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post #31 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 11:47 AM
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Re: Need help asap

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I have been married less than a year. We got married when I was 25 and he was 26.
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We dated for over three years before we got married. We lived together for 1.5 of that too. I knew I wouldn't marry until I really knew the man and that he was a good man. That's why this is all so hard for me. If it doesn't work out I will feel so foolish, just another girl with daddy issues that picks the wrong guy. Plus it would be 4 years wasted.
So he had already seen lots of prostitutes by the time he was 23? Or did he also see prostitutes while he was dating you?

Either way, it is not "normal" for a young 23 year old to use prostitutes. He should have been seeing normal girls and just having fun with them! What is wrong with him that he had to pay to have sex?

Moosriel, I think that there is something wrong with your husband, that he didn't completely hide from you, but that you missed. His bragging to your friends about seeing lots of prostitutes is a huge red flag...there is something wrong with him.

If he does not see that there is something wrong with him, and if he refuses to get counseling for it, you will save yourself a lot of pain divorcing him now, rather than later, after you have children, and feel trapped or obligated to stay.

Also, insist he get a full STD panel taken, and you get one too. Even if he is not longer spending time with prostitutes, he may have an STD that neither of you know about.

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post #32 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 12:16 PM
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Re: Need help asap

Not only is he making himself look a complete bastard in front of your friends,you sitting there accepting it is making you seem to be condoning his behaviour.Get out of this poison relationship as quickly as you can.I am speaking from experience.
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post #33 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 01:12 PM
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Re: Need help asap

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We dated for over three years before we got married. We lived together for 1.5 of that too. I knew I wouldn't marry until I really knew the man and that he was a good man. That's why this is all so hard for me. If it doesn't work out I will feel so foolish, just another girl with daddy issues that picks the wrong guy. Plus it would be 4 years wasted.
I think you wanted him to be a good man for you and ignored some red flags in the process.

I'd rather be a girl with daddy issues who left at 4 years than a girl with daddy issues who left after 6 or 8 or 20 and a kid or two.

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I know none of this is good. I'm hoping a lot of it is unnatural on his part. Trying to seem "cool". I am his first actual girlfriend.

Also I won't get pregnant, I have an IUD so no oops will happen.

Thanks for everyone's comments. Although, they don't necessarily make me feel better, it is putting things into better perspective. Still scary though....
Frankly, the fact that he had sex with multiple prostitutes and zero actual relationships before you are red flags.

Being married and over 25, bragging about paying for sex to seem cool, and acting inappropriately with female friends are two more red flags.

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Should I show my husband this forum so he fully understands or just wait until we go to counceling?
No.

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No I'm not religious. But getting a divorce would be absolutely devestating. Also I feel like a huge reason divorce rate is so high is because it's easier for people to run away and start over instead of stick to it, work as hard as you can, and hopefully come out better and stronger together. Every marriage I've seen was aweful. I thought I made all the right steps to find a good man for me. My father constantly cheated on my mom and eventually just left her and my sisters and I for a new family. He lived an hour away and never spoke to us. My mother continued the pattern and married a nicer version of my father, but still not good. My sisters, same thing. They settle because they don't want to be alone. I'm good on my own, have been since I was 17. I have always been aware that I would follow in their footsteps unless I made a concious effort not to fall for the wrong guy. That's why I feel like somewhere I failed. Even though our marriage wasn't rushed, we waited until we were ready. I have been in therapy since I was 17....I have a lot of family issues. I am incredibly self conscious and don't know how to set boundaries. These are all things I am still currently working on. My husband has always helped me though therapy and cheered me on though. A huge part of me really thinks he can change. I know he wants to because he doesn't want to lose me. I still think a lot of it has to do with his immaturity and self confidence. Until he accepts responsibility and starts to change, instead of just saying sorry and telling me things will get better, I'm on the fence. I need to know he can change for us to move forward.
Part of the reason the divorce rate is so high is that people make mistakes when they marry and often choose a spouse they are not actually compatible with.

Your mom seems to have stayed in a bad marriage. The way you phrase it, he left her even though he was the one who was behaving badly. Wanna bet she was thinking along the same lines you are? Don't be your mom and stay in a bad marriage hoping it/he will change.

People who are immature and lack self confidence are a large portion of the cheater population. They way he's behaved with female friends and how he brags about having sex with hookers should tell you that he lacks boundaries, lacks respect, lacks empathy, and is the kind of guy you need to keep an eye on.

Some men and women who are immature and lack self confidence never grow up or become more confident. If you're hearing "I'm sorry. It'll get better." and it's not actually getting better, it's time to hop off the fence.
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post #34 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 03:37 AM Thread Starter
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post #35 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 03:46 AM
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Re: Need help asap

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post #36 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 03:48 AM Thread Starter
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F*ck none of this is helping. Why is it so negative. I'm not ready to end something I think has room to grow and in a posotive direction. I knew by asking for advice I would get different topi ions but why does it go to the negative so fast. No, I do not believe in soul mates either, but it's the easiest way to explain how comparable me and my husband are. Also, we are both in a place to work on making things better and growing towards a better future. Obviously I am worried, but I'd rather give it my all and see if it can work. Divorce shouldn't be people's first suggestion. If I can help him grow so he can reach his full potential while he helps me reach mine, than I'd rather deal with the immaturity now and grow.
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post #37 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 09:03 AM
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Re: Need help asap

@Moosriel--this may all sound very negative, but the people posting advice to you here have many, many years of life experience that you don't have. They don't want to see you make the same mistakes they did, when they were in the same or similar situation at an earlier point in their own lives. They want to help you.

Yes, it is negative. But much of it is good advice. Ultimately, you make your own decisions. You decide who to listen to, and who to ignore. But it seems to me, right now, that you are being quite naive about the realities of your marriage, and who your husband really is.

You can't control other people. You can't MAKE him change. (You should never marry a person hoping that they will change, either, but that's a different conversation.) Maybe he will change, but he'll only change if HE WANTS to. And any change you see may be temporary, just in an effort to placate you.

What if he DOESN'T change? What if MC doesn't work? You need to know what you will do if things don't go the way you're thinking they will. We're trying to prepare you for that. To try to get you to look at things a different way.

Sometimes, to save your marriage, you have to be prepared to walk away.

Sometimes, to save yourself, you actually have to walk away.

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post #38 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 09:18 AM
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Re: Need help asap

Hate to say it, but he sounds like a total loser. If I were to employ the service of a prostitute, I wouldn't brag about it. It's like the old joke " He is so ugly his parents had to tie a pork chop around his neck so that the dog would play with him" You are too young to be saddled with this creep. If you decide to stay with him just remember what we told you.
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post #39 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 09:26 AM
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Re: Need help asap

Why does the advice turn to divorce so fast? Because the people here have been burned. That's why they're on this board. I have no doubt that there are happy endings for people in your situation, but there are fewer of those people posting here.

All in all you DO need to have your eyes wide open so negative advice can be helpful in that regard. You also want some positive practical advice because you're not about to throw in the towel yet.

Maybe you should start a new thread titled something like, "Looking for couples who started out rocky and then figured things out" or something like that but shorter so it fits in the title. Then you'll get a different perspective.

You'll have to caution people up front that you aren't looking for "divorce advice" only success stories.

"How did you fix your shaky marriage" is a little shorter.
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post #40 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 09:27 AM
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Re: Need help asap

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We dated for over three years before we got married. We lived together for 1.5 of that too. I knew I wouldn't marry until I really knew the man and that he was a good man. That's why this is all so hard for me. If it doesn't work out I will feel so foolish, just another girl with daddy issues that picks the wrong guy. Plus it would be 4 years wasted.
PLEASE don't make a wasted 4 years and ypur embarrassment the reasons you stay! You'll be very sorry if those are your reasons for staying!

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post #41 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 09:29 AM
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Re: Need help asap

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No I'm not religious. But getting a divorce would be absolutely devestating. Also I feel like a huge reason divorce rate is so high is because it's easier for people to run away and start over instead of stick to it, work as hard as you can, and hopefully come out better and stronger together. Every marriage I've seen was aweful. I thought I made all the right steps to find a good man for me. My father constantly cheated on my mom and eventually just left her and my sisters and I for a new family. He lived an hour away and never spoke to us. My mother continued the pattern and married a nicer version of my father, but still not good. My sisters, same thing. They settle because they don't want to be alone. I'm good on my own, have been since I was 17. I have always been aware that I would follow in their footsteps unless I made a concious effort not to fall for the wrong guy. That's why I feel like somewhere I failed. Even though our marriage wasn't rushed, we waited until we were ready. I have been in therapy since I was 17....I have a lot of family issues. I am incredibly self conscious and don't know how to set boundaries. These are all things I am still currently working on. My husband has always helped me though therapy and cheered me on though. A huge part of me really thinks he can change. I know he wants to because he doesn't want to lose me. I still think a lot of it has to do with his immaturity and self confidence. Until he accepts responsibility and starts to change, instead of just saying sorry and telling me things will get better, I'm on the fence. I need to know he can change for us to move forward.
Why would a divorce be devastating? Because of embarrassment? Are you not MORE embarrassed by his antics?!?! What you put up with is what you'll have forever.

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post #42 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 09:35 AM
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Re: Need help asap

I know you said you're not religious...but I am. And I'm going to shoot it to you from that standpoint. In the Bible, Jesus says "if you even look upon a woman with lust, you have committed adultery", and also in the Bible, adultery is grounds for forgivable divorce. So from my Christian standpoint, you're justified in divorce. Just wanted to put that out there.

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post #43 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 09:42 AM
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Re: Need help asap

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F*ck none of this is helping. Why is it so negative. I'm not ready to end something I think has room to grow and in a posotive direction. I knew by asking for advice I would get different topi ions but why does it go to the negative so fast. No, I do not believe in soul mates either, but it's the easiest way to explain how comparable me and my husband are. Also, we are both in a place to work on making things better and growing towards a better future. Obviously I am worried, but I'd rather give it my all and see if it can work. Divorce shouldn't be people's first suggestion. If I can help him grow so he can reach his full potential while he helps me reach mine, than I'd rather deal with the immaturity now and grow.
Some issues are unfixable, such as sexual character flaws. Most of us have been sorta where you are, and likely wasted all the time we're advising you NOT to waste. This isn't something he'll "grow out of"...it's a basic character flaw...a psychosis actually.

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post #44 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 10:55 AM
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Re: Need help asap

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Originally Posted by Moosriel View Post
F*ck none of this is helping. Why is it so negative. I'm not ready to end something I think has room to grow and in a posotive direction. I knew by asking for advice I would get different topi ions but why does it go to the negative so fast. No, I do not believe in soul mates either, but it's the easiest way to explain how comparable me and my husband are. Also, we are both in a place to work on making things better and growing towards a better future. Obviously I am worried, but I'd rather give it my all and see if it can work. Divorce shouldn't be people's first suggestion. If I can help him grow so he can reach his full potential while he helps me reach mine, than I'd rather deal with the immaturity now and grow.
FIP gave a great response. Study it closely.

You may think that by being understanding and supportive you are encouraging him to seek help. No consequences, and if anything you draw closer and give him more attention? That is not helping, it is enabling.

You can be supportive and encouraging him to seek help. But at the same time declare your independence from him. If he truly wants help, this will scare him. But in the end, it's his choice to grow and reach his full potential. He may not be ready for this.

I'll share a good analogy I heard when I was wrestling with my own marriage. If you are going to help save a drowning person, you should be sure you are secured your self. Otherwise the drowning person is probably just going to pull you down with them.

This is true in a marriage as well. Do you want to help your H? Then you need to be secure yourself. Financially independent. Socially secure and secure in your sense of self. You need to know your boundaries and how to enforce them. If you don't, he may reach out to you, but in the end drag you under with him.

Once you are secure, toss him a life preserver. It's up to him to grab it.
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post #45 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 06:06 PM
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Re: Need help asap

You don't have to divorce. You can get an annulment before the 1 year mark. No stigma attached. It takes a special kind of male to use prostitutes. It takes a really, really special kind of male to then brag about it in front of their wife and friends. Welcome to the rest of your life.
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