thethingis

My fiance and I are in our late 20's we have been in a relationship for 3 years and are getting married next summer. I believe we have a very healthy relationship, and good communication skills. I come from a conservative loving family, that I maintain a very closer relationship with. She comes from a non-traditional family in which her mother raised her for the first 8 years of her life and then her step dad adopted her around age 8. She has no relationship with her biological father. We have lived together for approximately 1 1/2 years. We shared our virginity with one another 6 months after we began dating. I truly believe that through supporting one another, we can pursue a more fulfilled and happier life then if we continued life separately. I love her very much.

The issue that we are currently dealing with which leaves me feeling frustrated and helpless involves a pattern that keeps resurfacing. Here is how it goes. She brings up something about what I am doing that makes her feel as though I don't value her or love her, usually something very basic and seemingly from my perspective not hurtful (ex. me preferring to spend time some time alone in the evening reading in the living room, rather than going to bed with her, or me not being interested in her work life or other passions). What generally winds up happening is that we talk over what is going on and why she is unhappy with the situation and then eventually we get around to the heart of the matter which is her difficulty in receiving love from me. After these conversation I try other ways of communicating that I love her (ex. making a point to spend mornings with her before work, being more involved with the things she is excited about), but inevitably something else happens and we have another 2 hour conversation which eventually leads to the same issue that she has a hard time receiving love from me.

She attributes this difficulty to her childhood and having never really received love from a father figure. She has always desired a deeper connection with her step father but has never really had one. She sees her relationship with her step father and love from him as being a result of her step fathers love for her mother. In other words Her step father did not choose her he actually choose her mother and was by default left with her. The concern is that she is now expecting me to not only be her husband but also to fill the hole of a missing father figure.

At this point she says that the easiest way that she receives love from me is through sex because she has never shared that with anyone else.

I know that she is capable of a being a strong and independent women that is what I was initially attracted to about her. We are stuck in a circle in which she becomes more dependent on me to fulfill a need that she has that I feel incapable of meeting. When I feel as though she is clinging to me and becoming dependent on me for her emotional stability, I get uncomfortable and have a desire to pull away.

She has tried to talk with a therapist, but that approach was very awkward and unhelpful for her. Right now she has been reading love letters that her biological father gave to her mother leading up to her birth and is hoping to connect with her biological father before our wedding next summer (I'm not sure if reading the letters is helpful?)

We seem to have the same conversation over and over, and it seems to leave us in the same unresolved space.

I am looking for outside help, she is also desires a resolution and is open to exploring any options.

I would be very grateful for any wisdom that people might have regarding our situation. I know others have dealt with similar issues, what has helped? Is there a good self-help book that could walk us through this issue? Can someone recommend a councilor (we are in Portland, OR) that could speak to this specifically?

Thanks so much for your time

that_girl

I suffered the same shet. Abandonment issues. It's not you, it's how she feels from her father. It can run deep. I do suggest therapy. I've been in it for 4 months now and it's done wonders for my marriage. Good luck!

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john1208

Help her contact her father, and do whatever it takes to make sure they speak regularly. Of course it might not go that smooth, the father might not be a great guy, and if he's not, support her. But if they contact and stay in touch, there's the source of the problem right there. I agree that couple therapy is another option. If you're spending at least 2 hrs a night with her and she's still upset, there's not too much else you can do, dont be mean, but if you need time for yourself you have to take it. Also, idk if you'd want to feed a problem like that. Iow, if you give her what she wants( which is a void), it may get worse. Aknowledge her, be nice, and then do what you were doing. As long as you're already playing your part(spending time with her), AND being understanding, you really are doing everything you can.