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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-01-2016, 09:40 AM Thread Starter
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Feeling broken and empty/you're gonna need a snack to read this

I am a 42 year old woman married to the love of my life for 16 yrs. We dated in high school, went our separate ways and one day ran into each other while both of us were going thru divorce from 1st marriages. I was 23 he was 25, it's been a hell of a ride as a marriage. In the beginning I wasn't always faithful. I have had a couple of one night stands and 2 affairs. All of which he has no idea of. In our 30's we started experimenting with drugs which lead to having threesomes with another male. One of them became a regular weekend thing. I had no desire to have these threesomes but I did it to satisfy my husband. For some reason I was always afraid he'd throw it in my face later. Or try to use it as an excuse to have sex with someone else. About 2 yrs ago, he decided to have a facebook account. I opened one up for him and showed him how to get around in it. A few months later I started (unknowingly) going into a depression and was then diagnosed with Lupus and depression. My husband started acting different, more secretive with his phone and stuff. My ex husband was a huge womanizer so i knew the signs. I logged into his FB and found he was chatting with a woman. I confronted him, he played it like it wasn't a big deal and changed his password. He wrote the password down so he wouldn't forget it and left it in his jeans. I do all the laundry. He started learning how to navigate through the Internet on his smartphone. About 6 months ago the regular guy started to not call or by. We met another man to participate in the 3somes. After the 2nd 3some with this guy I wasn't comfortable with him. When my husband and I have sex we always talk dirty, mainly about how the other men have satisfied me. No one can satisfy me the way my husband can. And I know it's because I'm completely in love with him. I have told him this over and over and expressed that I don't have an orgasm ever with any other man except my husbsnd. But in the dirty talk I say what he wants to hear, he gets very turned on which gets me turned on and we've had such great sex. 3 months ago I found out he had opened a zoosk account (online dating website) I was devastated, I confronted him he denied it and took my phone from me cuz he said I was just getting in his business. I get up every morning to make him breakfast and lunch and send him to work. The next morning after confronting him we didn't sleep together and I didn't get up. He left to work with my phone. At noon he came home admitted to what he had done apologized gave me my phone and said he'd delete the account. That night we made love had amazing sex!! Next morning I got zoosk and he was online. Again my heart broke. Confronted him again. His excuse to getting on zoosk was cuz in one of our dry talking sex nights I said I swallowed, he was asking me if I did while we were f*#$&% I said no at first he kept asking me like he wanted me to say yes so I said yes. That was in October. November his little brother suddenly passed away at the age of 43. They were very close, and it was just them 2. My husband really leaned on me the whole month as he and parents dealt with this. December I felt like we had become so close, but he was still lying to me about little unimportant things. A few days before new year's we were gonna have sex and he asked I wanted to watch a few porn videos he DL on his phone, so he screen mirrored to our smart tv, and watched them while we f*#!. When we were done he was getting out of the video player and on his phone there was a notification from "hookedup.cougars" I questioned him and he said it was spam email. I knew better, it took me 2 days but I found the website, and his profile. At first he wouldn't admit to it, but when i showed him on my phone his profile his excuse again was me swallowing and tgs i always enjoyed the 3somes. I also found out he created the account dec. 10th. Added his profile picture Dec 25! To this day he won't talk about it, he lies about everything, and i hesitate to say things when we're having sex cuz it'll bite me in the ass. If I don't talk dirty to him he doesn't get hard. I don't know what to do. I feel so betrayed. Even though he hasn't physically cheated, that I know of, I am very hurt. Especially because I don't believe anything he says. Everytime his phone is in his face I think he's doing something he shouldn't be. I want to know what he's doing on his phone and if he's chatting with anyone. Everytime he ignores me or is in a bad mood I get sooo hurt. And I'm constantly crying. He keeps saying he wants to have another 3some but I'm scared to do it. I don't want to do it. But I don't want to disappoint him, I don't ever say no to him, we have sex every night. I'm very self conscious of my body and my looks. I hate myself and I don't even know why. I started online classes last summer and I've failed 3 classes cuz I can't concentrate. I want to buy a Spyware to monitor his phone activity cuz I don't trust him. Am I overreacting cuz I feel maybe karma has come back to me for my cheating?? I can't even imagine living without him. But at the same time I'm starting to resent him. I don't want that to happen cuz he's a great guy and when things are good between us we're awesome together...

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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-02-2016, 12:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling broken and empty/you're gonna need a snack to read this

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Originally Posted by lizard217223 View Post
I am a 42 year old woman married to the love of my life for 16 yrs. We dated in high school, went our separate ways and one day ran into each other while both of us were going thru divorce from 1st marriages. I was 23 he was 25, it's been a hell of a ride as a marriage. In the beginning I wasn't always faithful. I have had a couple of one night stands and 2 affairs. All of which he has no idea of. In our 30's we started experimenting with drugs which lead to having threesomes with another male. One of them became a regular weekend thing. I had no desire to have these threesomes but I did it to satisfy my husband. For some reason I was always afraid he'd throw it in my face later. Or try to use it as an excuse to have sex with someone else. About 2 yrs ago, he decided to have a facebook account. I opened one up for him and showed him how to get around in it. A few months later I started (unknowingly) going into a depression and was then diagnosed with Lupus and depression. My husband started acting different, more secretive with his phone and stuff. My ex husband was a huge womanizer so i knew the signs. I logged into his FB and found he was chatting with a woman. I confronted him, he played it like it wasn't a big deal and changed his password. He wrote the password down so he wouldn't forget it and left it in his jeans. I do all the laundry. He started learning how to navigate through the Internet on his smartphone. About 6 months ago the regular guy started to not call or by. We met another man to participate in the 3somes. After the 2nd 3some with this guy I wasn't comfortable with him. When my husband and I have sex we always talk dirty, mainly about how the other men have satisfied me. No one can satisfy me the way my husband can. And I know it's because I'm completely in love with him. I have told him this over and over and expressed that I don't have an orgasm ever with any other man except my husbsnd. But in the dirty talk I say what he wants to hear, he gets very turned on which gets me turned on and we've had such great sex. 3 months ago I found out he had opened a zoosk account (online dating website) I was devastated, I confronted him he denied it and took my phone from me cuz he said I was just getting in his business. I get up every morning to make him breakfast and lunch and send him to work. The next morning after confronting him we didn't sleep together and I didn't get up. He left to work with my phone. At noon he came home admitted to what he had done apologized gave me my phone and said he'd delete the account. That night we made love had amazing sex!! Next morning I got zoosk and he was online. Again my heart broke. Confronted him again. His excuse to getting on zoosk was cuz in one of our dry talking sex nights I said I swallowed, he was asking me if I did while we were f*#$&% I said no at first he kept asking me like he wanted me to say yes so I said yes. That was in October. November his little brother suddenly passed away at the age of 43. They were very close, and it was just them 2. My husband really leaned on me the whole month as he and parents dealt with this. December I felt like we had become so close, but he was still lying to me about little unimportant things. A few days before new year's we were gonna have sex and he asked I wanted to watch a few porn videos he DL on his phone, so he screen mirrored to our smart tv, and watched them while we f*#!. When we were done he was getting out of the video player and on his phone there was a notification from "hookedup.cougars" I questioned him and he said it was spam email. I knew better, it took me 2 days but I found the website, and his profile. At first he wouldn't admit to it, but when i showed him on my phone his profile his excuse again was me swallowing and tgs i always enjoyed the 3somes. I also found out he created the account dec. 10th. Added his profile picture Dec 25! To this day he won't talk about it, he lies about everything, and i hesitate to say things when we're having sex cuz it'll bite me in the ass. If I don't talk dirty to him he doesn't get hard. I don't know what to do. I feel so betrayed. Even though he hasn't physically cheated, that I know of, I am very hurt. Especially because I don't believe anything he says. Everytime his phone is in his face I think he's doing something he shouldn't be. I want to know what he's doing on his phone and if he's chatting with anyone. Everytime he ignores me or is in a bad mood I get sooo hurt. And I'm constantly crying. He keeps saying he wants to have another 3some but I'm scared to do it. I don't want to do it. But I don't want to disappoint him, I don't ever say no to him, we have sex every night. I'm very self conscious of my body and my looks. I hate myself and I don't even know why. I started online classes last summer and I've failed 3 classes cuz I can't concentrate. I want to buy a Spyware to monitor his phone activity cuz I don't trust him. Am I overreacting cuz I feel maybe karma has come back to me for my cheating?? I can't even imagine living without him. But at the same time I'm starting to resent him. I don't want that to happen cuz he's a great guy and when things are good between us we're awesome together...

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I really could use some feedback, advice, suggestions...anything

I've lost myself
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 11:00 PM
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Re: Feeling broken and empty/you're gonna need a snack to read this

I would start by adding the word "no" into your vernacular.

You would be surprised at how affective using this one simple word is at finding yourself again.

"Giggity Giggity!"
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 11:05 PM
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Re: Feeling broken and empty/you're gonna need a snack to read this

He clearly doesn't want a monogamous lifestyle. If this is a dealbreaker for you, divorce and move on.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-13-2016, 04:47 PM
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Re: Feeling broken and empty/you're gonna need a snack to read this

Its interesting that you say that when things are good, you're awesome together... are things good most of the time, or just rarely?

Based on all the stuff you've described above, and you talking about the negative feelings you have about yourself, it seems like you could both do with some outside help (which I appreciate is much more easily said than done). Seems your husband has a far higher / more diverse sex drive than you have, but you've gone along with more than you're comfy with because you don't want to say no, which obviously ins't healthy.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-17-2016, 09:02 AM
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Re: Feeling broken and empty/you're gonna need a snack to read this

How are things Lizard?
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