So to start off let me tell you that these things come to my mind and I like to dissect them, I'm an over analyzer and I know for a fact that it bothers my H but this isn't about him, at least not completely.
Let me start with a somewhat brief history of myself and family. I grew up with an alcoholic father, my mom had to do a lot of the parenting by herself with her 4 kids. I saw the way he hurt my mom when he drank and when he didn't. I saw her take the abuse physical at first till she stood up to him then it was just constant emotional abuse since then.
I've always told myself that I would NEVER be in a relationship like that to be drilled down to the point where you don't even like yourself that much and just let someone have that power over you. My mom I must add is a very strong woman maybe more so now that we are all adults but she takes his s**t and says its easier to just brush it off.
I got married after a very short courting period it was an alternative to breaking up which I was always the one initiating the separation but out of desperation he asked me to marry him. I said yes. I do love my H but he has the power to break me down with a single look, a position I never wanted to be in. So far in the course of our marriage, well before I get into that let me add I know that we both have our faults I'm not claiming at all to be perfect, anyway in the course of our marriage he had quit smoking marijuana and I had to deal with his withdrawal from it. He was very short tempered and even tried to choke me once for some reason unknown to me I just laughed hysterically so it didn't last long since I guess I didn't give him the reaction he wanted, he has lost his temper with me in public various times because he knows that I will not cause a scene and do anything to avoid it during those "episodes" he threatens to drive away and leave me where I stand, he has also and this is one that has bothered me on so many levels yelled at me cussing me out at his mother's house while we were over for a visit in front of my toddler and MIL once again he knows that I won't fight back I get embarrassed because I would rather deal with problems in the privacy of our own home.
I know he is narcissistic he has admitted to being selfish and has doesn't apologize at all for it. When we argue he (just recently) admitted to just saying things to hurt me such as I hate spending time with you and I don't want to take you anywhere. These things really hurt and I find myself asking him what I can do to make him happy how I can change so he will want to spend time with me.
So today I was thinking about why I do that, why do I give in and accept that it must be my fault and I came to the conclusion that it's because of what I saw when I grew up. My mom just took all of my dad's emotional abuse she has stayed for 34+ years in a marriage that she has said feels more like living with an unpleasant roommate. I've been told before that it was a symptom of being a child of an alcoholic to have that attitude towards a relationship that is for lack of better words toxic.
I must repeat that I do love my H his attitudes have changed somewhat since this last blow up. I found out he had been lying to me about smoking he had said he quit smoking cigarettes over 5 years ago but he had been doing it shortly after our baby being born which was over 3 yrs ago. The fact that he lied is what bothered me it broke the trust that I had so much trouble building with him because of issues I have once again having to do with my childhood. He let others, strangers, in on his secret of smoking and one of them unknowingly let his secret out. I was hurt I didn't want to be with someone that I couldn't trust so we had a talk, that's when he said he hated spending time with me(the only time we get to spend together is every other weekend due to his job) that he couldn't stand the thought of taking me anywhere and that he needed his space. This time I told him fine I'm done you have chipped and chipped away at what I feel for you to the point where I no longer look forward to your homecoming I dread it. So I told him let's separate why force something that's not there and I asked him what he thought what he thinks the next step should be because at that point I was done with this painful game he plays. His answer? I don't know, every question got that answer. He then said we should move and that is sure to change things (due to finances we live with my parents). I asked him what does it have to do with the fact that he lied to me, he said he needed counseling but he didn't want to do MC with me because he didn't want me to know what his issues were he just want to do IC and again he insisted we find an affordable apartment and as always that's where the argument ended, for him.
I started showing how I felt instead of hiding it behind a fake smile, he kept asking if I was OK what was wrong and when I would look at him he would just say Oh yeah. He said he was going to make an actual effort to change I responded with a very depressed sounding fine. He has been trying to kiss up ever since. I know I would benefit from some IC but it's a bit hard with the purse strings pulled tight at the moment. So I tried to analyze myself in a way and that is the conclusion I have come to. I welcome any comments. And now that I read this over I see I made it about him a little more than I expected
Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this.