I feel defeated in my relationship - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-03-2016, 11:02 PM Thread Starter
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I feel defeated in my relationship

hi all
I came across this website while trying to understand what is happening...i still have no answer and I feel I need to get this off my chest.

I've been in this relationship for more than three years, we live together, and I've been feeling defeated for a long time. I can't seem to be able to find that spark of happiness that I had before, at time I feel like crying or sitting in a room in the dark just staring and thinking about nothing.
we are very different ppl, almost opposite jobs, different work schedules, different friends and a few common interests. sex is non-existent, last time was I'd say a month ago and that's the average frequency of the past almost two years. I give her oral sex 90% of the times till the end and I can't even remember last time that it happened to me. she got mad at a couple of my friends and I ended up basically losing most of them and at one point she forced me to choose them or her. I started going out with other friends and that at least is ok...I am forcing myself to do more of what I like independently from her, this helps but still I can't seem to be able not to feel defeated. some days I'm sorta of happy and motivated but often I end up sucking it up, thinking that she has her problems and not say anything. the times I did say something the only result was just shouting and me upsetting her. I rarely get a goodnight kiss, making out is a memory...it's a romance-less relationship at the point that I just gave up, i don't really feel like initiating and I feel guilty...
to be honest I feel guilty about writing this post too...I ...I just don't know how to change things, sometimes I look myself in the mirror and tell myself that I'm a f****ng idiot, that I'm f*****ng my life up and that I disgust myself...and at times I can't disagree....I was used to fart rainbows but lately I feel like it's just s**t. don't take me wrong, I feel blessed in my life but I just can't seem to be able to do anything about this...

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-03-2016, 11:26 PM
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Re: I feel defeated in my relationship

You are not married. So why not end this relationship? The reason for dating is to see if the person is a good match for a long term relationship. This is clearly not a good match for you. So you should end the relationship.

Something else that I read in your post is a very deep sense of depression. A bad relationship can throw a person into a depression. A depression might be why you lack the motivation t leave a situation that is clearly hurting you.

One way to leave with you lack motivation is to "rip off the band aid". By that I mean just leave. Just go live somewhere else.. even if it's temp with family or another friend. Just get out of there and then get busy putting your life back together.

Another way is to give yourself a few weeks, start doing for yourself.. sign up at a guy and start workingout.. the best way out of depression is physical exercise. Also, get back in touch with your friends. Do things that you enjoy.. .do them without her. Once you start feeling stronger emotionally, leave.

So what's your plan?

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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-04-2016, 10:43 AM
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Re: I feel defeated in my relationship

You are WAY too wrapped up in this other person. You need to figure out how to be happy BY YOURSELF. There's no way you can be happy with someone else if you don't know what you yourself need to be happy.

Get out on your own and figure that out. Only then should you enter into another relationship.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-04-2016, 10:52 AM
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Re: I feel defeated in my relationship

I couldn't agree more with @EleGirl. To me, it sounds like you need to take care or yourself before you can think about making this work. For now, you need to let go, find yourself. If she comes back to you, she was really yours, if she doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be.

Best of luck.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-04-2016, 10:57 AM
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Re: I feel defeated in my relationship

@Bob34 How old are you?
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-04-2016, 10:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I feel defeated in my relationship

thank you all for the quick replies. @225985, I'm 34 .
@EleGirl...what's my plan?...I don't really know. however, something came up just before reading this post...I have random thoughts in weird places, I was just in the the shower and I was telling myself to try to approach this in a different way from what I thought so far (which obviously hasn't been working for me). I always wanted to "rip off the bandaid", take everything out at once...but I know myself and I probably would have gotten angry = no way I can effectively communicate. so, the other way I thought about is the opposite from becoming angry: start leaving her a note with a request for a night of dinner at candlelight, massage and sex, with a checkbox nxt to each one of them. I'll tell her how I missed sex (as wrote in my first post) and tell her that I need her help to get this back up...I'll try to do this note thing maybe once a wk...nobody can get angry with this approach...I think
in the meanwhile, yes, I have to keep also getting my personal life back together, see more of my friends and workout more at my own schedule.
if both things work and last, then we can work it out, if not, as @Annette Tush said, it wasn't meant to be....
thoughts?

Last edited by Bob34; 05-04-2016 at 10:42 PM.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-04-2016, 10:58 PM
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Re: I feel defeated in my relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob34 View Post
hi all
I came across this website while trying to understand what is happening...i still have no answer and I feel I need to get this off my chest.

I've been in this relationship for more than three years, we live together, and I've been feeling defeated for a long time. I can't seem to be able to find that spark of happiness that I had before, at time I feel like crying or sitting in a room in the dark just staring and thinking about nothing.
we are very different ppl, almost opposite jobs, different work schedules, different friends and a few common interests. sex is non-existent, last time was I'd say a month ago and that's the average frequency of the past almost two years. I give her oral sex 90% of the times till the end and I can't even remember last time that it happened to me. she got mad at a couple of my friends and I ended up basically losing most of them and at one point she forced me to choose them or her. I started going out with other friends and that at least is ok...I am forcing myself to do more of what I like independently from her, this helps but still I can't seem to be able not to feel defeated. some days I'm sorta of happy and motivated but often I end up sucking it up, thinking that she has her problems and not say anything. the times I did say something the only result was just shouting and me upsetting her. I rarely get a goodnight kiss, making out is a memory...it's a romance-less relationship at the point that I just gave up, i don't really feel like initiating and I feel guilty...
to be honest I feel guilty about writing this post too...I ...I just don't know how to change things, sometimes I look myself in the mirror and tell myself that I'm a f****ng idiot, that I'm f*****ng my life up and that I disgust myself...and at times I can't disagree....I was used to fart rainbows but lately I feel like it's just s**t. don't take me wrong, I feel blessed in my life but I just can't seem to be able to do anything about this...
try to reconnect with your old friends it will make you feel better...
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-05-2016, 07:05 AM
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Re: I feel defeated in my relationship

OP, I can relate to your pain. I agree that perhaps the best thing for you to do for you, is to rip the band aid off. That doesn't neccesarily mean you have to end the relationship. In fact she may end the relationship, so be ready. But regardless of what happens, you need to confront this head on. To not do so, will only make things worse for you.
Often times, we allow ourselves to be trapped by the idea that a relationship means subverting ourselves for the good of the relationship. We are called selfish when we think of our own happiness. But the reality is that every relationship should add to our happiness, not detract from it. Don't feel guilty about feeling selfish, there is a reason you feel the way you do and it isn't because something is wrong with you. It is because your inner self is telling you that it is not happy with things. Listen to your inner self and change things.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-05-2016, 08:44 AM
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Re: I feel defeated in my relationship

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Originally Posted by Ynot View Post
OP, I can relate to your pain. I agree that perhaps the best thing for you to do for you, is to rip the band aid off. That doesn't neccesarily mean you have to end the relationship. In fact she may end the relationship, so be ready. But regardless of what happens, you need to confront this head on. To not do so, will only make things worse for you.
Often times, we allow ourselves to be trapped by the idea that a relationship means subverting ourselves for the good of the relationship. We are called selfish when we think of our own happiness. But the reality is that every relationship should add to our happiness, not detract from it. Don't feel guilty about feeling selfish, there is a reason you feel the way you do and it isn't because something is wrong with you. It is because your inner self is telling you that it is not happy with things. Listen to your inner self and change things.
Same here, and Ynot is correct. Best to have these feelings now before you get married and have kids. If you have those feelings now, then get out. I wish I would have had those feelings early on instead of when kids arrived.
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