lost confused and not really sure what to do
I feel desperate to be posting in this forum. My wife of almost 19 years wants to leave me, and has been giving me the cold shoulder for the last week. It all came to a boil a week ago, when I got really mad one evening, smashed a rice cooker, some plates, as she was ignoring and putting me down while she went about her way getting dinner ready. I don't know why I snapped, and in reflection, I shocked myself, in the process of smashing the cooker, and the plates, I cut myself and made a horrible mess. to make it worse, the kids got to see me do this. I've never done this before, and I was horrified enough to immediately look for theraphy. Despite some theraphy sessions, i'm no closer to understanding why i did it. To make it worse, she hasn't been the same since. I can't really say I blame her, I became a monster, and I did a terrible thing, and right now, I can't even rationalize or ask for her forgiveness, she has a permanent scowl on her face in the mornings, and takes every opportunity to ignore, and or put me down. I don't really know what to do, i'm desperate.
Roll to the beginning, my wife and I knew each other since high school, we fell in love and went to the same college. Her parents had lived apart since she was 6 years old, and her family is pretty messed up. While she loves her mom deeply, there are times when she would just go into a cold war with her mom, and not speak to her for weeks. I was always able to thaw her coldness, even if I made stupid mistakes. 16 years ago, we moved away from all family for my work, she left her professional job, and while initially had encouraged me to move, had a little remorse at the end, as she wanted to stay a couple of months to collect her bonus. In hindsigh, I did the selfish thing, unwilling to face the new surroundings alone, I insisted she give up on her last bonus with the company and move.
Perhaps that was my first mistake, cos it's the thing that comes to her mind lately, everytime we fight, she blames me for this, for that, for breaking promises, for not being there.
I work a highly stressful job, with many at work that depend on me. I stuggle as I sometimes feel like I need to be on top of my game OR else I won't make it. I do enjoy the work, but between family and work, there is just no room for any close friends, my wife and I just don't have any. It's been just herself and I for the last 16 years.
I've also grown apart form my parents, who always wants to visit, but whom my wife dislikes, and doesn't want them around. To the point where if they want to come, she insists that I take a vacation to entertain them.
I have 3 lovely kids, twins, and a younger one. I love them dearly, but I also sometimes feel like they took my wife away from me. Since they arrived, kids have been the priority, I have been the lowest. She says that I should be the adult, that I should be there, and not want attention like another kid. I get that, but I want my wife back. It may be because of this, I also find it hard to relate or do day to day fun stuff with them, I find it hard to connect, and is envious when my wife can talk to them about everything under the sun, and I find it so difficult. I feel like i'm now failing as a father, as well as a husband.
i'm rambling now, I don't even know why I joined, and started posting here. perhaps i'm just looking to see if someone would hear me out instead of me driving myself wild and talking to myself all the time.
I was also diagnosed for type 2 diabetes about 6 months ago, giving up my favorite foods and losing a bunch of weight certainly has been disturbing to go through. My wife, while sympathetic, seems to constantly chide me for "see, I told you not to drink too much soda", which I had read as a defensive move by her, as I think she also wonders if she hasn't been feeding me right. Even though I keep telling her its not her fault (I found out my dad has type 2 as well, that he never told me until I told him) it seems to add to the stress on her and at home.
She is also obviously overwhelmed with the kids, laundry, school activities, the mess they make in the home. This takes her away from the stuff she loves to do. Even though I try to support her hobbies, she constantly feels like there is no time to do them - and is in a constant frustrated mode.
So she wants to leave, but she feels she is trapped, as she doesn't feel like she can go back, and she also feels like she threw away the career because of me. She also feels like the kids need her - so her default now is to scowl and ignore me everyday.
I just don't know how to operate in this environment, I dont' know what to do. case in point, I tried to replace the rice cooker, asking her if we should upgrade it since I broke it, she says "it's up to you" so I got a super duper one, and started using it - it's more complicated, and she just told me tonight "i'm so mad at you, when you want to replace something, replace it" - boy was I confused. So I've packed it away, and will be making a trip to get a new one.
gawd, i'm lost and confused and feel like i'm walking on eggshells, I've tried apologizing, I've tried talking to my kids and apologizing, I've tried to communicate and hit a cold shoulder, I've read articles that I should just wait it out, but I've seen her go months like this with her mom, I wouldn't be able to stand it. I still love her dearly, but I don't know what to do.