Midlife crisis OR....?
Hello, I'm a 47 year old married male. I love my wife and cant imagine my life without her. We are coming up on our 20 year wedding anniversary. We have done everything together but lately, she just isn't into what I am and I really could care less. I love working out and cycling, doing things out doors. Over the last 6 years, I have become passionate about fitness and I have become a certified personal trainer. Its a difficult business to get into and we cant afford for me to pursue a career in fitness at this point (maybe one day).
I work at a dead end job with no place for advancement. I have been there for over 10 years and have simply hated working there for about the last 8 years. My wife works and hates her current job but likes the company she works for and is trying to transfer to another department but isn't having much luck. About 7 years ago, We were almost in a position ,financially, where I could quit MY job and seek another job that I liked and the wife lost her job due to a company shut down. That made me the bread winner for a bit. It took time, but she went to work and is back to making about what I make now but we cannot live on her income alone.
I feel like I'm drifting away from the direction that WE were going and wanting to go a different way. She just keeps saying that its our jobs that are causing us to be unhappy but I feel there is more. I am starting to feel like I don't want to be around her or do things we used to do or even do new things with her. I played in bands for several years and I retired from that. That was a huge part of my life that I "closed the book on". I made a big announcement at my last show that I was hanging it up and thanked everyone for supporting me over my career and even, publically, thanked my wife for her support even though she didn't go to my last show. That hurt me to the point that I cried to myself after the show. I have never told her because it would hurt her and I don't want her to hurt. When I became a certified trainer, she decided to take up running and asked me what she needed to do to prepare. I told her (from a trainers stand point) and even designed a workout program for her. She worked out ONE day and said she was just going to use an app that she had found. ?!? Wow, I would have rather had a slap in the face. That totally destroyed my confidence as a trainer to the point that I don't even care to continue. Its one thing for clients to dropout but for your own wife to go somewhere else for advice was crushing to me. I love her so much but, at this point, I don't really care what happens and its killing me to feel this way.
Our marriage has been good but not great. We both decided before we even married that we didn't want children so we didn't have them. She had "pluming" issues at a young age and was told that it would be next to impossible and dangerous for her to have children and I didn't care to have any so we were the perfect match, from that stand point. I say that because, I have a healthy sexual appetite and she really don't have much at all. We never had sex more than once a month even early in our marriage. I generally take care of myself and she says she is ok with that. The only way she can have sex with me now is if she has had a few drinks. And here I thought only teenagers done that! That hurts me too and I have tried to discuss that with her. I need that "closeness" and I need to know that she has desire for me. It really messes with my head when she WONT have sex with me without being drunk. She says that she just needs to get loosened up first.
She left me one time around the 5 year mark. Said she didn't feel appreciated and didn't know if she really wanted to be married anymore. That was more destruction. I lost 13lbs in 8 days and looked horrible. I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong. I cried myself to sleep every night she was gone (two weeks but seemed like and eternity). We talked it over and worked it out. She had admitted to "flirting" around with a co-worker but never let if go further than making out. I believe her. We always have that trust. I let that go and never bothered me. She is one to keep things bottled up inside and never talking about her feelings and that's why she got to her "end" and thought she was unhappy. She said it wasn't anything I had intentionally done. After all we went through, and me thinking that I had done something wrong, I realized that all I had done was be myself and "myself" didn't know I was doing anything wrong when I actually was but she kept it inside and wouldn't talk about it so I would have never known. I asked her to never do that again. If I done something she didn't like, bring it up and we would talk about it. I may have not known I was doing anything wrong or she may have just took it the wrong way(which was what had been happening).
Lately, I just feel like I need a change. We have a nice house on a lake, a boat, nice cars and nice things and our debt is manageable. I feel like I would be happy with less. I want to move 1100 miles away and start over. I want to do it with her but then I also want to do it even if she don't. I really don't like how I feel and want "US" back. It seems that she really wants to make me happy but its not working. I don't have any desire to go buy some flashy new toys (cant afford them). I don't drink, I don't cheat (have had desires but never acted or even had the nerve. Couldn't stand to hurt her like that.)
Sorry for the long post, I could go on and on.... Am I in a midlife crisis? How did I get here? How do I get out without hurting the ones I love?