Engaged! And problems!! Where do I go from here?? - Talk About Marriage
Self-Help Marriage & Relationship Programs This section is for talking about the various programs available for do-it-yourself relationship help and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 8Likes
  • 3 Post By farsidejunky
  • 1 Post By tech-novelist
  • 2 Post By jorgegene
  • 1 Post By GusPolinski
  • 1 Post By VeryHurt
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 02:06 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Orange County California
Posts: 2
Unhappy Engaged! And problems!! Where do I go from here??

Me and My now fiancee, have been dating for the past 3 years, and living together for the past 20months and just got engaged a month and a half ago.
Even though I started dating her with no prospects of a long term relationship, and had a on again and off again relationship the first 6 months, things slowly changed overtime, and she one day said She Loved Me and I fell for her eventually and have loved her deeply since.
Before developing the feelings for her, I had a great admiration for her and her entrepreneurial passion, being an entrepreneur myself, but I knew she wasn't very capable of satisfying my emotional needs of a relationship partner, because of all her focus and passion being into her work. But soon I started ignoring that fact and got serious with her for all other good qualities and the strong affection and warmth we had for each other when we were physically with each other.

Her communication skills have always been bad and have improved very little over these years, and we have had few interests in common that rarely let us get actively involved in a conversation where we communicated effectively, or did anything together. I always wanted to have open communication with her, about everything, things relating to work, life, our plan for the future, about things she does and her interactions with other people, but we rarely had one, which led me to try to understand her and things going on with her through her facebook, emails, and once checking her phone. I probably had this insecurity inside of me that the reason she wouldn't communicate with me or tell me things because she did not want me to know them. But soon after realizing that there was nothing that she wanted to hide from me and that shes just not a great communicator, with me especially I took it easy and never checked any of her communications with others. I loved her and trusted her deeply, getting used to the level of communication between us.
We were always happy when we were together physically, and even though we did not talk a lot about things not relating to either of our businesses, we had that sense of attachment and togetherness being there physically with each other, which made both of us happy and comfortable with each other. But whenever we would be away from each other during the day at work or traveling away for work for few days, she was not available for me. My need for emotional fulfillment would come back at those times and make me unhappy. I expressed that to her sometimes but things didn't get much better in that aspect. We often had arguments and miserable times between us mainly caused by the fact that she wasn't emotionally available for me. There have been a few fights between us about the guys she would interact with for work and me questioning her about them whenever I felt she was hiding something. But still deep inside I always had that trust in her and her integrity. Those arguments made her think I was the jealous type and she would often not speak about any business meetings she would have with guys, but I was still cool after I find out later, just knowing that's her way of doing things.

All those bad times and arguments put aside, I unconventionally proposed to her and she agreed to marry me (even though I am yet to buy her a ring of her choice of diamond). Having the need to keep up with family traditions and making it official we got engaged in a grand ceremony in January.

We were happy and were starting to plan for our future together, and she getting to know the current financial situation on my side and my yet to take off business endeavors was quite unhappy with me few weeks after the engagement. Around the same time she started dealing with a new supplier/partner who was very flirty. I didn't care much about him, knowing her that she would know how to respond to him or act professional on her part, especially after the fact that we were engaged now.
But few days later, all by coincidence, I had a need to check the phone bill for some exorbitant charges, and with her cell phone being on the same plan as mine, i happened to go through her calls. I then noticed numerous calls and messages to that guy who was flirting with her that day and going through them in detail the timing of the communication and the number of calls and messages didn't seem very much like business. Hesitantly I told her about that a couple of days later after noticing them and also finding some change in her behavior in general(like her turning her phone away from me when we were together and she was checking or replying messages). After I mentioned it to her and initially though the topic went over how she was disappointed with me over the present financial situation and she having to challenge herself to improve the situation since she didn't think I was doing much, she said she would talk to the guy and tell him to be professional and she wasn't interested in anything else. But a couple of days later I still noticed her turning away her phone from me and her panicking when I was with her when she would get a message. Not able to keep up with her strange behavior and to put an end to the suspense I was facing, I logged into her phones messages remotely and happened to see all the communication between her and the guy. The guy was really flirting with her and sending her nasty and sleazy messages and even though she was more interested in work, she did not cut off his flirts and sometimes responded in a friendly manner, in a way encouraging him to flirt even more. The day after I had the conversation with her, she wasn't responding to him very well and seemed to be ignoring his nasty sleazy messages, and I felt very happy thinking that she understood how she made me feel and was trying to be just professional from then on. But end of the day I noticed that to all his messages she responded back to him with a picture of hers with her nephew taken earlier that day, with me cut off from it.
I just couldn't keep up with my anger at that moment and confronted her and told her that I was following her messages and what she just did makes me feel that she doesn't value the relationship and me the same way I value her and the relationship. I also said cheating doesn't always have to be physical. But minutes after my rush of resentment, I went to her and apologized to her for everything I said and asked her to tell me if she was being bullied or forced to act that way with the guy.

The problem after that, no matter how much I was wanting to resolve things with her and tell her how much I was hurt by her actions, she doesn't seem to understand me and is upset by the fact that I logged into her phone messages remotely and did not trust her. She then started telling that I was the jealous type and often make her feel very suffocated. She wasn't sure about proceeding further with the relationship but if we have to, she suggested we try to be friends living in same house and start to work on our relationship or do it while living separately.

I on the other hand suggested that either of those wont help or work with me, and that if we had to work on our relationship we do it while continuing the things the way before this happened, but further with a plan and understanding each others priorities, needs and wants.

Since she felt my love was at most times suffocating her, I said I would give her some space while I was going away on a 2 week international trip, and did so by writing her a letter telling how much our relationship meant to me and that I wanted to work things out with her and be happy and stronger moving forward, but if she didn't want to then I could just be her friend and wellwisher and help her the way I could and indicated that me going away could possibly be the last time I would kiss her as her relationship partner in case she decided not to proceed further after I am back. I felt she would understand my importance or maybe miss me and understand the importance of the relationship while I was gone, but the next day after I was gone she changed her phone number, and when I called she said she temporarily changed it while we figured things out. After reaching my destination, the one we had been to together few weeks back, I felt maybe a better way to work things out was to take a vacation again to the same place and asked her if she wanted to join me there for few days, and insisted she do so, but she was very bothered by it and angrily asked me not to bother her for some time. Being away from her and missing her I tried to text her and call her to tell her how much I was missing her and how badly I felt. I even text her and emailed her a lengthy explanation of how things happened between us and how I always perceived them, and even admitted to me being wrong in checking her texts and apologized sincerely. She hasn't been responding well to me and since yesterday I decided to leave her alone and try talking to her after I get back, giving her the space she needs until then.

I really want to get back with her, just hug her, feel her and tell her how much I love her. I feel even though I have always felt the void in emotional connection between us which made me unhappy many times, I feel I haven't done the best on my part to help her fill that void and there is a lot I can do on my part to make the relationship successful. I am not sure whats going on in her mind and if she wants to get back together or if she would see things the same way if we were back together, but the thought of not being with her makes me miserable. I want to do everything it takes and have thought of telling her that I will love her the way she is and not expect her to change anything in her and I really will make her happy and seeing her happy makes me happy and I am willing to compromise on anything to be with her even if she doesn't understand the fact that she hurt me with the way she communicated with that person, even though it was all for business and she had nothing in mind for anyone else.

I am really hoping for things to happen for the good of us both, and I feel us being together is good for either of us and I strongly feel I can put my best into the relationship and make it work and she might some day get to fulfill my emotional needs as well with the love I have for her.

I am not sure of the best way to talk to her and convince her, or even what to do next when I see her when I am back next week. I would really like some advice and views on this from everyone else out there. Sorry if some of you fell asleep reading this lengthy post.

buddy_rakesh is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 08:29 AM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 8,059
Re: Engaged! And problems!! Where do I go from here??

She is in an affair. It is likely only an emotional affair right now, but make no mistake, it will be consumated while you are out of town. Sorry, brother.

Her calling you controlling and suffocating, as well as needing space? She got exactly what she wanted and that is space to try out her affair partner.

Do yourself a favor. Even when she was not in an affair, she was not meeting your emotional needs.

End the engagement and let her go. Find someone more compatible, and with better morals.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is online now  
post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 08:34 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 5,523
Re: Engaged! And problems!! Where do I go from here??

She isn't into you. Be thankful that you aren't married yet.

Break off the engagement and look for another woman who wants you.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
tech-novelist is online now  
 
post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 08:44 AM
Member
 
Vinnydee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA, but longtime NYC boy prior to our move.
Posts: 690
Re: Engaged! And problems!! Where do I go from here??

I got engaged to my girlfriend after dating for 5 years. She cheated on me with a friend of mine 6 months before the wedding. I had no desire to get back with her. I could never trust her again and everytime she whispered into her phone or I was away on business, I would be suspicious of her and that is not way to live.

Second girlfriend who lived with me and had plans for our future was cheating on me a few times a month so I kicked her out. I am very fortunate that I did because I ended up meeting a woman who worships me and has been my wife for over 40 years. Don't settle with a cheater. A person's past behavior will tell you what to expect in the future. Don't waste anymore time on her. Find someone like my wife who has no interest in other men even though she can be with anyone she wants. She keeps turning down my offers to have a MMF threesome or date someone she likes. I offered her a buffet but she just wants one item. Lucky me.

Cheaters will always deny cheating even if she see them naked in bed with another guy performing intercourse. Their best weapon is getting gullible guys to believe that they drove her to cheat. It is your fault that she is cheating because of the way you treat her and make her feel bad about herself. Not wanting to lose the girl who gives you steady sex, men will grasp at any explanation that will make them feel that they can save the relationship and their sex life. It is scary to start over again, especially for guys who have had problems in getting a girlfriend.
Vinnydee is offline  
post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 08:52 AM
Member
 
See_Listen_Love's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: NW European
Posts: 1,954
Re: Engaged! And problems!! Where do I go from here??

Quote:
Originally Posted by buddy_rakesh View Post
I just couldn't keep up with my anger at that moment and confronted her and told her that I was following her messages and what she just did makes me feel that she doesn't value the relationship and me the same way I value her and the relationship. I also said cheating doesn't always have to be physical. But minutes after my rush of resentment, I went to her and apologized to her for everything I said and asked her to tell me if she was being bullied or forced to act that way with the guy.
I read untill there...your post is too long my friend. But at that point I thought...Here it is, you will be burned at the stake, and rightly so....

How is it possible! Have you no feeling of self worth at all??

She is enormously disrespecting you, and then after finally standing up, you get scared of yourself, and quickly bend willingly over to get your ass kicked!

Well, learn and get a better start of your next relationship! This one is irreparable. Because of you that is.
See_Listen_Love is offline  
post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 08:53 AM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 2,325
Re: Engaged! And problems!! Where do I go from here??

she's not ready for marriage.

because she doesn't comprehend the commitment, sanctity or mutual respect it takes to make a serious
relationship work long term. to love, honor and to cherish in good times and in bad.

she doesn't get that. and like the two posters above, it makes me sad for you, but it's the truth.
jorgegene is online now  
post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 08:56 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Southern CT
Posts: 58
Let her go. From my point of view, it sounds like you're too needy for her and she's too independent for you.

I would suggest you figure out why you are so needy and distrustful before you get into another serious relationship.

If I were her, I would have been gone no chance at reconciliation the minute I found out about the snooping in my personal accounts. I could never deal with that lack of trust.
theworkwidow is offline  
post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 10:27 AM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,299
Re: Engaged! And problems!! Where do I go from here??

End it now. She's not ready for marriage.
Posted via Mobile Device

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 10:40 AM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 8,059
Re: Engaged! And problems!! Where do I go from here??

Quote:
Originally Posted by theworkwidow View Post
Let her go. From my point of view, it sounds like you're too needy for her and she's too independent for you.

I would suggest you figure out why you are so needy and distrustful before you get into another serious relationship.

If I were her, I would have been gone no chance at reconciliation the minute I found out about the snooping in my personal accounts. I could never deal with that lack of trust.
Let's balance carefully needy versus listening to your gut when you know something is off.

You know, when you suspect something is happening and it is actually confirmed...

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is online now  
post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 09:19 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Orange County California
Posts: 2
Re: Engaged! And problems!! Where do I go from here??

Guys thank you all very much for reading and replying with your opinions.
Honestly, before posting here I was with the opinion that this forum is for helping and understanding with positive responses, but looks like everyone is pretty much narrow minded and one sided and instantaneously rash and judgmental not in the best way. No offense but this pretty much seems like the problem with the western culture, especially with issues in relationship, which makes it so easy to break up in a relationship whenever needed without thinking about the value for the relationship and long term commitments.

Now speaking about me and my fiancee, it might be right to the part that I have become needy in the relationship while she wants to be independent, but knowing her from all I have until now I think I understand her better than anyone else. She is really really passionate about her goals and work and this is possibly the main reason I fell for her in the first place. She pretty much is what I was before getting into relationship with her and after getting into the relationship, I guess my love became needy. Thinking back and looking back at her, she hasn't changed much, she is pretty much the same person I met 3 years back, the one I fell in love with. Only thing that changed, I guess we had taken each other for granted and did not work much on keeping the chemistry alive, it might be an issue on my part mostly with my busy work life. But after all I still trust her very much and have a great faith in her and I know for certain she wasn't cheating or intending to cheat, but just playing on for the benefit of her business. Now it might be debatable how correct she was in not valuing the relationship more than her work, and that was the question I had for her and the agony which led me to even check her phone. But thinking back on what I have put into the relationship till now, I probably was over expecting when I wasn't giving much into the relationship myself and just demanding her to keep giving, just for the fact that I loved her. Anyway, right now I still have great respect for her and love her a lot and I know she loves me a lot and we both cherish all our times we had together, and we both make each other stronger. But the way things turned out definitely messed up few things, and it is both of our duties to clean up the mess and moveup together and further. I am willing to give everything I can to make this relationship work, and hoping she would be too, just waiting to get back home and hug her and talk to her and put an end to all this misery and move forward happy and stronger. That's the feeling from the gut!!!

Again, Thanks everyone!!! And please pray for us to get back together and be happy together!!!!

buddy_rakesh is offline  
post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 09:39 PM
Forum Supporter
 
VeryHurt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: The Garden State
Posts: 3,343
Re: Engaged! And problems!! Where do I go from here??

My 30 year old son got engaged 4 months ago. He is not happy. I am close to begging him to break off the engagement or at least postpone it. Having someone who is emotionally compatible with you is vital. You have too many hesitations about her. I will tell you what I told my own son yesterday, things will NOT get better AFTER you are married.
This should be the best time of your life. In love. Happy. Joyous. Planning. Laughter. Do you have those feelings?
VeryHurt is offline  
post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 10:19 PM
Member
 
*Deidre*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 3,178
Re: Engaged! And problems!! Where do I go from here??

Quote:
Originally Posted by buddy_rakesh View Post
Guys thank you all very much for reading and replying with your opinions.
Honestly, before posting here I was with the opinion that this forum is for helping and understanding with positive responses, but looks like everyone is pretty much narrow minded and one sided and instantaneously rash and judgmental not in the best way. No offense but this pretty much seems like the problem with the western culture, especially with issues in relationship, which makes it so easy to break up in a relationship whenever needed without thinking about the value for the relationship and long term commitments.

Now speaking about me and my fiancee, it might be right to the part that I have become needy in the relationship while she wants to be independent, but knowing her from all I have until now I think I understand her better than anyone else. She is really really passionate about her goals and work and this is possibly the main reason I fell for her in the first place. She pretty much is what I was before getting into relationship with her and after getting into the relationship, I guess my love became needy. Thinking back and looking back at her, she hasn't changed much, she is pretty much the same person I met 3 years back, the one I fell in love with. Only thing that changed, I guess we had taken each other for granted and did not work much on keeping the chemistry alive, it might be an issue on my part mostly with my busy work life. But after all I still trust her very much and have a great faith in her and I know for certain she wasn't cheating or intending to cheat, but just playing on for the benefit of her business. Now it might be debatable how correct she was in not valuing the relationship more than her work, and that was the question I had for her and the agony which led me to even check her phone. But thinking back on what I have put into the relationship till now, I probably was over expecting when I wasn't giving much into the relationship myself and just demanding her to keep giving, just for the fact that I loved her. Anyway, right now I still have great respect for her and love her a lot and I know she loves me a lot and we both cherish all our times we had together, and we both make each other stronger. But the way things turned out definitely messed up few things, and it is both of our duties to clean up the mess and moveup together and further. I am willing to give everything I can to make this relationship work, and hoping she would be too, just waiting to get back home and hug her and talk to her and put an end to all this misery and move forward happy and stronger. That's the feeling from the gut!!!

Again, Thanks everyone!!! And please pray for us to get back together and be happy together!!!!
So she told you that she was letting a guy basically sext her for ''business purposes''...and you believe that?

It's good to be optimistic, but I think that you are too eager to get married it seems (in general), and you could very well be marrying the wrong girl.
*Deidre* is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome