am worried I might become violent towards my wife

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Originally Posted by Lukadosi View Post
Is there a way I can deal with this issue and make sure it never happens again?
Any and all comments are welcome
Anger management classes and maybe individual counseling. Also, maybe some marriage counseling as well. Of course, after you work on your anger issues first.

What you did was wrong, no matter how little or how much baiting was involved.
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-15-2015, 03:53 PM
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Re: I am worried I might become violent towards my wife

I agree with you Lukadosi, if you’re feeling guilty over the abusive reaction and wanting to make sure it doesn’t happen again that’s the first step to correcting it. Anger management might be the right thing for you, that’s for the both of you to decide. She doesn’t feel safe with you right now and she may need to forgive you for the action as well due to anger, bitterness or resentment towards you and/or the action.

Spend some time reminiscing about what happened and answering the question, “Why did what she said trigger you?” My guess is something from your past caused you to react the way you did. Whatever it is this is what you need to share and discuss with your wife. If she is aware of the trigger and knows why it triggers you which caused a physical response she is more likely not to do it again and usually begins building trust in the relationship again. Knowing each other’s triggers in a relationship is part of learning how to fight fair in an argument. If you love somebody, why would you want to purposely push their buttons (triggers) if you know what they are and how they will respond, normally in a negative way causing further damage in the relationship?

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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-16-2015, 06:31 AM
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Re: I am worried I might become violent towards my wife

Taking full responsibility is key, and not blaming her in any way for your actions. Your abusive behaviour is on you.

Would you do this in front of others? Would you do it to a work colleague you disagreed with? If not you don't have an anger management problem or a short fuse, you did it because you could.

Find someone who really knows how to counsel an abuser.
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 09-20-2015, 12:37 PM
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Re: I am worried I might become violent towards my wife

I agree that you need to get into anger management counseling and/or classes. There are some good self help books to read on the topic as well.

When your went after your wife physically, have you very been that angry before? Look at that feeling and try to figure out when and if you have ever had it before. You need to learn to recognize when you start to escalate to that point. That is your trigger to leave the discussion/argument. One of the aspect of anger management is to learn when to stop and walkaway to cool off.. both you and your wife.

I also think that what you were arguing about is very significant.

I'm bit confused about the car thing. Did you purchase a car for your mother? That would mean that you spent a large amount of marriage assets on something without your wife's agreement. Is this what happened and what set your wife?



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