My life is falling apart..... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-08-2016, 07:34 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy My life is falling apart.....

I do not even know where to start....

Maried going on 6 years two beautiful daughters who are my everything, even if they do stress me out sometimes. Life was good up until somepoint after our second child was born. This is when my wife and I started to hove ups and downs... we started to have blow out fights, but they were not very often, maybe two that first year. 3 years ago we sold our home and moved to a much nicer home in a great neighborhood, and things were OK then, but have slowly gotten worse. yearlier this year it seemed like we disagreed on everything. One day we had a disagreement and had a loud arguement, and I did something I never thought I would do... I noticed she was on her phone alot texting, and I checked it while she was in the shower... now while thank goodness she was not cheating on me, she was texting a friend and she told here that she felt she would never be happy with me again. I tried to hide the fact I read it, but it was too much for me and I confronted her and had a melt down for about an hour... I never thought I could feel such pain over just words, but I did. I felt betraid, and that I had lost my solemate, best friend and love of my life. She said she was sorry and had writen that at a moment of weakness. That was about 3 months ago. While things have gotten a bit better, we are rarely intimate anymore. Well I say rarely,but to some it may be a lot. We have sex about one time a week, but now last month it was twice. This is significantly less than when everything is good, and we are both happy. Whne things are good it is at a minimum every other day, and while I know sex is not everything, it shows we are not on the same page. To top things off work sucks, and that is just increasing my stress level making me irratible...

Everytime I see my wife now all I can think of is that text... "I will never be happy with him"

I love my wife and without her I will fall apart....

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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-08-2016, 06:39 PM
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Re: My life is falling apart.....

You need to prepare yourself for life without her.

She's working on her exit strategy.
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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 12:22 AM
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Re: My life is falling apart.....

Hello! Your my first reply! I've read your post. First off, its normal to have fights, arguments and disagreements. A healthy relationship has many ups and downs! Especially as they grow.

I understand your hurt however you did peek at her text. I'm sure when you have a fight with your wife, you may vent to a friend or a family member ?...This is what she did...she loves you enough not tell you how she felt at the moment...Just think how upset you would've been, if she had told this to your face," she would never be happy with you again "?

Having a job, home, wife and children is a lot of stress and responsibility... but its also something to be proud of.

Try not to gauge sex as a numbers thing. Sex and relationships are constantly changing. Like a roller coaster sex will have ups and downs also. You will have dry spells, its normal!
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 02:11 AM
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Re: My life is falling apart.....

Frozen001,

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I'm know it's terrible to have your marriage falling apart.

You need to handle this as the crisis it is.

Just to give you some hope, there is a study that followed couples for 5 years. At the start of the study, all of the couples said that they were unhappy in their marriages. Five years later, 85% reported that they are very happy. Your problems can be fixed.

The first thing to try is to get your wife to work on your marriage problems together. Ask your wife to go to marriage counseling with you.

In addition to counseling I suggest that you two read two books together and do the work that the books suggest. The work is to be done together. The books are "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order.

.
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 12:09 PM
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Re: My life is falling apart.....

Read two books and start applying them as soon as you can.

Sheet Music
The Five Love Languages

I will pray for you.

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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 01:04 PM
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Re: My life is falling apart.....

Bother of you need to read His Needs, Her Needs together.

Work is stressful but you must never bring it home unless it's to discus with your wife. You can vent to her about work but not at her. It's not her fault. Grow up a bit her.

And vice versa. Set down and ask her how her day was let her vent as well and LISTEN!

Take her out on a date once a week without the kids.

You think it's bad now go thru a divorce! You own 50% of this marriage so fix your half and tell her you are. She gets the other half.

This is easier fixed than you think
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 01:29 PM
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Re: My life is falling apart.....

I'll add that your wife has to be able to vent to her friends without you spying and stinking about it. That by itself is going to push her away.

You can ask that if she has an issue she come to you so you can address it, then apologize for sticking your nose into a friend venr.

I cringe to think what my hb would think if he was privy to every ventinge session I've had with close girlfriends.
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 03:09 PM
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Re: My life is falling apart.....

Frozen001,

You are being given several book titles. I'm sure that is confusing.

Someone suggested "The Five Love Languages". It's a good book.

It's a less complete version of what "His Needs, Her Needs" is about. But it is still a good book to read.

My suggestion is to read the books in the following order:

"Love Busters"
"His Needs, Her Needs"
"The Five Love Languages"
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 07:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My life is falling apart.....

Thanks for the replies. We talked over the weekend, and she assured me she is not plotting an exit (though she could just be saying that). She admitted that when we are in a good spell, all she seems to think is that its OK now, but what is next that will come crashing down. I told her that is just like sabotaging it, and makes her look for little things to just derail our progress. One thing she has repeadedly said is that she thinks we need more time together, which as anyone with kids knows is not easy. I will try and do some reading and see if I can get some insight. I noticed one of the biggest problems we seem to be having is every morning she seems to start off on the wrong foot. She has developed a pretty short fuse with the girls on their morning ritual, and whenever I say to her that she needs to calm down, she always tries to deflect the problem to somehow being my fault, because I do not help her in the morning. Well this morning she said that right after I had made breakfast for my oldest, which I pointed out, and she still tried to blame it on my lack of helping.... I am so frustrated....
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 07:52 AM
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Re: My life is falling apart.....

You are failing **** tests, my man.

She cannot trust you to keep your cool in the face of her outbursts. She needs cool from you. Rather, you escalate.

Are you arguing about important, life decisions? Or are you bickering about cereal? If the latter, cut out your side of the fire. Every time you have one of these knock down drag out fights over something meaningless, you reset the timer and kill intimacy.

Your lack of control is unattractive to her. Work on control and playfulness as a new relationship dynamic. Make the time to connect alone as a couple.

You can do this. Now is a critical time to turn this around. Read the books suggested.


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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 07:53 AM
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Re: My life is falling apart.....

Perhaps you should consider why she's developed this short fuse. Just telling her to calm down if something isn't working for her is condescending.

And your wife is telling you she needs more time with you. Ignore it or make excuses at your own risk.
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 08:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My life is falling apart.....

Most of the arguements are about big thing, well they are big deals to me. I would never argue of something tiny, it is just not worth it.

I do not see how asking her to calm down and take a few minutes to calm down is a bad thing. Also when I see her giving my girls a hard time over something insignificant I am not going to sit back and let her do that.


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You are failing **** tests, my man.

She cannot trust you to keep your cool in the face of her outbursts. She needs cool from you. Rather, you escalate.

Are you arguing about important, life decisions? Or are you bickering about cereal? If the latter, cut out your side of the fire. Every time you have one of these knock down drag out fights over something meaningless, you reset the timer and kill intimacy.

Your lack of control is unattractive to her. Work on control and playfulness as a new relationship dynamic. Make the time to connect alone as a couple.

You can do this. Now is a critical time to turn this around. Read the books suggested.


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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 08:26 AM
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Re: My life is falling apart.....

I think rich is saying that your first order of business is to diffuse the situation. When you order her to calm down in front of the kids you become her adversary and contribute to the tension and that is unattractive.

Diffuse the situation and approach her in private later to find out why she's been short and if you can do anything to help.
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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 01:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My life is falling apart.....

Thanks for the tip, I will attempt this approach in the future. I tend to be very direct about things, and often do not think of things like this.

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I think rich is saying that your first order of business is to diffuse the situation. When you order her to calm down in front of the kids you become her adversary and contribute to the tension and that is unattractive.

Diffuse the situation and approach her in private later to find out why she's been short and if you can do anything to help.
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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-23-2016, 11:23 AM
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Re: My life is falling apart.....

OK. Here is my different take on this.

Your wife could be suffering from post natal/partum depression.

She resents the children who stop her doing whatever cool, neat stuff she would otherwise be doing.

But if she told her friends the truth, that she resents her children, she might suspect they'd have a low opinion of her.

So when she vents to them she blames you.

Mind you, you did get her pregnant do you are still in the blame frame.

You need counselling both individual and as a couple.
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