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post #16 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 03:19 PM Thread Starter
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All the incidents happen while we were all drinking in a group section. It seems easier to just blame it on the booze, but a huge part of me knows that it stemmed from somewhere.

Do I let him know what I'm thinking and that I got outside opinions? Or just wait until therapy?

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post #17 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 03:36 PM
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Re: Need help asap

"Soul" mate....nah.

He is showing you the "Sole" of his dirty boot.

You are still in the Honey Moon stage of your marriage, and he does this crap.

Honey turns to vinegar if contaminated...enough.

You are both young. HE needs to mature. I hope he does so...and enough...soon enough before he puts that same boot in his mouth.

Then he will force your hand.....no, your mind to let him go.

Good luck. This can go either way.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #18 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 03:43 PM
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Re: Need help asap

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Originally Posted by Moosriel View Post
All the incidents happen while we were all drinking in a group section. It seems easier to just blame it on the booze, but a huge part of me knows that it stemmed from somewhere.

Do I let him know what I'm thinking and that I got outside opinions? Or just wait until therapy?
Yes, alcohol can make an Azz out of most anyone. It lowers one's inhibitions and common sense. He has not found his common sense switch. He needs to turn it on. The switch may be buried under ten layers of juvenile delinquent tissue.

He is trying to be Mr. Studly in front of his friends. Very immature.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #19 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 04:31 PM
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Re: Need help asap

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It's just so hard to even contemplate that I could have messed up so badly by choosing the wrong man. I thought I broke the cycle of the women in our family marring a$$holes that we are suppose to turn a blind eye to whenever they cheat. So to really contemplate that I'm just repeating a cycle. That at 25 I could be divorced. To realized I messed up big time. It's overwhelming. Until we go to counceling do I go on acting normal? We've talked and he seems to get it, but he seemed to get it last time and then did it again.


Don't beat yourself up.
It's not productive. He had covered his true self and it's starting to come out now.
You want to try to save the marriage I get that. Counseling will help you answer many of your questions and help you sort out if you truly want to try to make this work. You are supposed to be in your honeymoon phase not worrying about divorce.
Good luck


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post #20 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 06:56 AM
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Re: Need help asap

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I have been married less than a year. We got married when I was 25 and he was 26. I know this man is my soul mate and I love him. However, lately I've seen some red flags. Just within the last two months he has very obviously checked my girl friends out when we were at a small house get together. The last time he did it it was so obvious everyone noticed. Then after eyeing them up and down he starts ignoring me and following the girl around like a puppy dog. Another time we were all goofing off telling random stories with the same group of friends and he starts going off bragging about all the prostitutes he has slept with. It was embarrassing, gross, and made me feel like ****. I know about it but it's not something I've really dealt with. It was in his past and we all do really dumb things in our past....but don't brag about it in front of me. I thought going into marriage you get the man you married, not the man you want him to become. I thought we were suppose to grow but grow together. Now it seems like he has changed so much and growing in an opposite direction than me. I don't know what to do. We have talked about it, but there is no conclusion. Do I hope it gets better? Do I wait to see if he is actually going to go from looking to touching? We haven't even celebrated our first anniversary. I'm lost and have no guidance. Please help!
Good grief, how long did you date this man before you married him? My guess is not very long. ..certainly not long enough, given your situation now. I agree with others who have said maintain your financial independence and don't have kids until and unless he does change through counseling. I was married to a man like that, who would get a little too "close" to my girl friends. I stayed and waited and begged and fought, and went to countless counseling sessions. After 13 years and 3 kids, he cheated with one of my good friends (or so I thought she was). I divorced him and he married her. It was horrible for my kids, as they had to accept that she was no longer Mommy's friend, but Daddy's wife instead. Talk about f-ing some kids minds up! They're grown now and they hate her. DON'T get pregnant, whatever you do! If I were you I'd go ahead and try counseling and give him a chance, BUT he needs to know that if counseling doesn't work, the end result will be you leaving. Otherwise he has no motivation for change. Geez, good luck sweetie. I can tell you, I sure am glad I'm not with my ex and having to put up with that crap anymore! I met a great guy after being divorced for 2 years. I didn't even have sex with him until I knew all his quirks and he was/is such a good guy that he was ok with that. We are going on a strong 11 years, and he only looks at ME that I can tell. Oh I'm sure he looks, as everyone does to an extent. But he has never and I don't think WOULD ever do the things my ex did. Just know that, after awhile of him doing this to you, YOU will have no self esteem left. Bless you sweetie, I feel for you.

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post #21 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 07:19 AM
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Re: Need help asap

He's not your soul mate.

You didn't break the cycle.

Drunken words/actions are sober thoughts.

Having sex with prostitutes say something about him, bragging about how many prostitutes he has had sex with says a whole lot more. And none of it is good.

The majority of STD's are asymptomatic. There is no HPV test for men, yet HPV can cause cancer in both men and women. Prostitutes and those who have sex with them are high risk. So, yeah, you need a through exam and STD testing.


Try counseling, if you must, but I have a feeling this isn't going to end well. Having been around a few blocks, I'd lay money on him cheating on you within 5 years, if he hasn't already. I'll echo DO NOT get pregnant by this man. And marriage counselors are just like the rest of us. Some are very good, some are very bad. Choose carefully.
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post #22 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 07:25 AM
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Re: Need help asap

The stupid Edit button disappeared again. *sigh*

ETA: Let's also not forget that he was bragging about how many prostitutes he has slept with IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE and MUTUAL FRIENDS. That says he doesn't have any respect for you, OP. He publicly humiliated you first by behaving so badly with female friends and then by telling all and sundry that he patronized multiple hookers.

God help my DH if he ever went to a party and started telling people how many hookers he screwed. I'd have to stand up, walk over to him, kiss him sweetly, and say "Honey, no one is impressed. Most people here can get laid without having to pay for it."
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post #23 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 09:22 AM Thread Starter
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We dated for over three years before we got married. We lived together for 1.5 of that too. I knew I wouldn't marry until I really knew the man and that he was a good man. That's why this is all so hard for me. If it doesn't work out I will feel so foolish, just another girl with daddy issues that picks the wrong guy. Plus it would be 4 years wasted.
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post #24 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 09:26 AM Thread Starter
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I know none of this is good. I'm hoping a lot of it is unnatural on his part. Trying to seem "cool". I am his first actual girlfriend.

Also I won't get pregnant, I have an IUD so no oops will happen.

Thanks for everyone's comments. Although, they don't necessarily make me feel better, it is putting things into better perspective. Still scary though....
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post #25 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 09:27 AM Thread Starter
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Should I show my husband this forum so he fully understands or just wait until we go to counceling?

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post #26 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 09:46 AM
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Re: Need help asap

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Last edited by notmyrealname4; 07-20-2016 at 02:35 PM.
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post #27 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 10:16 AM Thread Starter
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No I'm not religious. But getting a divorce would be absolutely devestating. Also I feel like a huge reason divorce rate is so high is because it's easier for people to run away and start over instead of stick to it, work as hard as you can, and hopefully come out better and stronger together. Every marriage I've seen was aweful. I thought I made all the right steps to find a good man for me. My father constantly cheated on my mom and eventually just left her and my sisters and I for a new family. He lived an hour away and never spoke to us. My mother continued the pattern and married a nicer version of my father, but still not good. My sisters, same thing. They settle because they don't want to be alone. I'm good on my own, have been since I was 17. I have always been aware that I would follow in their footsteps unless I made a concious effort not to fall for the wrong guy. That's why I feel like somewhere I failed. Even though our marriage wasn't rushed, we waited until we were ready. I have been in therapy since I was 17....I have a lot of family issues. I am incredibly self conscious and don't know how to set boundaries. These are all things I am still currently working on. My husband has always helped me though therapy and cheered me on though. A huge part of me really thinks he can change. I know he wants to because he doesn't want to lose me. I still think a lot of it has to do with his immaturity and self confidence. Until he accepts responsibility and starts to change, instead of just saying sorry and telling me things will get better, I'm on the fence. I need to know he can change for us to move forward.
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post #28 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 10:24 AM
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Re: Need help asap

I wouldn't show him this forum either. You sound like you will need the support offered by this group, and by showing him this forum you will lose your privacy here.

If he will go to counseling with you, you need to express how his actions make you feel. "Husband, when you do XYZ, it makes me feel ABC." If you just accuse him of doing XYZ, it will make him defensive and he won't be as receptive. There is no arguing when someone says "When you brag about sleeping with prostitutes in front of me and other people, I feel totally disrespected."

I'm sorry you are here...but glad you are getting advice from everyone. Good luck and glad to hear you don't have kids. This way if you decide to get out it's much easier.
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post #29 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 11:05 AM
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Re: Need help asap

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No I'm not religious. But getting a divorce would be absolutely devestating. Also I feel like a huge reason divorce rate is so high is because it's easier for people to run away and start over instead of stick to it, work as hard as you can, and hopefully come out better and stronger together. Every marriage I've seen was aweful. I thought I made all the right steps to find a good man for me. My father constantly cheated on my mom and eventually just left her and my sisters and I for a new family. He lived an hour away and never spoke to us. My mother continued the pattern and married a nicer version of my father, but still not good. My sisters, same thing. They settle because they don't want to be alone. I'm good on my own, have been since I was 17. I have always been aware that I would follow in their footsteps unless I made a concious effort not to fall for the wrong guy. That's why I feel like somewhere I failed. Even though our marriage wasn't rushed, we waited until we were ready. I have been in therapy since I was 17....I have a lot of family issues. I am incredibly self conscious and don't know how to set boundaries. These are all things I am still currently working on. My husband has always helped me though therapy and cheered me on though. A huge part of me really thinks he can change. I know he wants to because he doesn't want to lose me. I still think a lot of it has to do with his immaturity and self confidence. Until he accepts responsibility and starts to change, instead of just saying sorry and telling me things will get better, I'm on the fence. I need to know he can change for us to move forward.
You don't have to make the choice to divorce today. But you've discovered his dark side. We all have one, and the sooner we wrestle with it, understand it and incorporate it into who we are the better.

The question is, can you live with who he really is. And you can't answer that, because all you've seen is glimpses. Drinking isn't a get out of jail free card. Drinking lowers inhibitions, but the person you see is a reflection of the drunks real personality. They may not like that persona, but it's real.

You know he is an accomplished actor. He hid this side of himself for years (or you dismissed the signs). Either way, you can't trust what he says. Only judge him by his actions and what he does.

What you can do for now is make it clear what you will and won't tolerate. Separate your finances. Make a clear plan for how you will separate if he crosses your boundaries.

You can't be sure of what he will do. But you can be sure of what you will tolerate, what you won't and what you will do if he crosses those lines.

He may surprise you and actually take notice and work on himself. Or he may paint you as the villain. If he does this, do not have kids. Don't get yourself any more entangled with him. Only after a year or more of him actively working on himself, discovering who he is and making changes to better himself should you even consider that.
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post #30 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 11:20 AM
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Re: Need help asap

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The last thing I would want is a divorce. I feel like we can make it work. And he agreed to go to counseling. My biggest worry though, is he will agree and apologize and all that...then the next day he acts like everything's normal. How did I get him to realize it's not a game. He needs to change or else something drastic will have to happen?
PLEASE do not turn into me. You are young and you have no kids. He will not and cannot change. Get out while you can. OMG please....read my posts, read more posts, don't fall into this trap.
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