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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 06:54 AM Thread Starter
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Online hall pass

I'm a little confused here. Let me start by saying I'm a high sex drive guy married to a low, very low sex drive woman. I love her tremendously and have for over 25 years. My wife has tried to match my desires but I've come to the conclusion she can't change anymore than I can. The problem is I'm always pestering her for sex and in ways she's uncomfortable with.this has resulted in many fights over the years.
A while back I met a person online in the in the same boat. We can chat about our frustrations and desires freely without being judged. I don't know their name, where they live work etc. The problem is it's a woman I've been chatting with. Feeling guilty I told my wife about the chats, offered to let her read them, she already has my password. Thinking she would not approve she instead said she trusts me and understands. She went on to say if it satisfies my dirty desires and we keep it anonymous and if it keeps her off the hook for naughty sex she's ok with it.
By definition this could be an emotional affair but my question is can this be healthy for my marriage or will this ultimately be bad?
BTW she said she has no interest in reading the chats and don't feel like I need to discuss them with her

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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 07:51 AM
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Re: Online hall pass

It sounds as if permission is granted to have an open EA for satisfying the sexual desires you are missing in your relationship... but can it stay there healthily is the question. If you choose to go this way and get emotionally embedded in such and she does have problems, you will possible struggle releasing yourself from it in which you open yourself to lies and deceit to continue... there is nothing healthy about this.

It's a rabbit hole you are going down and reasonable to see once you start this path getting lost will become easy... I think your wife sees the lesser of two evils here, arguing .vs you expressing your frustration elsewhere without seeing the dangers of becoming emotionally dependent on someone other than her.

This will cause more suffering that you can see... sharing this with another is a very bad path.
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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 07:52 AM
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Re: Online hall pass

If your wife is okay with it, you can stay within the boundaries she has set, and it lessens your frustration, then all is good. However, if it increases your frustration or further highlights what you're missing in your marriage, then you should stop.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 08:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Online hall pass

The problem EB is she doesn't want me sharing these things with her, I've had to bottle them up for years which leads to frustration and resentment. If only she would be open to this area in my life, i wouldn't be here.

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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 08:45 AM
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Re: Online hall pass

Are you totally 100% sure you're corresponding with a woman? There are all kinds of oddballs out there pretending to be women or pretending to be something very different from what they are.

Anyhow, yes I think this is very dangerous to your marriage. You will develop an emotional attachment to this other person, and it will take away attachment to your wife. Since your issue is sex drive not emotional attachment to your wife, I don't see this as really solving your problem while it at the same time is introducing a very dangerous emotional threat to your marriage.
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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 09:03 AM
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Re: Online hall pass

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Since your issue is sex drive not emotional attachment to your wife, I don't see this as really solving your problem while it at the same time is introducing a very dangerous emotional threat to your marriage.
This^^^^.

@Thor is right. How is an online EA going to help with lack of physical sex? Do you plan to up the EA by you j***ing off during the text or email exchanges? Then you will need to up the thrill by exchanging real names - initially only your first names. Then it will escalate. You will not be able to contain it.

Three acceptable choices:
1) Divorce
2) Anti-depressant to lower the libido
3) Just accept it.

That is pretty much it.

Last edited by 225985; 06-25-2016 at 10:47 AM.
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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 09:16 AM
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Online hall pass

I fear for you peterrabbit my friend, should you least turn into Br'er Rabbit and this is your Tar-Baby... that she doesn't want to hear it anymore may be she is simply saturated with the situation.

I too am in the same place with LD/HD as you many years... well over 12 now. I could easily share it every 1-2 days and her 1-2 weeks, but there are a lot of factors in that. I am not aware of your ages nor your intimate frequency but both require a balance... if I wanted greater distance I would harass and complain, if I wanted closer and more quality I would not transfer my frustration to her but build a more productive outlet to not let it master me while sharing the love and desire in subtle ways.

I flirt with my wife daily... not obnoxious or crude statements or actions, but gentle reminders that last the week so that come the weekend, it has been transferred to her mind and I may be as quickly invited in as often as I invite.

Come to think of it, this is but one of areas that lead an introduction of understanding, I am still learning a decade later to master much more.

नमस्ते 🙏

Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 06-25-2016 at 12:16 PM.
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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 09:41 AM
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Re: Online hall pass

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Originally Posted by peterrabbit View Post
I'm a little confused here. Let me start by saying I'm a high sex drive guy married to a low, very low sex drive woman. I love her tremendously and have for over 25 years. My wife has tried to match my desires but I've come to the conclusion she can't change anymore than I can. The problem is I'm always pestering her for sex and in ways she's uncomfortable with.this has resulted in many fights over the years.
A while back I met a person online in the in the same boat. We can chat about our frustrations and desires freely without being judged. I don't know their name, where they live work etc. The problem is it's a woman I've been chatting with. Feeling guilty I told my wife about the chats, offered to let her read them, she already has my password. Thinking she would not approve she instead said she trusts me and understands. She went on to say if it satisfies my dirty desires and we keep it anonymous and if it keeps her off the hook for naughty sex she's ok with it.
By definition this could be an emotional affair but my question is can this be healthy for my marriage or will this ultimately be bad?
BTW she said she has no interest in reading the chats and don't feel like I need to discuss them with her

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Peter, I'm one of those who really doesn't indulge much...or put much stock in... in psychobabble... b/c I've come to realize that it's just a way to justify one's behavior by somehow "Normalizing" it with a catchy yet totally ineffective adjective. So, for me, there's no such thing as an "Emotional affair". You're either faithful to your wife (and therefore yourself) or you're not. If you and she can't resolve the sexual desire discrepancy and you've given yourself permission to relieve yourself with a like minded person ANYWHERE then you're not being faithful. To put a finer point on it, you could easily gratify yourself and take care of those needs, no other person required, thru masturbation. Yours isn't just about sex drive, it's about the emotions that accompany rejection. The danger is that you're not just addressing your sexual drive with this other person, you're engaging in a highly personal dialogue which by definition stirs emotion..which should be btwn you and your W.. Uh, oh...

I think you and your W need to discuss the emotional part of your unmet sexual needs and see if the two of you can come up with some other way of dealing with it, what you've got isn't working, and your plan here..with or without her knowledge..isn't going to address the underlying issues, and is actually playing with fire.

If you need to "Just talk" with a like minded person about your feelings, please, find a good psychologist. It's much safer to explore those feelings there, and instead of some vanilla support that comes from an online stranger you can sorta identify with, you might be able to actually come up with strategies to fix the real problem.
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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 09:42 AM
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Re: Online hall pass

Talking leads to texting, texting leads to sexting, and sexting leads to sex.


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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 11:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Online hall pass

I guess in my mind, obviously trying to justify this, how does this differ from viewing porn ,reading erotic books, talking to guys about sex or going to strip clubs? If boundaries are set and identified, anonymity is maintained, and it's revealed to my spouse, is there a difference? Most people at one time or the other fantasize about someone other than their spouse to boost their sexual excitement, isn't this wrong too?

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post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 11:56 AM
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Re: Online hall pass

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Originally Posted by peterrabbit View Post
I guess in my mind, obviously trying to justify this, how does this differ from viewing porn ,reading erotic books, talking to guys about sex or going to strip clubs? If boundaries are set and identified, anonymity is maintained, and it's revealed to my spouse, is there a difference? Most people at one time or the other fantasize about someone other than their spouse to boost their sexual excitement, isn't this wrong too?

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IDK, I don't do porn or read erotic books or go to strip clubs. And my guy talk to limited to which women we think are hot and would sleep with (theoretical only).

" If boundaries are set and identified" Ha. You sound just like last month's thread on this topic. Too bad you missed that one.

You are making a fantasy into a reality.

And yes, if when you are screwing your wife but thinking about the young hot blonde coworker in order to boost your sexual excitement, that is wrong too.

My initial reaction is that your thread is so far out there you must be a troll, but we have seen this type of post before, so I do not think you are a troll. That is unfortunate for your wife.

ETA: BTW, if you had an EA, you would know how destructive they are, even without the sex.

Last edited by 225985; 06-25-2016 at 12:06 PM.
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post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 12:02 PM
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Re: Online hall pass

How would you feel if she were to have an EA? She has as much need of it as you do, as she is unhappy with how things are between you also.

I never think it is a good idea to invite another person into your marriage.
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post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 12:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Online hall pass

Thanks for all the input, I fully expected to get beat up on this post. You've given me a lot to consider, that's why I posted the question

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post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 12:07 PM
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Re: Online hall pass

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How would you feel if she were to have an EA? She has as much need of it as you do, as she is unhappy with how things are between you also.

I never think it is a good idea to invite another person into your marriage.
This.

And if you're both seeking refuge elsewhere, why be married?
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post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 12:37 PM
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Re: Online hall pass

Once again, it's all about sex...
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