Midlife crisis OR....? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-29-2015, 04:14 PM Thread Starter
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Midlife crisis OR....?

Hello, I'm a 47 year old married male. I love my wife and cant imagine my life without her. We are coming up on our 20 year wedding anniversary. We have done everything together but lately, she just isn't into what I am and I really could care less. I love working out and cycling, doing things out doors. Over the last 6 years, I have become passionate about fitness and I have become a certified personal trainer. Its a difficult business to get into and we cant afford for me to pursue a career in fitness at this point (maybe one day).
I work at a dead end job with no place for advancement. I have been there for over 10 years and have simply hated working there for about the last 8 years. My wife works and hates her current job but likes the company she works for and is trying to transfer to another department but isn't having much luck. About 7 years ago, We were almost in a position ,financially, where I could quit MY job and seek another job that I liked and the wife lost her job due to a company shut down. That made me the bread winner for a bit. It took time, but she went to work and is back to making about what I make now but we cannot live on her income alone.

I feel like I'm drifting away from the direction that WE were going and wanting to go a different way. She just keeps saying that its our jobs that are causing us to be unhappy but I feel there is more. I am starting to feel like I don't want to be around her or do things we used to do or even do new things with her. I played in bands for several years and I retired from that. That was a huge part of my life that I "closed the book on". I made a big announcement at my last show that I was hanging it up and thanked everyone for supporting me over my career and even, publically, thanked my wife for her support even though she didn't go to my last show. That hurt me to the point that I cried to myself after the show. I have never told her because it would hurt her and I don't want her to hurt. When I became a certified trainer, she decided to take up running and asked me what she needed to do to prepare. I told her (from a trainers stand point) and even designed a workout program for her. She worked out ONE day and said she was just going to use an app that she had found. ?!? Wow, I would have rather had a slap in the face. That totally destroyed my confidence as a trainer to the point that I don't even care to continue. Its one thing for clients to dropout but for your own wife to go somewhere else for advice was crushing to me. I love her so much but, at this point, I don't really care what happens and its killing me to feel this way.

Our marriage has been good but not great. We both decided before we even married that we didn't want children so we didn't have them. She had "pluming" issues at a young age and was told that it would be next to impossible and dangerous for her to have children and I didn't care to have any so we were the perfect match, from that stand point. I say that because, I have a healthy sexual appetite and she really don't have much at all. We never had sex more than once a month even early in our marriage. I generally take care of myself and she says she is ok with that. The only way she can have sex with me now is if she has had a few drinks. And here I thought only teenagers done that! That hurts me too and I have tried to discuss that with her. I need that "closeness" and I need to know that she has desire for me. It really messes with my head when she WONT have sex with me without being drunk. She says that she just needs to get loosened up first.
She left me one time around the 5 year mark. Said she didn't feel appreciated and didn't know if she really wanted to be married anymore. That was more destruction. I lost 13lbs in 8 days and looked horrible. I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong. I cried myself to sleep every night she was gone (two weeks but seemed like and eternity). We talked it over and worked it out. She had admitted to "flirting" around with a co-worker but never let if go further than making out. I believe her. We always have that trust. I let that go and never bothered me. She is one to keep things bottled up inside and never talking about her feelings and that's why she got to her "end" and thought she was unhappy. She said it wasn't anything I had intentionally done. After all we went through, and me thinking that I had done something wrong, I realized that all I had done was be myself and "myself" didn't know I was doing anything wrong when I actually was but she kept it inside and wouldn't talk about it so I would have never known. I asked her to never do that again. If I done something she didn't like, bring it up and we would talk about it. I may have not known I was doing anything wrong or she may have just took it the wrong way(which was what had been happening).

Lately, I just feel like I need a change. We have a nice house on a lake, a boat, nice cars and nice things and our debt is manageable. I feel like I would be happy with less. I want to move 1100 miles away and start over. I want to do it with her but then I also want to do it even if she don't. I really don't like how I feel and want "US" back. It seems that she really wants to make me happy but its not working. I don't have any desire to go buy some flashy new toys (cant afford them). I don't drink, I don't cheat (have had desires but never acted or even had the nerve. Couldn't stand to hurt her like that.)

Sorry for the long post, I could go on and on.... Am I in a midlife crisis? How did I get here? How do I get out without hurting the ones I love?

Thanks.

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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-29-2015, 04:27 PM
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Re: Midlife crisis OR....?

I think you really want to leave and no kids makes it very appetizing. Take a long vacation wout her and see how you manage. If you don't miss her much, you probably have your answer. You two have grown apart but were never that close anyway. Hope this helps!! Dude
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-29-2015, 04:39 PM
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Re: Midlife crisis OR....?

Wow, 20 years but no kids? I'm against divorce but in your situation with no kids and a wife that is not able to bang you without being drunk, I'd bounce.

I would bet money her sexual disconnect happened when she was banging her co-worker a few years ago. Don't buy for a second that they were just making out . Young teenagers make out. Married woman get buck wild when they cheat. You're getting older. It does sound like a midlife crises but with so little to lose, I'd go for it. If there are kids, my answer changes though.
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-29-2015, 09:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Midlife crisis OR....?

Dude007: I DO want to leave... my job and the area but I want her to go with me. I want something like we once had. I know she wants it too but when we try to talk, it goes south. I am very blunt and to the point and I know I say things that are hurtful to her and others and I don't mean to hurt them but I don't believe in 'beating around the bush'.

Thanks for your input.


jsmart: weather or not she banged her co-worker doesn't bother me. That was 15 years ago and, although I'll not forget, I did forgive her. We were both young. I know it has never happened again. As for "little to lose", we both have great, loving families that love us both. I have a lot to lose and I'm not talking material things.

Thanks for your input as well.
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-29-2015, 09:49 PM
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Re: Midlife crisis OR....?

How would you describe your daily interactions?when you go to hang up on a call, who says 'I love you' first (if said at all)

Given the opportunity today, would you marry your wife again?

Cheers,
V(13)

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Dude007: I DO want to leave... my job and the area but I want her to go with me. I want something like we once had. I know she wants it too but when we try to talk, it goes south. I am very blunt and to the point and I know I say things that are hurtful to her and others and I don't mean to hurt them but I don't believe in 'beating around the bush'.

Thanks for your input.


jsmart: weather or not she banged her co-worker doesn't bother me. That was 15 years ago and, although I'll not forget, I did forgive her. We were both young. I know it has never happened again. As for "little to lose", we both have great, loving families that love us both. I have a lot to lose and I'm not talking material things.

Thanks for your input as well.
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-30-2015, 06:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Midlife crisis OR....?

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Originally Posted by Voltaire2013 View Post
How would you describe your daily interactions?when you go to hang up on a call, who says 'I love you' first (if said at all)

Given the opportunity today, would you marry your wife again?

Cheers,
V(13)
We both say "I love you" each time we part. Going to work, the store, going to bed..... We usually say it about the same time. We want it to be the last words that we hear each other say if something bad were to happen. That's just something we have always done.

I always said that IF something were to happen with us that I would never marry again but, if I were to marry, I would marry her all over again.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-30-2015, 07:00 AM
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Re: Midlife crisis OR....?

If you're hesitant about counseling, then you might familiarize yourself about how a marriage should resemble. At least then you see what you are doing or not doing that's got you in this situation.

His Needs, Her Needs

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Hint: Who wants to have sex with someone who's not happy?

What did you do lately to make her feel good about being in the marriage?

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

Be a better man... / ADHD and Marriage

Last edited by anchorwatch; 11-30-2015 at 07:09 AM.
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-30-2015, 01:08 PM
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Re: Midlife crisis OR....?

There are a lot of valid reasons to end a relationship. You touched on several. But engaging in adultery to avoid dealing with them is pouring gasoline on kitchen fire. I am not saying you will, I am warning to guard against an EA at this time. Individuals in your situation at times start one without even realizing that they have. Which your wife did.

I sense you are currently handleing your emotions the same as your wife did 15 years ago. Perhaps the two of you need a mentor to help open up commincations.

You stated she is not involved in events you enjoy. Are you involved in any of her's.
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-30-2015, 08:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Midlife crisis OR....?

Anchorwatch: I talked her into going to counceling 15 years ago and we went one time and she didn't want to go back. We DID come to the conclusion on our own that we had a breakdown in communication and agreed to write down things that we had issues with. Then once a week, we would turn off the TV, the phones and sit at the dining room table with our notes and discuss them with an open mind. We found out that we just took what the other said, the wrong way. Once we talked it out and understood the other person we would move on to the next subject. This worked for us but somewhere along the line we stopped doing that. I guess we got too comfortable with each other again. As far as what I have done for her? Im really not sure. I do a lot of the house work, laundry, help with the shopping. We are not much on gift giving. We go buy what we want when we want.


JohnA: I think you may be right about "handling my emotions like she did". The thing is, at that time, I thought everything was fine and it really hurt (not necessarily that she was seeing someone else but that I had made her unhappy). I know that it would hurt her too and don't want her to feel what I did. I guess it will have to happen though.
She don't like to workout or ride mountain bikes like I do. We do go to yoga together and she runs. I have tried to run but knee injuries from several years ago wont permit me to run without pain. I did just buy her a road bike. She does like to ride paved trails but I get a little bored with that. She likes going out on the pontoon and spending the day on the lake and just being with me in general.

Thanks for your replies.
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-30-2015, 08:34 PM
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Re: Midlife crisis OR....?

By doing things for her I meant emotional things. Things that make her feel good to be with you. It's not just service or gift related. Take a look at the links I gave you and figure out what are her emotional needs. Find yours too.

Do you still date her?


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"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

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Last edited by anchorwatch; 11-30-2015 at 08:45 PM.
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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-30-2015, 09:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Midlife crisis OR....?

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By doing things for her I meant emotional things. Things that make her feel good to be with you. It's not just service or gift related. Take a look at the links I gave you and figure out what are her emotional needs. Find yours too.

Do you still date her?


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I will look at the links.

We DO go out occasionally. She works a lot and weekends, she just likes to stay in. We do go out to eat and a movie once in a while.
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-01-2015, 01:30 PM
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Re: Midlife crisis OR....?

I agree with anchorwatch. You need to spend more time connecting with each other. Dinners and movies are ok, but you can't connect with either one. You need to go outside the realm of normal dating and do something that will create an atmosphere to which you both must interact with each other. Something with less distraction. Movies and dinner is nice but at dinner there are others around, interruptions from the waiter/waitress. This can take the focus off of the connection. Same with movies. You aren't facing each other and you are paying attention to the movie and not your spouse...again, no connection happening. Do something different, like having a picnic in the middle of field in the middle of nowhere...something that creates excitement. When doing this type of connection, there has to be both mental and physical connecting. Touching can actually be arousing both mentally and physically when done appropriately and at the right times. Like if you tell her how beautiful she is, gently touch the side of her face. When talking to her, make it about her. Women like to be heard. They like when we listen, so ask her about her day and just listen. You don't have to say much, but just listen! They say don't let history repeat itself, but in this case you want to be that boy/man she fell in love with. When we first meet someone that we like we get those butterflies in our stomach. That's excitement and mental arousal. That's where you want to be. There's no such thing as a mid life crisis. It's just that we get so caught up in our everyday lives that we forget to nurture our relationships and this why they become empty......
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-01-2015, 01:37 PM
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Re: Midlife crisis OR....?

" I have a healthy sexual appetite and she really don't have much at all. We never had sex more than once a month even early in our marriage. I generally take care of myself and she says she is ok with that. The only way she can have sex with me now is if she has had a few drinks"

That is so sad for you, toss in she left you (likely for another guy) and dropped you like a bad habit I wouldn't feel I owe anything to her. Once a month and needs booze just to have sex with you? You're a saint for making it 20 years.
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-01-2015, 08:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Midlife crisis OR....?

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I agree with anchorwatch. You need to spend more time connecting with each other. Dinners and movies are ok, but you can't connect with either one. You need to go outside the realm of normal dating and do something that will create an atmosphere to which you both must interact with each other. Something with less distraction. Movies and dinner is nice but at dinner there are others around, interruptions from the waiter/waitress. This can take the focus off of the connection. Same with movies. You aren't facing each other and you are paying attention to the movie and not your spouse...again, no connection happening. Do something different, like having a picnic in the middle of field in the middle of nowhere...something that creates excitement. When doing this type of connection, there has to be both mental and physical connecting. Touching can actually be arousing both mentally and physically when done appropriately and at the right times. Like if you tell her how beautiful she is, gently touch the side of her face. When talking to her, make it about her. Women like to be heard. They like when we listen, so ask her about her day and just listen. You don't have to say much, but just listen! They say don't let history repeat itself, but in this case you want to be that boy/man she fell in love with. When we first meet someone that we like we get those butterflies in our stomach. That's excitement and mental arousal. That's where you want to be. There's no such thing as a mid life crisis. It's just that we get so caught up in our everyday lives that we forget to nurture our relationships and this why they become empty......
Good info there, I like what you're saying and agree resturants and movies are distracting.

I am thankful for the post from everyone but its funny how the majority of them say "leave her because she cheated". If she really did or didn't, I may never know and really don't care. That has been 15 years ago and I forgave her. The only reason I posted it was to show that we screwed up along the way. I know in my heart that she hasn't done it since. I know she loves me as much as I love her but we just get too comfortable in the relationship and things get off track.

Thanks again.
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-02-2015, 12:38 PM
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Re: Midlife crisis OR....?

You're the only one that knows whether it is worth staying or leaving. I could tell you to leave her also, because she is or may be cheating. The thing is everyone's situation is different but at the same time alike. Some people don't have the perseverance or want, to make a marriage work after there has been infidelity. I understand the pain. I've been there, but at the same time, these people are quick to blame the spouse, because, well they were the one that did it, right? People don't usually wake up one day as say, "I think i'll cheat on my spouse today". It's a series of events and emotional disconnect that lead to it. Most of the time it's not about the sex at all. It's about trying to find that connection that has been lost.

My advise isn't much, but if you feel that it's worth the fight, then go with it. If you feel it's a wasted effort, then turn the page and write a new chapter....
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