Can this actually save my marriage, or will I break first - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 10:19 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Can this actually save my marriage, or will I break first

I'm 34 and my wife is 33. We've been married for 6 years and have two wonderful little children.

I have always been reasonably happy with our marriage. There are a couple things about my wife that bother me (personality traits), but nothing worth even really speaking about. I think we are very good for each other and we balance each other out with our strengths and weaknesses.

About 3 months ago, the day before I started a new job, I found out that my wife had cheated on me with a coworker of hers. She works in the same room as this person for a couple hours a day. At first I was not willing to stand up and tell my wife what a terrible thing she did and how it's going to ruin our marriage. We saw a counselor once together. The counselor urged me to get mad and tell her how I feel, and I did right there. My wife agreed that she did want to work on our marriage together and that we would seek further counseling together. The night before the new counselor appointment, my wife tells me she doesn't want to try to save our marriage anymore. I was furious and really laid into her and kicked her out of the house. The next couple days, in which she spent at the other guys house, were really tense and I said some things that after cooling off I didn't mean. We agreed to try a trial separation. We spent one week pretty much completely apart, physically and no communication. It took a real tole on me and my kids. I didn't know if the benefit would outweigh the hurt to keep doing the complete separation. We agreed that we would try to be together a couple days a week for the kids. That week my wife had surgery and I needed to help take care of the kids so we ended up spending most of the week together anyway. The week after that I thought we were on the way to repairing our relationship... just the start (open communication, expressing feelings openly, etc...).

My wife did say that it was going to be extremely hard and next to impossible to separate herself from this other guy because they work together and he is going through some really rough stuff in his life (mother died of cancer, he may have it again too). I thought I could handle her working towards no communication and not breaking it off immediately (they work together, they have to communicate). They're both teachers so they wouldn't be seeing each other every day in the classroom soon anyway. Over this past weekend I started to become more and more agitated that she wasn't really making any attempts to stop communication. She was reaching out to him quite often, as if they were still good friends. This morning I told her I don't know if I can try much longer and that she's the one driving us to a bitter divorce. I think I actually had a panic attack after sending the message (numbness, hyperventilating, light headed, etc...) She says she loves me and I believe her. I spoke to my counselor and she says that she may love me but doesn't respect me. She said that need to let her feel how bad she needs to feel and that I should pretty much tell her I "release" her in a way. She said that it can have a pretty big effect.

We're going to start the complete separation again this week and she is going to start going to regular weekly counseling. We aren't going to communicate other than for scheduling and kids purposes.

I'm so afraid that I'll lose her. Does anyone have any experience with this kind of situation and how did you repair your marriage?

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post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 10:27 PM
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Re: Can this actually save my marriage, or will I break first

One thing's for sure, all this trial separating is doing is giving her more opportunities to be with her affair partner.

If you want any chance of saving your marriage forget about all of this "open feelings and communications" BS. You gotta man up and tell her it's either your way or the highway and stick to your guns.

Nothing happens at all in terms of possibly fixing this thing until she quits her job.
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post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 10:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can this actually save my marriage, or will I break first

She's actively looking for a new job. We can't afford to not have both incomes.

She is staying at a mutual friends house through our separation, not his anymore.


She's mentioned that she doesn't believe the relationship with him can last and that she knows it has to end. I think she's got some deep down depression or something that is causing her to make these terrible choices. I want her to figure some of that out before I would give her an ultimatum. My thought is, is if there is a chance for reconciliation, I have to try for it. I do love her and I feel like I have to try for that and for my kids. They deserve the best in life.

This whole thing feels so complicated I'm sure I'm leaving a lot out.
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post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 10:37 PM
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Re: Can this actually save my marriage, or will I break first

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Originally Posted by 2arebetter View Post
She's actively looking for a new job. We can't afford to not have both incomes.
You cannot afford for her to work another day with that guy.

Not if you want a chance at saving your marriage.
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post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 10:39 PM
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Re: Can this actually save my marriage, or will I break first

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Originally Posted by 2arebetter View Post
She's actively looking for a new job. We can't afford to not have both incomes.

I think she's got some deep down depression or something that is causing her to make these terrible choices. I want her to figure some of that out before I would give her an ultimatum. My thought is, is if there is a chance for reconciliation, I have to try for it. I do love her and I feel like I have to try for that and for my kids. They deserve the best in life.
I agree.

However, if a man had cheated on his wife in that way, you would see it as the man's responsibility to put it right. That is healthy in a relationship, people take responsibility for their own actions. Acting like this helps lift the minor depressions that people get in day-today life. Your wife cheated on you, you are the wronged one. A healthy relationship relies on both taking responsibilities and having healthy expectations of the other.

Recognising this, making it clear to yourself what you require from her if she is to recover this marriage will give her more chance to respect you.
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post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 10:50 PM
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Re: Can this actually save my marriage, or will I break first

Also, do not be afraid of losing her. That fear jepordises your marriage. It means you are co-dependent, not independent. If you are going to trial separate, take time of work, and have the time of your life.
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post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 10:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can this actually save my marriage, or will I break first

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You cannot afford for her to work another day with that guy.

Not if you want a chance at saving your marriage.
I've honestly strongly considered what I could do to get her out of that situation now. I thought about trying to talk to the principal to see if she could get them separated. I thought about contacting him directly, not sure what I would get out of that though. I guess I don't know if I can see her ruining her future employment at any other school in the area for one months time. I still want to consider what a future would look like for us if we could make it work. I guess I need her to find the strength to break this off face-to-face so that I know there isn't any "what if..." feelings later.

She's an adult, I can't actually "make" her do anything. I'm hoping that the separation from me and our girls hurts her enough that she will start to realize how toxic her life is with him in it. I think that would go further to prevent any future issues too.
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post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 10:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can this actually save my marriage, or will I break first

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Originally Posted by Mr The Other View Post
Also, do not be afraid of losing her. That fear jepordises your marriage. It means you are co-dependent, not independent. If you are going to trial separate, take time of work, and have the time of your life.
The new job I started was a contract position... without any vacation. I couldn't agree more that I need time away now, but I don't think I'd have a job if I took time off.
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post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 10:56 PM
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Re: Can this actually save my marriage, or will I break first

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The new job I started was a contract position... without any vacation. I couldn't agree more that I need time away now, but I don't think I'd have a job if I took time off.
Okay, your call. But if you can take a sickie and indulge yourself (sans alcohol), please do.
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post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 11:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can this actually save my marriage, or will I break first

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Okay, your call. But if you can take a sickie and indulge yourself (sans alcohol), please do.
Actually thought about being "sick" for half a day today. Wouldn't have been much of a stretch. I probably looked like a zombie after nearly losing my marbles after the message I sent my wife.

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post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 11:48 PM
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Re: Can this actually save my marriage, or will I break first

You are going to drag this out and hurt yourself more. Once this stuff starts, it doesn't get better. She's using the separation thing to bang the OM. She knows he isn't going to last, but is with him either way.
I do NOT think she loves you whatsoever. She shows zero remorse.
You will be begging and pleading for her to stay; it will only drive her away.
I'm just going to tell you the truth: you should talk to a lawyer and file for divorce. You don't have to finalize it, but letting her choose and you doing the pick me dance ensures she is gone. And that's great, because now you have a chance to find a woman who won't cheat on you.
Kids and money are excuses for you to dodge doing the obvious right thing and divorcing your cheating wife. I know it hurts. I've been through it. I can tell you that no matter what happens, nothing will ever be the same. You can't have the woman you married. She doesn't exist anymore. You'd be better off starting over with someone else.
I'm sure you won't. I know you don't like to hear all this--- it's true.
One last thing--- separations almost invariably lead to divorce.
I'm very sorry. I know you're hurting. I'd highly recommend some Zoloft. Go see your doctor and tell him you're having anxiety attacks. This will help. I know because I experienced them, too.
Good luck.
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post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 11:57 PM
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Re: Can this actually save my marriage, or will I break first

Start dating.
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post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-03-2016, 12:07 AM
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Re: Can this actually save my marriage, or will I break first

Just motivate yourself to do things that will make you happy or work out. Find friends and family to help with the emotional support.

Who knows, in the end you might not even want her back but the idea is to detach and gain your identity as you again. Also, do not live your life hoping that her affair fails or succeed, the goal is what you need to do to be fulfilled again. In the end, you do not know who she will pick, but also, you may remove yourself as a choice later on as you detach and the bond that drives you to her eventually dissipates away.

Think of love like an addiction. This one currently is bad towards your mental health due to the pain it causes. The more you interact with her, the harder it is to let go. You may fail, but eventually the fire will burn you enough where you will protect yourself against her. The bad news currently, your love or attachment is driving you to reconnect. Love has a level of obsessiveness to it and learning to be mindful when you feel motivated to reconnect.

As of now, she does either not fear losing you, thus she is not motivated to cut off the relationship or she is more in love with the other guy, then you are in second place. Whether she loves him more, or the culmination of his illness and the love she has for him, at present, it is stronger than the motivation she has towards you.

In the end, no relationship is guarantee to last and people change. The hard part may be recognizing that the current her is not the one you want and letting go of the past. When you associate with her, I am sure the past memories come up a lot. It will take time to associate this newer version of her that is before you. She may change or she may head more into the direction that ends the relationship. Again, in the end, the only person that is guarantee to be with you is yourself.

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post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-03-2016, 12:42 AM
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Re: Can this actually save my marriage, or will I break first

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
You are going to drag this out and hurt yourself more. Once this stuff starts, it doesn't get better. She's using the separation thing to bang the OM. She knows he isn't going to last, but is with him either way.
I do NOT think she loves you whatsoever. She shows zero remorse.
You will be begging and pleading for her to stay; it will only drive her away.
I'm just going to tell you the truth: you should talk to a lawyer and file for divorce. You don't have to finalize it, but letting her choose and you doing the pick me dance ensures she is gone. And that's great, because now you have a chance to find a woman who won't cheat on you.
Kids and money are excuses for you to dodge doing the obvious right thing and divorcing your cheating wife. I know it hurts. I've been through it. I can tell you that no matter what happens, nothing will ever be the same. You can't have the woman you married. She doesn't exist anymore. You'd be better off starting over with someone else.
I'm sure you won't. I know you don't like to hear all this--- it's true.
One last thing--- separations almost invariably lead to divorce.
I'm very sorry. I know you're hurting. I'd highly recommend some Zoloft. Go see your doctor and tell him you're having anxiety attacks. This will help. I know because I experienced them, too.
Good luck.
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I am sorry to say i, but I agree with the above post. You are in a fog, but this is bad.
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post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-03-2016, 07:57 AM
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Re: Can this actually save my marriage, or will I break first

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
You are going to drag this out and hurt yourself more. Once this stuff starts, it doesn't get better. She's using the separation thing to bang the OM. She knows he isn't going to last, but is with him either way.
I do NOT think she loves you whatsoever. She shows zero remorse.
You will be begging and pleading for her to stay; it will only drive her away.
I'm just going to tell you the truth: you should talk to a lawyer and file for divorce. You don't have to finalize it, but letting her choose and you doing the pick me dance ensures she is gone. And that's great, because now you have a chance to find a woman who won't cheat on you.
Kids and money are excuses for you to dodge doing the obvious right thing and divorcing your cheating wife. I know it hurts. I've been through it. I can tell you that no matter what happens, nothing will ever be the same. You can't have the woman you married. She doesn't exist anymore. You'd be better off starting over with someone else.
I'm sure you won't. I know you don't like to hear all this--- it's true.
One last thing--- separations almost invariably lead to divorce.
I'm very sorry. I know you're hurting. I'd highly recommend some Zoloft. Go see your doctor and tell him you're having anxiety attacks. This will help. I know because I experienced them, too.
Good luck.
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Aside from the zoloft I agree with this post as well. Mr Fisty explains it well too. One other thing to remember - an affair is NOT the disease, it is just a symptom of the disease. It is up to you to determine who has the disease, what the cause of the disease is and then cure the disease. Sometimes the only cure is removal of the infected tissue ie divorce, other times less drastic measures may work.

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Last edited by Ynot; 05-03-2016 at 08:01 AM.
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