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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 05-22-2016, 02:05 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Marriage advice.....

My husband an I have been married for 6 years and for 4 of them we were so happy!!He was such a kind, genital, loving man. He even adopted my two kids. Then 2 years ago everything changed....He got an opportunity to own his own business. This required up rooting our family and moving 6 hours away, also he would be working the graveyard shift and I would have to find something in the day time so that we could still some what co-parent. Well it wasn't long till I felt like a single mom. We see each other 2-3 days a week sometimes less. All the household chores and other responsibilities fall on me, lets not forget either that I also work 50+ hours a week. So of course I'm to tired to come home and make love heck by the time my day and chores end I'm lucky to get 5 hours a sleep. I tried to talk to him about this 6 months in to it and he completely shut me out. So fast forward till 9 months ago. I found out that he had been watching porn. This was hard for me. Not because I think porn is horrible. But because he was hiding it from me. He said that he watched it because he felt like he did not get enough from me. Then he told me he wanted to be completely truthful with me and said that he had been meeting his guy friends almost everyday after work for drinks then coming home and going straight to sleep. Of course this pissed me off because when do I get my down time .... never! Its literally the end of the world to him if I ask him to do anything around the house, with the kids or the dogs. I always thought that he was slacking because he was to tired boy was I wrong. My argument to this was maybe if I wasn't living like a single parent I would have energy to spend on pleasing my husband. Needless to say I thought that we worked it out and he promised that there were no more secrets. I moved my work schedule around so that I could get more time with him, let some of the petty house work go and we made love almost everyday for a long time. It was great!!! Then I find the pills.... lots of different pills to make you last longer in the bed, even some to make you get hard. Of course that made me feel insecure about myself and when I tried to talk to him about it he just blew up at me. So again I let it go.....then I find 5,000 dollars the he had hidden away from me. keep in mind now that through the winter months his business wasn't doing to well and we struggled to pay our bills much less put food on the table. All the while he was stanching money He told me that he was just doing it to see how much he could save which is a lie I am more responsible with money then he ever has been. Anyway then about 4 weeks ago I noticed that there was a loan account linked to our on line banking for 10,000 dollars. He just up and bought this freaking house boat without telling me anything. Turns out he was saving this money to go with the loan to buy this thing all along. So now he is at his house bout everyday and is even more distant then ever. He is always gone with his friends and his family is never invited. All the other guys wifes and kids go.. I don't understand. I feel like me and the kids are just in his way of his party guy life. When I try to talk to him about it he says that he dosent care how I feel about anything anymore. He told me that it is his trun to do him and he was gonna do whatever he wanted and if I didn't like it I could leave. His new saying is love it or leave it. He has completely changed, he is now this money hungry, materialistic, cold hearted person that I cant stand. He told me just today that if I felt like crying I needed to go into the other room because he didn't have time for that BS! I'm so lost . I love him so much and he was so great in the beginning. I just keep asking myself is this a midlife crises thing... he will be 30 this year and when I turned 30 I went through a little one, or did all this money change him? Or did I just not see that his was truly him I was married to the whole time?

There are lots of other details that I left out but this is the just of it. I have a good life... money wise. We have nice cars , nice home, me or the kids never need or want for anything but I would traid that all in just to have my husband back. Am I crazy should I just let him be this ass and cator to him so that I can continue this lifestyle for my kids or should I walk away? People tell me everyday to get a distraction and use him for his money but I don't think I can do that. So here we are I make way less money then he dose and that would mean a major life style change.....

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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 05-22-2016, 09:37 PM
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Re: Marriage advice.....

Wow he doesn't sound too wonderful, Have you asked him why you and the kids are not invited when others have wives there?



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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 05-22-2016, 10:25 PM
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Re: Marriage advice.....

This happened to me. With my ex.

His own business, HIS toys...boat, camper, trips, etc... Me and kids not invited to go and when I made a stink about it I was just being petty and stupid. It just got worse and worse.

I went to marriage counseling, invited him but he declined because I was the one with a problem. It was good for me....counselor told me pretty much what I already knew, but needed to hear. She said that I felt powerless because I felt unheard. (So true!) She said since he wasn't concerned about the relationship, and absent from the family that actually I had all the power I needed. She said to set a mental time limit, figure out if I wanted to stay living like that or get a divorce. I mentally gave it a year, and continued working on our relationship with what little I could do.

I too was a single mom. I instituted family night. My 5 kids were all teens at the time and not thrilled. I invited ex to join us (f-ing ridiculous to have to invite him to join his own family)....he declined every time. Sometimes he said he already had plans "maybe next time"....and sometimes he'd say he was too tired and would be in bed when we went out, but gone when we got back. Nice.

Anyway....of course there is a lot more to this story, but after about six months he left. He actually SNUCK out. The pathetic part is that I didn't notice he was gone for 3 days. That's the day he came in while I was working and took his alarm clock.

It's ok tho.... more than ok. The peace and calm that fell over the home was awesome. It was the best thing he could have ever done. We talked after that....he wanted to "explain"....excuses and bs. He was just done being married, too much hassle with the kids, the house is a mess, etc... I was mostly pissed, because the house wasn't a mess and he never lifted a finger anyway. The kids were a hassle, no male role model (or worse, a crappy male role model), but he didn't help me address any kid issues. He talked at one point about taking the boys with him. Hilarious! He wouldn't know what schools they even went to, who their doctor was, who does what...he didn't know them at all.

I did think that he would be a decent weekend daddy, which is more than what they had. Because he likes to be the "good time guy". That didn't happen. He just stayed gone. 10 minutes away, but gone. He'd call and ask if I needed money about once a month and I'd always say "Yes, I do. It's child support. I need the amount we agreed on." Nothing was on paper, but I went online and figured out how much to ask for considering what I thought he would give....it worked out alright for about a year. I also got a roommate....another single mom who was in dire need of a place to live. A sort-of friend. Not the ideal situation, but doable.

He was a PITA about the divorce. It was a few years before I filed, did it all myself had to have him served because he never returned any of the paperwork I sent him. Didn't need a lawyer because we had nothing to divide. We had no issues about anything... we'd been separate long before we actually split!

He told me in "our talks" about how I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and he loved me. I just told him that his way of showing love really sucked. Over is over. He just didn't want it anymore.

I've since remarried and moved 1100 miles away. I invited all of my kids to move with me, but they were "so grown" they didn't need their mom. About a year later, they all moved here. My H is wonderful, our teamwork is just right, I am happy with my life, and the influence he brings to my kids and now my grandkids.

They talk to their dad when they fell like it. But they looooooooooooooove their mom! They know who was the sane parent and who ran away. I never trash talked him to them, and I still don't. There is so much that they don't know. They are going to his wedding this summer.... they told me, Dad is marrying Sally (I've met her) I just said, Oh no poor Sally. That is probably about the meanest thing I've said in front of them. I don't glorify him, I just say nothing unless they ask.

Sooooooooooooooooooooo....... I've been there. I would suggest conseling to him. And then go anyway when he turns you down. I'd quit talking about the relationship, it's on your mind but it's just a lesson in frustration if he is rejecting everything. I would start figuring out how to make it without his income. I'd quit relying on him for anything. I'd quit expecting him to be involved or around. I'd make plans and go whether he agreed to come along or not. Plans with the kids, or a night out with others, or by yourself....all of the above actually. I'd start planning on how to increase my income and downsize my bills. I'd start keeping track of financials and titles for all marital property, start doing the homework...reading up on divorce in your state and figuring out HOW you can do it alone if you need to.

It's all doable. And....it gets better. Find a support group....in real life, not just online (altho those help too! That is how I met my H!)
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