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post #16 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 12:38 PM
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Re: Online hall pass

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Originally Posted by peterrabbit View Post
I guess in my mind, obviously trying to justify this, how does this differ from viewing porn ,reading erotic books, talking to guys about sex or going to strip clubs? If boundaries are set and identified, anonymity is maintained, and it's revealed to my spouse, is there a difference? Most people at one time or the other fantasize about someone other than their spouse to boost their sexual excitement, isn't this wrong too?
This is unforgivably naive.

Strippers are in it for your cash, and they don't care about your unmet needs or fulfilling them beyond maximizing their payout.

Porn, generally speaking, doesn't afford any personal interaction between the viewer and performer(s), and even when it does, you're still operating within the aforementioned stripper framework (minus the potential for physical contact, of course).

At some point, operating within whatever arbitrary boundaries you initially agree upon isn't going to cut it for one or both of you (the other person being your EAP), and it probably won't take that long to get there. And when that happens, your wife is going to insist that you stop.
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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #17 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 12:50 PM
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Re: Online hall pass

It might start off that way, but it won't end that way. These things never end 'well.' Just sayin
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post #18 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 01:07 PM
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Re: Online hall pass

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viewing porn ,reading erotic books, talking to guys about sex or going to strip clubs? If boundaries are set and identified, anonymity is maintained, and it's revealed to my spouse, is there a difference? Most people at one time or the other fantasize about someone other than their spouse to boost their sexual excitement, isn't this wrong too?

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You are emotionally attached to this online person. None of those others example, even if you try to drop in webcams, are going to be used with the same effect.
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post #19 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 02:40 AM
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Re: Online hall pass

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Are you totally 100% sure you're corresponding with a woman? There are all kinds of oddballs out there pretending to be women or pretending to be something very different from what they are.
One minute you're doing the cyber nasty with Glissinda the Troll under The Bridge of Souls and the next you find out it really was that fat old guy in Facilities Management named Steve Patterson.
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post #20 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 11:28 AM
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Re: Online hall pass

The warnings about where this might lead are worthwhile and should be heeded. You will have to exercise more than just a little bit of extra caution here - but as long as your spouse is kept as fully informed as she wishes and is on-board, you don't need our permission.

If at the end of the day you're both happier with this new arrangement, who are we to tell you it's wrong?

Last edited by Cletus; 06-29-2016 at 11:52 AM.
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post #21 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 11:52 AM
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Re: Online hall pass

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It might start off that way, but it won't end that way. These things never end 'well.' Just sayin
Sometimes they do, and sometimes they end in divorce - which sometimes IS ending well.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #22 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 12:57 PM
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Re: Online hall pass

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Talking leads to texting, texting leads to sexting, and sexting leads to sex.


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If only this worked in high school. Well, if I had texting in high school.
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post #23 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 01:30 PM
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Re: Online hall pass

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... she instead said she trusts me and understands. She went on to say if it satisfies my dirty desires and we keep it anonymous and if it keeps her off the hook for naughty sex she's ok with it.
and there's the problem. instead of working with you to come up with some sort of compromise for a good sex life within your marriage, she basically told you to jerk off to this woman and "keep her off the hook".
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post #24 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 01:39 PM
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Re: Online hall pass

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Since your issue is sex drive not emotional attachment to your wife, I don't see this as really solving your problem while it at the same time is introducing a very dangerous emotional threat to your marriage.
I agree with Thor that this is not a good solution. Has your libido always been mismatched or did this develop over time. How often do you have sex now? I am a bit disturbed by the seemingly apathetic response of your wife to say that it's ok to do that stuff to get you off her back. It's like your desire to be physically affectionate and connect is meaningless to her (or even an annoyance). Maybe I am projecting some of my own situation here, but a spouse that isn't driven to make their partner feel happy and fulfilled (as a high priority, if not top priority) has a problem themselves. I disagree with some of the other suggestions. I think you should consider marriage/sex therapy. I am in a sexless marriage now so I understand the frustration. You have to be very open to her and talk to her in a firm and respectful way expressing your expectations of love in marriage.

--- Begin Rant (feel free to not read) ---

The thing that bothers me about people that become low desire during a relationship is that they never seem to accept the responsibility of essentially severing a path of emotional connection. They stop being affectionate and sexual and expect the other partner to remain committed to the relationship without the connection. It's cruel. This is probably controversial, but I believe that she has broken your wedding vows by depriving you (her partner) of that emotional connection. What happened to Love, honor and cherish?

--- end rant ---
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post #25 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 02:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Online hall pass

In the beginning we were pretty much inline on sex drive. But after our children were born she began to change. Her attitude is do whatever you need to do just don't bother me with it. She still allows me have sex with her but i need not expect her to get excited which leads to an emotional disconnect even in a passionate moment. I love my wife dearly but I'm tired of waiting for her to change in this area. Every other area of our relationship is great just not where sex is involved. We've been down the doctor route but no change. I know this is a dangerous and taboo topic, that's why I'm sounding it here. I thank everyone for the thought provoking responses.

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post #26 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 02:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Online hall pass

I might add, it easy to judge someone harshly when you've never walked in their shoes

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post #27 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 02:32 PM
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Re: Online hall pass

I think this is one of those things where she says it's ok...but it's really NOT ok. She'll use this one day to say that you're having an EA. This is definitely a path that you don't want to go down.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"

Last edited by jb02157; 06-29-2016 at 02:53 PM.
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post #28 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 02:48 PM
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Re: Online hall pass

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and there's the problem. instead of working with you to come up with some sort of compromise for a good sex life within your marriage, she basically told you to jerk off to this woman and "keep her off the hook".
This ^

Never mind what you're doing, worry about the fact that she's ALLOWING you to do it. That's telling of your marriage, right there, as well as her true feelings for you.

Years and years ago, my ex wife blindsided me by saying I can go get oral sex from other women - and she meant it. There was nothing "trappy" about it. (long story, but she had TMJ, jaw issues, and could not perform oral sex on me. I literally never even complained about it. So I was not sure where it even came from).

Well, guess what? This was during the beginning part of her affair, which eventually ended our marriage. At the time, I had no idea of course, but in retrospect, the timelines matched up well. It came at a time where she no longer gave a crap about such things, even though we were still having sex. But when you disconnect from somebody, as she did, there is no longer even a tiny bit of jealousy - she just didn't care. It was also some sort of justification for what she was embarking on.

I am not AT ALL suggesting OP's wife is having an affair, but she HAS disconnected from him.
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post #29 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:19 PM
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Re: Online hall pass

I have a different take on this. It may be very bad advice but...on the caveat you are completely open and honest with your wife it may be a very healthy thing. The problem is you haven't really given any real details as to how the relationship with the online woman is shaped. So whether it is healthy for your marriage or not I would say 'it depends!'. It depends on your own responses to this situation (are you someone who easily gets caught up or obsessive? Or are you someone who can easily compartmentalise and detach themselves when needed?). It depends on where she physically lives (does she live on another continent or country where there is little chance of a physical relationship developing?).

If you are talking about sex and sexuality with your online friend then I actually consider that a healthy thing if all parties are happy. If you are having an EA with this woman then you will find it very difficult to spend time away from her - it is more than just sex talk. Why not try a period of not contacting her and see how it feels? If that is a difficult thing for you to do then you should consider your own ability to detach when needed and proceed with caution.

Nobody can judge you with the very little information you have given.
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