In therapy and there is manipulation at play... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 06-11-2015, 03:19 PM Thread Starter
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In therapy and there is manipulation at play...

i have other posts in the "considering divorce" forum but think maybe this is a more appropriate place. about 5 years ago my wife became the boss at her company and began making a lot more money, including more than me. she also began working with this ******* immoral business partner at that time. this is when things all changed.

she went from sweet, humble, even innocent, to aggressive, hostile, ruthless, arrogant, and mean. she then began bringing that attitude home to me, snapping at me constantly no matter how much i did for us (i do EVERYTHING for us on top of working full time and making 6 figures), being demanding, impatient, and totally ignoring me and neglecting me.

ive been told im the classic "nice guy". i try to please everyone around me to a fault and never take care of my needs. i work full time, do all the mail, bills, groceries, supplies, cleaning, cooking all meals, social planning, etc etc etc etc and even help with the baby as much as i can, often stepping in and staying up at night to watch her so my wife can rest. my wife does a lot for our baby, i wont say that she doesnt, but for the 10+ years before we had a baby, the oNLY thing my wife did was focus on her career. Ive done it all for all those years.

now here i am distraught and lonely and finally called up a ton of therapists, found one that i thought was good and we saw him a couple times together and individually. the problem is my wife, who can be VERY charming when she wants to be, seemed to put on a big show in the sessions. she complimented the therapist, fed into his ego, cried a bunch (she hasnt cried at home in 5 years), and now she has the therapist totally on her side. he is now being overly critical of everything I say and not even allowing me to speak freely (saying im speaking critical and to start every sentence with a "soft start"), to the point where I cant even talk. i feel manipulated and duped and frustrated. it hts me to se her being fake like that. i dont believe in lying and i refuse to play this game. being nice is a good thing but insincerity is awful.

i tried to write the therapist an email voicing my concern but it didnt help and it seems like he thinks suddenly im the bad guy, when it was me that found him to help us out and to help my wife see that she has all of this anger and behavior issues. even in session she says things that are totally inaccurate or misconstrued and i dont want to fight back and make up lies. i dont have the energy for this.

i dont know what to do. i dont want to search for another therapist because it took me months to find this one and when we saw 2 others they were both horribly bitter women. this therapist keeps saying, "we jsut started, everythign will get addressed" but I'm not sure. I feel like he is charmed and enamored by her and annoyed by me when its her that is abusing me. i never raise my voice at her or call her names or ignore her. im at her beck and call. this is so unfair. i dont deserve this after doing so much for her. i thought i was being her hero and instead it got me nowhere. in my own house i cant ask her for even a glass of water because she gets annoyed at being asked for anything, like "im not your assistant." she has that type of stuck up attitude.

i also dont want to get a divorce. i want this to work but im not sure how. i am reading "no more mr. nice guy" and its pretty eye opening. but i dont think that implementing that technique will work with the timing of the therapist because then she will tell the therapist the selfish things i did if i try the books recommendations.

please help....im so lost and in so much pain.

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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 07-15-2015, 03:02 PM
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Re: In therapy and there is manipulation at play...

Let me say this... After helping many couples I've found in most cases there is 3 sides to every story. His perspective, her perspective and then there is the truth! Thatís not to say youíre not telling the truth, it just means youíre sharing your point of view of what is transpiring in your relationship. Iím not hearing her point of view which leaves me having to answer based on only having one perspective.

I would recommend a heart to heart conversation with the two of you. IF sheís willing. If sheís not willing to communicate and share why she feels the way she does, things are only going to get worse from here, this has to be confronted in a loving way, not in an argument if you both want the relationship to continue. It takes both of you working at it to make it work. Communication is key to working through the issue. If she is willing you must be ready to deal with the criticism and not blow up or retaliate in any way! When she started acting out this way you say you noticed it but this may not necessarily be when she started feeling this way towards you, only she can answer that. Be accepting of whatever she says and if you are at fault, accept that fault. But donít retaliate or blame her. Remember youíre asking her for feedback on why she acts towards you the way she does, she has a right to feel the way she does just as you do. Use her feedback to correct whatever went wrong in a loving way, again donít engage an argument or you will be right back where you startedÖ

I canít really tell you where to go from here as the next steps are based on her feedback but hopefully she will give you enough feedback that you should be able to start peeling back the layers to figure out what the underlying issue is causing her to feel the way she does. Dealing with the underlying issue will be how the both of you together, fix this problem in your relationship but you can only control you and how you feel. You canít control her and how she feels. If she has anger, bitterness or resentment (Unforgiveness) built up towards you for whatever reason, she will need to forgive you for it before you can resolve it, remember itís her perception and she has the right to feel anyway she wants too, you canít control how she feels any more than she can control how you feel. If she wants to live in a healthy relationship the both of you need to put the conflict to rest. Unforgiveness blocks love, hence why she acts the way she does towards you.

But just another fyi, sooner or later you will have to forgive her for treating you this way as well. As you stated your lost and in so much pain. This is the beginning of healing and growth in your relationship so get well soon...
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 07-15-2015, 03:32 PM
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Re: In therapy and there is manipulation at play...

You should consider posting in one thread since it is kind of hard to look at the total picture with so many threads going. You would probably get better advice that way.

With that said, therapy isn't about being right or winning. You have stated before that you want the therapist to make her see the "error of her ways" and you want to secretly record her and play it for the therapist...This is not a healthy marriage and you seem to want to play victim.

She may be the complete narcissistic sociopath you describe her as. If she is as bad as you say, she will never in a million years with all the therapy in the world change.

The only person you can change is you, divorcing her or accepting her as she is seem to be your only options. Go to IC and work on yourself regardless.
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