The Relationship Dynamic with us is incredibly complex, and I need help!
This is going to be a doozy of a post. I got a ton of stuff I need to get off my chest, and I hope the good people here at TAM can help me as I'm feeling lost with my marriage.
Background: I am 46, wife is 34, we have been married 1 1/2 years and been together 3 1/2 years. It was my first marriage at 44 years old. It is also her first marriage. Our parents are divorced, remarried , each of my two parents had 2 more children, we are all adults, my divorced parents get along fine now, since they have been apart 3x as long as they were married.
Now here parents are a little more complicated bordering on amazing and bad circumstances. Her mom and day had her, and her brother. Her brother is in the army, a pilot, act together, just recently divorced from his first wife of 6 years. She was a total mean *****, and no one like her. Here brother is solid, does not wear his heart on his sleeve, hard to read, even harder to get to know. My wife is the older sibling by 3 years, she is super sweet, too sweet, nice to everyone, even people that are not nice to her. She is pathologically sweet. Now her parents, when they were married both abused alcohol in a very big way, raging alcoholics, still are to this day, and it's amazing they are still alive both her parents are around 60. Her dad is fun loving, a tad cranky, a major alcoholic, and just divorced his second wife(she cheated on him.) He co-owns his own business, and lives in an apartment above it, while he works out his next place is life. He comes from a huge family, has 24 cousins, one of his cousings he 'hooked up with' in his early 20's. After his last marriage failed(his wife cheated on him) he got on facebook and found this 1st cousin again and is seeing her although it's long distance they live 2000 miles apart. Her dad is generous, but in complete denial of his substance abuse. He is also addicted to Tramadol from a back injury, likely drinks about a 5th of bourbon every day and takes tramadol, hates my wife's mother(his 1st ex) b/c she is selfish and lives with a deadbeat guy that does not work and leeches off of her. I'll get to her Mom in a second.
So her parents divorced when she was 25, and she was devastated. She had already graduated college and moved away, but it was still devastating. My wife and her Mom never recovered from her Dad's initiated Divorce, and mom still loves Dad, even though she's been in a relationship with another man for 10+ years.
They both still live in a tiny town, she stays on her side and he on his. Well the divorce between them was Jerry Springer as it gets. Her parents are married, they play golf and hang out with other people and drink too. They friended a younger couple, and eventually were spending more and more time with them. Then the wife of the other couple made a pass at my wife's dad, and they started having an affair, which lead to her parents divorcing, and the twist is, that after the divorce, my wife's mom hooked up with husband of the lady that cheated on him with her dad. Yeah true story.
So my wife's mom is not shacking up with the xhusband of his xwife, who is now dating my wife's dad. Well one thing leads to another and there are major fireworks over this situation. In that time of the cheating scandal, my wife's brother went and joined the military, and got married at the age of 24 to a 20 year old and moved outside of area. My wife was already living outside of area, but being the nice person she is, she trys to comfort her mom, and her mom, just drags her in to the whole divorce, and gives her a super hard time about hanging out with her father, because of what her father did to her mother. Her mom was brutal, and b/c of the way my wife is, she went pretty mental and her and her mom have had a terrible relationship to this day. Her mom, every chance she gets, berates her for everything. Quite frankly I think her mom does it because my wife has a lof of the same mannerisms of her Dad, and her mom possibly subconsciously picks up on that. Who knows. But now 10 years later, the Dad finally divorces the lady, while the mom is still stuck with her deadbeat xhusband.
Now my wife's mom, not only has bereated her wonderful daughter, my wife, for the last 10 years, but my wife allows it which brings me great frustration since her mom is the epitome of a toxic person, on top of that both her mom and her mom's boyfriend(never got remarried) are both raging alcoholics and drug abusers.
My wife is nothing like her mother, and is more like her dad, but she is patholigically nice to everyone, even to her mom that still behaves like a jerk to her, all while telling all her friends she loves her daughter and can't understand why her daughter doesn't want to spend more time with her. Jerry Springer stuff!!
So in the beginning I met my wife and she was so nice and sweet and really still is, based on the crazy circumstances of her life to date. Except she also has drinking problems and raging PMS. She has low self-esteem, is very self-conscious and has major trust issues. She is very clingy and can't hold down a job, and overall she's kind of at a crossroads in her life. When we met a few years ago, she told me the story about her parents on the 2nd date, and I was like a deer in headlights. I always wondered why she would tell me something so personal so soon, but I guess she wanted to go full disclosure. But I had no idea the dynamic until I started to go through it with her. It's gut wrenching and very very hard. Not to mention any visit involves alcohol and drug abuse on both sides of the family, and hateful comments about the ex parents. Usually more from the mom than the dad. But her dad cheated because her mom was and still is a controlling, and super selfish mom. Her mom was not supportive of her even on her wedding day. Her mom has always been me me me.
My wife does everything for everyone else, but I do see her dark side, which no one else does, the side of her that scares me, the mean drunk...
In other developments I'm not perfect, I suffer from social anxiety, and because of it the poor relationship between her parents upon visits makes me out of my mind. It's been getting worse and I find myself not respecting my wife or her parents. My parents are both divorced, more spouse's, more kids, all adults now but no drama at all. My wife's side of the family is a trainwreck and as much encouragement I give her to not spend too much time with her substance abusive parents, she still does. It's a damn shame really.
So now what's the latest development? My wife wants to get pregnant sort of, sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't but all her friends have kids and now she's starting to turn on the heat. We've been trying on and off for the last year and half with no success so I finally went and had a fertility test. It came back zero. No sperm. I was pretty devastated, so was she. Now she wants to have all kinds of tests, lots of money, and our insurance is not great, we also have huge deductibles 11k together, and I'm a little wishy washy on spending all that money and bringing them into this crazy family dynamic.
So last night she gets drunk, we get in a big fight, and she's been gone all day. We are both basically self employeed and work out of the house and do not have healthy time away from each other. Now that all the pressure is on my shoulders to 'get fixed' so we can have a baby, I'm trying to figure out if this is best for me and us. When my wife sits around all the time and says I don't think I'd make a great mother(which is not true) it's hard for me to want to spend thousands of dollars and get pregnant.
I love my wife, and I would miss her, but I feel like everything's on my shoulders and I'm not sure if it's a good way to go with getting pregnant.
Any advice on any of these topics is welcome I realize this is a book , but I've never gotten it off my chest.
thanks for reading.