Cannot reconnect to make things right - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-14-2016, 12:27 AM Thread Starter
joi
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Cannot reconnect to make things right

I am feeling so lost with no end in sight. I read so many posts on this site about cheating, emotional abuse etc...
My husband are kind to each other but it is superficial. There is no emotion or love or intimacy. We have attempted counselling and even have a workbook to use. But he makes no effort and no time for us and working on us. We can't even find 5 minutes to be together and be loving.
I'm at the end everyday.
Example today ... His day off with our daughter. Me coming home after dinner. Ask him if he could get our daughter to bed on time (8ish). Came home...kids all playing outside, at bedtime and then, let's all just relax as a family and watch a movie. No me and him time at all. I finally say something about be kind of sad about not finding time for each other and it's all excuses about 'we need family time instead' it's like he avoids me.
I can understand because I want to talk about us. And he doesn't. He just thinks things will be better and things will disappear.
He said he wants me to find time for 'me'. I don't get it. I can barely find time to get home and just 'be' let alone time for us??
Arg...it's so challenging and I feel so defeated. Usually I blow up and or get emotional and then he says he will try more and harder, but doesn't.
We have seen an emotional focused therapist. Does anyone have experience with this type of therapy?
What do you do when your partner just doesn't want to communicate and try to make things better?
I feel like it's all me and if I can just suck it up and not say anything it might be better but thin I feeling like dying inside.

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-15-2016, 02:52 AM
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Re: Cannot reconnect to make things right

Unfortunately you're trying to get something from your husband that's obviously he's unable to give you. I think he has a point about replacing your focus from him to you. You're asserting too much pressure on him and it is making him anxious and unsure. Maybe he feels threaten he will be unable to fill your needs. Time for you to relax and do as he says take some "me" time. Find something outside the family you enjoy doing. Something that is creative. Take a course, get some "girl" time with your friends. Whatever it is I'm very sure he will support you and help look after the kids. You sound rather rigid in your expectations and he's very relaxed in his that could be part of the problem too. I assure you once you find a creative release in your life and take the focus off him there could be more intimacy between y'all. Hope this helps.


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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-15-2016, 10:12 AM Thread Starter
joi
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Thanks for the reply.
I sometimes just need unbiased dialogue. As a female my head spins out of control...too many thoughts to control.

I know that I push hard...I have to find it in me to be loving to him first and hope that he can reciprocate. He calls me icy and cold a lot and usually it's because I am wanting loving reactions from him. It's a classic, give to me and then I will give to you.

last night we had what finally turned out to be an okay talk...it involved a lot of silence, tense words and then finally crying. He gets so 'clouded' when we talk and even said he doesn't want to talk to me because it's all problems and negative. He is unwilling to find the positive though. I find he just avoids me.

Is there any one out there that has experience trying to work through a marriage book. We have one from our MC and my husband has only made time to read 1 chapter. I'm up at chapter 5. I think it's a good tool because it give topics to discuss and will have me less pushing the topics. We have a MC but time and schedule are very hard to meet. This is why I think we need the book.

My other question is how do you work on lowering expectations and not get frustrated inside? I know I have expectation but I'm not a princess at all...just organized and good time managed.

Thanks again for responding.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-15-2016, 10:22 AM
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Re: Cannot reconnect to make things right

You are definitely focused on blaming your husband for you not being happy.

What's led to this? What's the background?

A man doesn't come home from work wanting to be "intimate" every day. It's got to happen naturally. Do you give him a back rub? Does he rub your feet? Do you guys have sex?

Where's all this constant need for emotional support coming from?

Why are you so danged unhappy? I think you should start there, first.

You can't force someone to give you what you need. They've got to want to. You're pushing your guy away by your needy, clingy behavior.

At least that's what it looks like with zero context.

There will never be a man that makes you happy. You have to be happy on your own. If he's kind to you, what more do you want? What can you do on your end to get that?

I can tell you one thing: calm down and don't scare him every day.

Oh, and btw, I can see you're hurting. Tell more so we might be able to give better advice.
If you're wanting intimacy and he says you're always icy /cold---- you are FOR SURE doing something wrong.

Good luck. Hope you make some progress.
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-15-2016, 10:23 AM
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Re: Cannot reconnect to make things right

Your husband sounds like a responsible father and kind man. Its good he helps out with the kids and wants to spend time with his family. Some men are not good at sharing emotions or being open in that way. My husband is like that. He will do anything for the kids and I but we can't do the hand holding or activities that seem emotional in nature. He will however come with me to walk the dog, we go out for dinner etc. Maybe do something just the two of you that involves him doing something as well as talking so its not so threatening to him. A hobby just for you is great too.

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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-15-2016, 10:38 AM
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Re: Cannot reconnect to make things right

Just want to say/--

You are needing some closeness, emotional give and take, etc. Do you need him to tell you he loves you more? More intimate sex? Alone time?

You've got to tell us idiot men what you need specifically. We honestly don't know lots of times. He sounds like he wants to give you what you need, just doesn't know how.

If he's not trying, stay gone for a couple of weeks. He will most assuredly start trying then.

Why are you guys ha ing all this trouble? Why MC?
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-15-2016, 11:21 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks all...the comments have been great...got me good and reflecting.
Today was quite a good day for us. Briefly talked about being grateful and were warm and affectionate. Need to make it happen tomorrow. One day at a time.

To answer the question about our history. In short form
Married for 14 years. 1 child. We are usually good to each other. He went for counselling years ago for depression and anger. As we grew up we grew apart. I'm the introvert, breadwinner, organizer ... Add emotional/anxious one too. He follows his heart for his work (doing good right now), he's the extrovert and more free spirit, not so responsible for household/financial elements of our life. It's a bit of role reversal in our relationship.

The mc has been to learn better communication...we are seeing an emotional focused therapist. I like the teachings and we have seen like glimpse of it working for us.

The other comment about 'when he comes home...foot rubs ect' Neither of us do this to each other. It's a two way street and neither of us are willing to drive up first sometimes. This is where I think I need to do better. Be the first one...even though i am not a traditionalist. we both work in physically demanding jobs and both need the foot/back rubs. Also, women want to feel that love too. Sex is infrequent sadly.
I have many times said to my husband 'I need your love' I need you to grab me tight and hold me and tell me everything will be okay.' Be brave. He says 'I can't remember what you told me to say'

I'm am focused on the positive and looking forward to the rest of our evening. One day at a time.

Thanks again all.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 10:31 AM
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Re: Cannot reconnect to make things right

You're not really paying much attention to what anybody is telling you. You're still putting all the responsibility for your needs onto your husband. " I have many times said to my husband 'I need your love' I need you to grab me tight and hold me and tell me everything will be okay' Ge brave.

He says "I can't remember what you told me to say" What are you doing? He's not a dog to be trained. Why don't you listen to what he's saying? He's totally lost and confused. You're cold and unloving because he doesn't respond the way you want him to.

Why don't you stop trying to change the person you're husband is? Why can't you love and appreciate the man he is? You CANNOT change no one but YOURSELF! That's why I suggested you need to do something for yourself and stop focusing so much on your husband to fill a need that only you can fill. You need to love yourself more and stop picking this poor man to death! Of course he's avoiding you. Who wants to be around someone who is always critical and negative.

You said you're focusing on the positives. Why don't you focus on yourself change your behavior and love the person you married!



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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 10:59 AM
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Re: Cannot reconnect to make things right

Most men aren't comfortable with talking about relationships, especially negative parts that need fixing. My husband is the same way. How about showing him what you need. Be the first to give foot rubs, back rubs, hugs and kisses. Why aren't you having sex more frequently? Do you reject him, he rejects you or neither one of you desires it? I'm sure the lack of sex plays a part in you two not feeling close to each other. Start initiating in the bedroom. Men love that. It makes them feel desired. You can't change who is so don't try. Keep focusing on the positive parts you love about him and your relationship. Don't focus so much on the negatives.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-17-2016, 11:02 AM
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Re: Cannot reconnect to make things right

I think he's afraid that if you have that talk you're going to dump him.

I mean, I would be thinking that.

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-28-2016, 06:30 AM
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Re: Cannot reconnect to make things right

I've experienced this in my marriage and what I've come up for me is that if it's important to him he'll make the time. People say a lot with their actions. You're putting up all the effort while he's not so my advice is to do you. Find yourself and let the relationship rest if he wants to work at it let him do some work. I had to learn to focus on me and stop being so needy for his attention and now that he is realizing this I'm in resentment -ville and am over it.

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