Engaged! And problems!! Where do I go from here??
Me and My now fiancee, have been dating for the past 3 years, and living together for the past 20months and just got engaged a month and a half ago.
Even though I started dating her with no prospects of a long term relationship, and had a on again and off again relationship the first 6 months, things slowly changed overtime, and she one day said She Loved Me and I fell for her eventually and have loved her deeply since.
Before developing the feelings for her, I had a great admiration for her and her entrepreneurial passion, being an entrepreneur myself, but I knew she wasn't very capable of satisfying my emotional needs of a relationship partner, because of all her focus and passion being into her work. But soon I started ignoring that fact and got serious with her for all other good qualities and the strong affection and warmth we had for each other when we were physically with each other.
Her communication skills have always been bad and have improved very little over these years, and we have had few interests in common that rarely let us get actively involved in a conversation where we communicated effectively, or did anything together. I always wanted to have open communication with her, about everything, things relating to work, life, our plan for the future, about things she does and her interactions with other people, but we rarely had one, which led me to try to understand her and things going on with her through her facebook, emails, and once checking her phone. I probably had this insecurity inside of me that the reason she wouldn't communicate with me or tell me things because she did not want me to know them. But soon after realizing that there was nothing that she wanted to hide from me and that shes just not a great communicator, with me especially I took it easy and never checked any of her communications with others. I loved her and trusted her deeply, getting used to the level of communication between us.
We were always happy when we were together physically, and even though we did not talk a lot about things not relating to either of our businesses, we had that sense of attachment and togetherness being there physically with each other, which made both of us happy and comfortable with each other. But whenever we would be away from each other during the day at work or traveling away for work for few days, she was not available for me. My need for emotional fulfillment would come back at those times and make me unhappy. I expressed that to her sometimes but things didn't get much better in that aspect. We often had arguments and miserable times between us mainly caused by the fact that she wasn't emotionally available for me. There have been a few fights between us about the guys she would interact with for work and me questioning her about them whenever I felt she was hiding something. But still deep inside I always had that trust in her and her integrity. Those arguments made her think I was the jealous type and she would often not speak about any business meetings she would have with guys, but I was still cool after I find out later, just knowing that's her way of doing things.
All those bad times and arguments put aside, I unconventionally proposed to her and she agreed to marry me (even though I am yet to buy her a ring of her choice of diamond). Having the need to keep up with family traditions and making it official we got engaged in a grand ceremony in January.
We were happy and were starting to plan for our future together, and she getting to know the current financial situation on my side and my yet to take off business endeavors was quite unhappy with me few weeks after the engagement. Around the same time she started dealing with a new supplier/partner who was very flirty. I didn't care much about him, knowing her that she would know how to respond to him or act professional on her part, especially after the fact that we were engaged now.
But few days later, all by coincidence, I had a need to check the phone bill for some exorbitant charges, and with her cell phone being on the same plan as mine, i happened to go through her calls. I then noticed numerous calls and messages to that guy who was flirting with her that day and going through them in detail the timing of the communication and the number of calls and messages didn't seem very much like business. Hesitantly I told her about that a couple of days later after noticing them and also finding some change in her behavior in general(like her turning her phone away from me when we were together and she was checking or replying messages). After I mentioned it to her and initially though the topic went over how she was disappointed with me over the present financial situation and she having to challenge herself to improve the situation since she didn't think I was doing much, she said she would talk to the guy and tell him to be professional and she wasn't interested in anything else. But a couple of days later I still noticed her turning away her phone from me and her panicking when I was with her when she would get a message. Not able to keep up with her strange behavior and to put an end to the suspense I was facing, I logged into her phones messages remotely and happened to see all the communication between her and the guy. The guy was really flirting with her and sending her nasty and sleazy messages and even though she was more interested in work, she did not cut off his flirts and sometimes responded in a friendly manner, in a way encouraging him to flirt even more. The day after I had the conversation with her, she wasn't responding to him very well and seemed to be ignoring his nasty sleazy messages, and I felt very happy thinking that she understood how she made me feel and was trying to be just professional from then on. But end of the day I noticed that to all his messages she responded back to him with a picture of hers with her nephew taken earlier that day, with me cut off from it.
I just couldn't keep up with my anger at that moment and confronted her and told her that I was following her messages and what she just did makes me feel that she doesn't value the relationship and me the same way I value her and the relationship. I also said cheating doesn't always have to be physical. But minutes after my rush of resentment, I went to her and apologized to her for everything I said and asked her to tell me if she was being bullied or forced to act that way with the guy.
The problem after that, no matter how much I was wanting to resolve things with her and tell her how much I was hurt by her actions, she doesn't seem to understand me and is upset by the fact that I logged into her phone messages remotely and did not trust her. She then started telling that I was the jealous type and often make her feel very suffocated. She wasn't sure about proceeding further with the relationship but if we have to, she suggested we try to be friends living in same house and start to work on our relationship or do it while living separately.
I on the other hand suggested that either of those wont help or work with me, and that if we had to work on our relationship we do it while continuing the things the way before this happened, but further with a plan and understanding each others priorities, needs and wants.
Since she felt my love was at most times suffocating her, I said I would give her some space while I was going away on a 2 week international trip, and did so by writing her a letter telling how much our relationship meant to me and that I wanted to work things out with her and be happy and stronger moving forward, but if she didn't want to then I could just be her friend and wellwisher and help her the way I could and indicated that me going away could possibly be the last time I would kiss her as her relationship partner in case she decided not to proceed further after I am back. I felt she would understand my importance or maybe miss me and understand the importance of the relationship while I was gone, but the next day after I was gone she changed her phone number, and when I called she said she temporarily changed it while we figured things out. After reaching my destination, the one we had been to together few weeks back, I felt maybe a better way to work things out was to take a vacation again to the same place and asked her if she wanted to join me there for few days, and insisted she do so, but she was very bothered by it and angrily asked me not to bother her for some time. Being away from her and missing her I tried to text her and call her to tell her how much I was missing her and how badly I felt. I even text her and emailed her a lengthy explanation of how things happened between us and how I always perceived them, and even admitted to me being wrong in checking her texts and apologized sincerely. She hasn't been responding well to me and since yesterday I decided to leave her alone and try talking to her after I get back, giving her the space she needs until then.
I really want to get back with her, just hug her, feel her and tell her how much I love her. I feel even though I have always felt the void in emotional connection between us which made me unhappy many times, I feel I haven't done the best on my part to help her fill that void and there is a lot I can do on my part to make the relationship successful. I am not sure whats going on in her mind and if she wants to get back together or if she would see things the same way if we were back together, but the thought of not being with her makes me miserable. I want to do everything it takes and have thought of telling her that I will love her the way she is and not expect her to change anything in her and I really will make her happy and seeing her happy makes me happy and I am willing to compromise on anything to be with her even if she doesn't understand the fact that she hurt me with the way she communicated with that person, even though it was all for business and she had nothing in mind for anyone else.
I am really hoping for things to happen for the good of us both, and I feel us being together is good for either of us and I strongly feel I can put my best into the relationship and make it work and she might some day get to fulfill my emotional needs as well with the love I have for her.
I am not sure of the best way to talk to her and convince her, or even what to do next when I see her when I am back next week. I would really like some advice and views on this from everyone else out there. Sorry if some of you fell asleep reading this lengthy post.