am i a monster-in-law? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 03-29-2016, 04:11 PM Thread Starter
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am i a monster-in-law?

Hi.. Look, im not really a heartless person, im just trying to keep my sanity. Ive never been in my whole life felt so shaken, so broken, so feeling down for months.. or more like a year now actually.. this all started when I got married and stayed in my husband's home... when i was younger, i always dreamt of being married.. i have pictured my family life in my head since then.. a loyal and loving spouse, loving children, a nice comfortable home, me being the best wife and mother one can have and just a happy contented life.... simple wishes lng....
when i realized that i have met my lifepartner, i wanted to instantly get married.. i was so inlove... i was dreaming again, my pictured family life running in my head again...
one day, my partner told
me that one condition if we get married, his aunt will be living with us.. i was pretty fine with it because his aunt and i had a very good relationship, so i see no problem with it at all.. several friends would warn me that married life is really different if you're living with ur inlaws, that life is better if its just you and ur spouse.. hearing those, i always tell them, that his aunt and i are really good with each other(because we were), and i see no problem with that..... so when we got married, we stayed with her...
i was already happily pregnant when my husband and i got married...
months staying in there home, i was getting sad and lonelier... i missed my family very much... also i have this feeling of incompleteness that has beed shuddering me for months now...
i was not a happy wife.. i dont even feel like a wife back then...
a wife takes care of her family, i dont get to do that (she does), a wife cooks for her husband i dont get to do that(she does), a wife takes care if her husband, i have to share that with her, a wife takes care of her husbands things, she does it for him, a wife takes care of their home, she does everything..

what did i do as a wife then? aside from sleeping with my husband which rarely happens, i......... i get to sleep with him at night and the occasional dates...

when my husband is home, i dont even have his attention, he dont stay in our room, he would go out of the room because he wants to watch tv and talk to his mom... when my husband would travel, he would ask his mom to pack his luggage for him.. when his looking for things, he would ask his mom about them, when i cook, my husband would comment my mom does this does that.... the hell!!! i have talked to my husband about my sentiments but he keeps on reminding me that i have agreed with this setup when we were still not married and with his mom, his mom(aunt) is just being a mom (a mom who just wanted to help)..... its like i dont have a choice... i hate my husband very much for allowing me to feel this way..i hated him so much!!!!!!
i dont belong in that home, i dont even have a marriage, i dont even have a husband, i dont even have a family.!!!!

i was an outsider, i was a third party, i was just a mistress between my husband and his aunt!!

my life was getting sadder every month, i was hating my life in their home, i was getting mad angry at my husband everyday.... i was not happy.. not at all....

what did i had then that was really mine....? it was my baby growing in my tummy.... he was all mine... noone else was looking after his every need but just me... i also had his full attention.. my baby was the only one left keeping me sane that time.... i wanted to keep him all to myself.....

when i gave birth to my baby, all i wanted was to be the best mom for him,to be a supermom to my baby, i want to take care of him, i want to take care of his everything...

i wanted to give my baby the best of everything, i want to breastfeed him.. but sadly that became a struggle as my baby dont know how to latch... i was struggling to produce milk for him, i was doing everything just to increase my milk supply.. just to hear his aunt telling people that i dont have milk thats why my baby is on formula,.. pu#@!!!!!

since i was struggling with breastfeeding, i was afraid our bonding wont be that strong, so i was spending more more time with him, i want to be the one to carry him everytime he cries, i want to be the one to give him his bath(a week after i gave birth, i didnt ask for any help anymore), I want to be the one to give him his needs(comfort and food), i want to be the one to take care of his stuffs ( laundry and bottles), after all, he's all that I got in that house, he's the only one who needed me in that house...

i was getting annoyed with his mom because she wanted to feed the baby too, she wanted to do his laundry and bottles too... every morning, around 6:30-7am she would go to our room to check if baby is awake and insist that baby would get his morning son( like yeah, i know)... when its meal time for us adults, i dont leave until baby is asleep.. she would urge, sometimes it felt like shes actually forcing me to get out of the room and eat so she can look after my baby..

one day, she got fed up with me and went hysterical on me, packed up and left. my husband was out of the country that time.. i felt miserable that that had to happen when my husband was not around..

she told my husband that she felt that i didnt need her...
well, in fact, i really dont.. i was brought up by my parents to be independent and responsible..but i sure do know how to ask help IF i needed one..

she told him that she have never felt so insulted in her whole life, that stemmed when i told her frankly that i want to be the one to do my son's laundry..

she told relatives that she can rarely hold my baby, my gush, my baby was just turning one!!! why cant she just allow me to bond well with my baby first even just on the first month of his life!!

When that packing and leaving on the jet plane happened, i was left really devastated.. maybe because i havent fully recovered yet, the hormones was still up( was crying alone in the room for weeks that time), and i was a struggling new mom who havent rested yet for a whole month now...
that feeling of devastation eventually turned to anger, how dare she demands too much from me, why cant she allow me to enjoy my moment with my son, i just had him, not even a month yet!!!! how dare she destroy motherhood for me that early, she already had my roles as my wife now she wants to be a mother to my son now???!!!! i hated her!! i dont want to live with her anymore!!!

2 weeks after she went back and made peace with me, but things are different now.. im protecting my self now, my roles, and my family... i have set emotional boundaries between me and her and my family.. please dont get me wrong, my husband will be forever a son to her, and i wont even allow myself to break their relationship...
i owned up my responsibilities as a wife and a mother to our little family, protecting it with my life. .
2 weeks after, I moved out and stayed in my family's home..(our home was left empty when the tenants ended their contract), my family was not in the province either, so the house was empty. My mom asked me to stay in our home and bring my family, I happily obliged.
His aunt was feeling sad and depressed that we left, she felt alone even if she still has my brother-in-law staying with her. But sorry, I wanted to move out as quickly as I could. I really cant live with her anymore, I was not at peace at all.

Like I said, Im not heartless, I fee l sorry for her that we left her. But there's no turning back. Im free. I'm being a wife to my husband for the first time and a mother to my baby and our family. Dont get me wrong, the guilt of leaving her had kept me up at night for months! i am the reason why she's feeling sad now. But I cant allow myself to go back, I have waited for my family dream to come true.
And my husband's real mom understands me completely and agrees that its really better we live on our own.

Please help me understand.. am I a bad person for leaving her behind? I feel really guilty for being the reason of her loneliness. She actually still has lots of other families to live with, its just that she prefers to live her life with my husband...

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 03-29-2016, 04:18 PM
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Re: am i a monster-in-law?

No no no, you are not a bad person. Sounds to me like this was a grandmother who came in and wanted to take over. I have a few of those in my family and i struggle walking the fine line.

Truth is, the woman was crossing boundaries LEFT AND RIGHT. your room is your space. No one should enter without invitation. If you want to do your sons laundry that is YOUR right...

She went further than being helpful she was Bubby'ing in. To say she took over being a wife and mother is just SICK....if she was that is NOT okay. she did not know her place.

The only mistake you did was letting things go to the point of explosion. I know what its like to have a MIL like yours, she is not easy to talk to. I get why you took it as long as you did, but maybe in the future you will communicate your needs and wants more.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 03-30-2016, 05:18 AM Thread Starter
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I think she too had a picture of her own retirement life. She never really got married and never had children of her own, but my husband grew up with her. Its like my husband was her family, the one she would stay with until she dies. I understand that. But,us leaving together will not work anymore. Too much had happened that I am not comfortable having her around.
She isnt really that alone, you see, their clan are really close to each other. All living in the same neighborhood. She has a sister living alone too, not married and no children. But she said she doesnt want to live with her. My husbands real mom also offered her to stay in their home but she also had reasons to decline.
i feel sorry for my husband because he is caught in between. I never really let him choose between me or his aunt. I have arrived at a point were I was willing to give him up for her because she was really showing us she was depressed. But he wanted to be with me and my son though I know he feels really guilty for living his aunt. I think she really wanted to live with my husband and noone else.
its like my husband was obliged to be stuck with her forever. it means that we cant live in other places or we cant migrate to other countries because of her.
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 03-30-2016, 12:02 PM
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Re: am i a monster-in-law?

Sounds sick...and incestuous.... Just saying. The last paragraph. Please get your little family out of that toxicity.
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