I know what to do, but not how
Hi, this is my first post here. Anyhow I hoping someone can give me personal insight and advice if they have been in a situation similar to mine. I've have been with my husband for almost three years and only married for 9 months. I'm 30 he's 42. I come from a history of failed relationships, filled with betrayal and abuse. These are the relationships I not only witnessed all throughout my life, but have experienced first hand. When I met my husband, I was in an extremely toxic, but short relationship that involved both physical and emotional abuse. I left the toxic relationship and jumped right into the relationship I am in now- first mistake. My husband has been so good to me in so many ways, and has done so much in our short time together to show how much he loves me and my 9 year old son (previous relationship). We now have an eight month old daughter together, and I fear that she is the only thing keeping us together. I have turned my husband into someone he is not- an angry, miserable person. When we met, he was so incredibly happy, healthy, and positive. I was hoping it would rub off on me. While he is not perfect, I cannot seem to find it in myself to extend the trust and respect to him that he so freely gives to me. I have caught him in lies about the stupidest things, and he fails to tell me things that I think are important. I believe that he is scared to be honest and open with me because he doesn't know what kind of reaction he will get. Instead, I snoop and constantly question him about anything and everything. From early on, my only request from him was complete transparency. I felt like I gave that to him, and he ended up violated my trust more than once. Instead of forgiving him like most normal people might, I constantly made him feel horrible for making a couple of mistakes. My insecurities, fear and need for control are ruining my marriage and pushing him away. I am in a constant state of worry and am unhappy more often than not. I am lying to myself and to him when I tell him I will stop with the interrogation and day long silent treatments, so he will give me another chance. I want my marriage to work. However, I feel so out of control and that the problem I have is so much bigger than me. There are so many other issues going on, but I just want to get to the point. How do I forgive myself, truly forgive him, and make my marriage strong? How do I pull myself out of the bad habit of not trusting others, that I've had my whole life? Am I just fooling myself by thinking I can actually fix the damage I have caused? He is completely over giving me chances, and he honestly believes that we may need to go our separate ways. The scary thing is that I know I am sabotaging us out of fear. I understand that marriage has ups and downs, however I am in a very destructive pattern. Does anyone have a similar, dysfunctional and rather unfortunate mindset when it comes to relationships and were you able to fully pull yourself together and give your spouse a real chance?