I know what to do, but not how - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:25 PM Thread Starter
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I know what to do, but not how

Hi, this is my first post here. Anyhow I hoping someone can give me personal insight and advice if they have been in a situation similar to mine. I've have been with my husband for almost three years and only married for 9 months. I'm 30 he's 42. I come from a history of failed relationships, filled with betrayal and abuse. These are the relationships I not only witnessed all throughout my life, but have experienced first hand. When I met my husband, I was in an extremely toxic, but short relationship that involved both physical and emotional abuse. I left the toxic relationship and jumped right into the relationship I am in now- first mistake. My husband has been so good to me in so many ways, and has done so much in our short time together to show how much he loves me and my 9 year old son (previous relationship). We now have an eight month old daughter together, and I fear that she is the only thing keeping us together. I have turned my husband into someone he is not- an angry, miserable person. When we met, he was so incredibly happy, healthy, and positive. I was hoping it would rub off on me. While he is not perfect, I cannot seem to find it in myself to extend the trust and respect to him that he so freely gives to me. I have caught him in lies about the stupidest things, and he fails to tell me things that I think are important. I believe that he is scared to be honest and open with me because he doesn't know what kind of reaction he will get. Instead, I snoop and constantly question him about anything and everything. From early on, my only request from him was complete transparency. I felt like I gave that to him, and he ended up violated my trust more than once. Instead of forgiving him like most normal people might, I constantly made him feel horrible for making a couple of mistakes. My insecurities, fear and need for control are ruining my marriage and pushing him away. I am in a constant state of worry and am unhappy more often than not. I am lying to myself and to him when I tell him I will stop with the interrogation and day long silent treatments, so he will give me another chance. I want my marriage to work. However, I feel so out of control and that the problem I have is so much bigger than me. There are so many other issues going on, but I just want to get to the point. How do I forgive myself, truly forgive him, and make my marriage strong? How do I pull myself out of the bad habit of not trusting others, that I've had my whole life? Am I just fooling myself by thinking I can actually fix the damage I have caused? He is completely over giving me chances, and he honestly believes that we may need to go our separate ways. The scary thing is that I know I am sabotaging us out of fear. I understand that marriage has ups and downs, however I am in a very destructive pattern. Does anyone have a similar, dysfunctional and rather unfortunate mindset when it comes to relationships and were you able to fully pull yourself together and give your spouse a real chance?

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:30 PM
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Re: I know what to do, but not how

Have you tried therapy? I recommend individual counseling for you and marriage counseling for the both of you. Individual counseling should be your top priority.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 04:28 PM Thread Starter
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Yes, we went to marriage counseling and I was doing individual counseling as well. It has been awhile though, and therapy is something we should probably revisit.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 05:47 PM
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Re: I know what to do, but not how

OP,
I am perplexed. You Indicate that you want to save your marriage and that you are cognizant of the damage you are causing and how. Why do you not simply stop doing those things? Are you somehow possessed and unable to control your own will? If that is the case then nothing we or any counselor may say will alter your behavior.

It really is up to you to control your destructive behavior and to hold yourself accountable. You can only affect change to you, your ability to change others is extremely limited. So understanding that what do you hope to accomplish by constantly "snooping" on your H. Are you of the belief that your snooping will somehow make him not cheat or cause him to "walk the straight and narrow"? If that even had a possibility of succeeding it would only be accomplished by coercion.

Would you not rather have someone who is faithful and dedicated because of their feelings for you and not their fear of your wrath? Which, by the way, is never ultimately successful. So the decision is yours. Do you allow your H to be the man he is or do you try to force him to be a "good man" out of fear of what he may do otherwise?

In reality, you have no control over the man he is inside despite what you may think. If he is a good man then that is what you must let him be. If he is not there is little you will accomplish by "snooping" and harping and suspecting. I would adopt an innocent until proven guilty mindset and realize that if you sorely determined to find fault you will no doubt find some, even in the most stalwart among us. Therefore I believe it to be prudent to allow yourself the benefit of the doubt and allow your H the same. It is unwise to borrow trouble and if your current behavior destroys your marriage then it would have actually been your H who should have been concerned about your activity rather than the other way around. Consider it.

Peace and long life
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 09:19 PM
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Re: I know what to do, but not how

Here is a link to a article to hopefully help you see your husband in a different light.

Unbearable Lessons - The Forgiven Wife

Author has quite a few articles on dealing with getting rid of baggage before it ruins your marriage.
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 09:30 PM
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Re: I know what to do, but not how

Sounds like you could use some individual counseling, and maybe eventually marital.

And paragraphs
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 09:32 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Sounds like you could use some individual counseling, and maybe eventually marital.

And paragraphs

Sokillme, you are right lol. I'm still new to this and read another comment where someone suggested paragraphs on another forum. I will do better next time !
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 09:33 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by FrazzledSadHusband View Post
Here is a link to a article to hopefully help you see your husband in a different light.

Unbearable Lessons - The Forgiven Wife

Author has quite a few articles on dealing with getting rid of baggage before it ruins your marriage.

Thank you for this link. I am absolutely going to check out the articles.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 09:35 PM
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Re: I know what to do, but not how

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Originally Posted by D1920 View Post
Yes, we went to marriage counseling and I was doing individual counseling as well. It has been awhile though, and therapy is something we should probably revisit.
Why did you stop? Yes, you need to get back to IC right away if you can afford it. Even if you cannot afford it, the cost of IC is a lot cheaper than the cost of divorce, since you are headed that way again.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 09:35 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by NoChoice View Post
OP,
I am perplexed. You Indicate that you want to save your marriage and that you are cognizant of the damage you are causing and how. Why do you not simply stop doing those things? Are you somehow possessed and unable to control your own will? If that is the case then nothing we or any counselor may say will alter your behavior.

It really is up to you to control your destructive behavior and to hold yourself accountable. You can only affect change to you, your ability to change others is extremely limited. So understanding that what do you hope to accomplish by constantly "snooping" on your H. Are you of the belief that your snooping will somehow make him not cheat or cause him to "walk the straight and narrow"? If that even had a possibility of succeeding it would only be accomplished by coercion.

Would you not rather have someone who is faithful and dedicated because of their feelings for you and not their fear of your wrath? Which, by the way, is never ultimately successful. So the decision is yours. Do you allow your H to be the man he is or do you try to force him to be a "good man" out of fear of what he may do otherwise?

In reality, you have no control over the man he is inside despite what you may think. If he is a good man then that is what you must let him be. If he is not there is little you will accomplish by "snooping" and harping and suspecting. I would adopt an innocent until proven guilty mindset and realize that if you sorely determined to find fault you will no doubt find some, even in the most stalwart among us. Therefore I believe it to be prudent to allow yourself the benefit of the doubt and allow your H the same. It is unwise to borrow trouble and if your current behavior destroys your marriage then it would have actually been your H who should have been concerned about your activity rather than the other way around. Consider it.


You make some very valid and important points. It is my fear of losing control, and in the process I am losing more than that. I appreciate your honesty and do agree that the right approach would be to just allow him to be who he is without being under a microscope. It's a bit more complicated than just stopping all together. It's a bad habit, a stronghold, that I must break.

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 07-01-2016, 01:34 AM
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Re: I know what to do, but not how

You say you fear losing control. The thing is, you only control one, single thing, and that is your own behaviour. You cannot control your husband, your marriage, or your life really, just how you react to those things. Currently, by your own admission, you are reacting poorly at the moment. The good thing is, you've recognized that. The better thing is, with recognition, you can exert your agency, and start choosing different actions. You can use your brain to overpower the immediate, emotional reactions that are ruining your relationship. You say it's more complicated? How so? Is it because of past experiences? He is not those others who have hurt you. Here's the thing, you don't really get the good stuff in life without making yourself vulnerable to others. If you refuse to be vulnerable to those closest to you, you are going to suffer anyways, so you might as well do an about face, and march right into vulnerability if you trust your husband even a little bit. You likely need to start talking. Openly and honestly with him. You've demanded complete transparency from him, but have you extended the same to him? Are you honest and transparent with yourself even? A few authors that might benefit you are Brene Brown, John Gottman and partners, Sue Johnson, and Michele Weiner-Davis.
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