Talk About Marriage (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/forumindex.php)
- Self-Help Marriage & Relationship Programs (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/)
- - I don't know what else I can do (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/32749-i-dont-know-what-else-i-can-do.html)
I don't know what else I can do
This is kind of lengthy, I'm sorry. I just kept typing and typing, trying to get the whole story out.
I have been married to my husband for 5 years, and we have a 6 year old daughter together. We did get married pretty young; we were both 19. Things to me have always been great. I love him just as much today as I did the day we got married, if not more. We have been trying to have another baby for a good 5 years now, and due to some fertility issues on my side, it hasn't worked out. We went to a specialist, got on some medication, I lost some weight. This is important for the end of my story.
About a month and a half ago, my husband decided to pursue another job. That's great. I'm so happy and excited for him. He's been stuck in the same dead end job he had when he was 16, so this is a big deal for him. The only bad part, is it's commission-based, rather than salary-based. That scares me. We can't survive on my salary alone. So, I had briefly (maybe not as much as I should have) talked to him about the possibility of moving to a smaller apartment. He thought it was a good idea, but we didn't really talk in detail. The next day, being who I am, and worrying about money, called our office and found a smaller unit in our complex. I called my husband, told him I was taking down the transfer fee, and he said okay. I gave them the transfer fee, and waited for him to get home so I could tell him the news.
He got home from work, and my daughter blurts out "We're moving! We're moving!" Okay..he wasn't super thrilled. I explained to him that I thought it was best. We'd be paying less rent, and in the long run, saving money. I also told him that I think we should find a more suitable home for our 2 dogs. We live in a small apartment as it is, and they are not small dogs. As soon as I said that, I wish I hadn't. His face went from pale white to bright red with anger in a nano-second. He was mad. So mad that he just left. Just grabbed his keys, and walked out the front door. I immediately thought that he had left for good.
He came home about an hour later, and was still pretty pissed. He said he couldn't find a home for the dogs, and I told him not to worry about it, we would keep them. To him, they are family. Then, he said one of the worst things I have ever heard. He looked at me and said "I know you love me. And I do love you, but I do not love you the same after this" It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on. I broke down and started crying. He didn't talk to me for a few days. I expected that.
Fast-forward 2 weeks, and he's still not talking to me very much, if at all. He hasn't touched me in 2 weeks, and I'm feeling lost and unloved. I told him how I was feeling. I told him how much I loved him, and why I did what I did. He wasn't mad about the apartment, the money, or even the dogs anymore. He was mad that I made a decision without him. Which I totally understand. We are a family, we make decisions together.
Fast-forward another 3 weeks, and here we are today. He's finally talking to me like he used to, and I think things are moving forward. He's still not coming anywhere near me though. I try to hug and kiss him, and he'll do it back, but only because I think he feels that he has to. I need him. He told me that he would never abandon our daughter, so a huge part of me feels like he's only around right now for her, and not for me. I need him to be here for me too.
Our main fertility issue was that I wasn't ovulating. Well, guess what happened in the middle of our biggest fight? I'm finally ovulating! After 5 years. I told him, and he seemed genuinely happy, and I thought we were going to make up and try to make another baby. I was so stupid to think that.
He told me no. He doesn't want to. He said that he hasn't wanted to do anything like that since our fight. I don't understand. That was a big part of our relationship, it's a big part of any relationship. Him telling me that he didn't want to at such a crucial time almost killed me. We sat down last night and talked about things, and I don't see where he is coming from. He doesn't want to hug me, or kiss me, or cuddle with me. When he comes to bed at night, he rolls over on his side, facing away from me and that's that. I didn't want to, but I asked him if there was someone else. Everything points to that. He's always texting people, he's not home anymore, and he basically won't come near me. He told me there was no one. I believe him.
I have cried myself to sleep almost every night since our fight. Most of the time, he's right next to me in the bed. The worst part, is it doesn't seem like this is affecting him in anyway. I'm emotional about it, and I cry everytime I think about it. He's just so..la di da about it. He walks around like it's no big deal. He actually told me things in his life are doing better right now! He has a better relationship with our daughter, his job is going better, he has more energy and just wants to go out and do stuff. I can't help but feel like he's saying his life is better when he doesn't have to be married to me. When he doesn't have to act like my husband. He said he doesn't want to leave, and he wants to work on things. I do believe him. But I can't sit here and not get any affection at all from him. I just can't. I need him to love me back.
I don't know what I can do. I don't want him to leave our home, and I don't want to leave. What can I do?
Re: I don't know what else I can do
If you believe your husband's story that this is not an issue of a EA or PA w/ another person then it may be just a matter of him feeling like there was a big trust violation. Men are obviously wired differently in these department and will effect us differently whereas woman will tend to me more emotional, men won't necessarily display, but we feel just the same. Trust me my spouse and I have dealt w/ this in the past and are dealing w/ it now.
If he is committed to you, your daughter, and your family, I suggest you talking w/ a professional (not forcing him, but recommending that it's what may be needed to make your situation better). Give him some time though, but not too much.
Stay true to yourself and your needs, and realize that it's not about controling or wanting to be controlled, but rather choices. You have them and so does he. Hopefully, you both can work towards choosing a life together.
|All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:45 PM.|